Dead Set

- It's the Big Brother live feed. - Hurrah.

- My girlfriend works there. - On that?

Yes. And I'm worried about her.

You're that fella off Big Brother, in't ya?

You know, you're shorter in real life.

It's not...

Bollocks. I'm not taking the chance.

No, please.

Sorry.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Hurry!

- Are you gonna be sick? - No.

No! You're not doing that in here!

Gray!

They're gonna keep pouring in from outside

if we don't shut the gate.

As long as we're still breathing, we're smarter than them,

and that's why we're gonna beat 'em.

That's her! She's alive!

Good girl. Good girl.

We've caned these.

Don't give me no more.

No problem.

Why do they keep coming towards the house like that?

I'm glad they do. Easier to pick off.

Yeah, but why?

Some kind of primitive intuition, maybe.

They feel the need to be near us.

Don't forget, this place used to be like a church to them.

Maybe they can just smell bullshit.

Get him.

Right, that's the last of 'em.

Clear for now. Just the ones we can't see and those at the gates.

Fuck this. Fuck this.

Yes. Right.

Right. Right, right.

That's a light machine.

It's not a machine, it's a lamp.

Well, it lights up the room.

Well, it's dead now.

It's bad for the environment, wasting light.

I'm not wasting it.

I'm turning it into something else.

What, like recycling?

If you like.

Then that's OK.

It's only 36 miles.

That's a long way on foot with those things around.

I'm not just going to sit here, am I?

- You won't make it. - I can't not try.

I mean, I can see her, do you know what I mean?

Look, I can't just stay here and play farmhouse kitchen with you.

Look, we've got to think long-term.

No.

We're away from the cities.

There's a wall around these grounds.

We can eat veg from the garden and catch fish in the river.

What river?

Stand up. Fucking stand up. Stand up!

Go over to the door.

Move!

Listen to me.

Stand there. Put your hand on the door, on the fucking handle.

- I don't like it. - Shut up and listen.

You're gonna open that door and you are gonna slam it,

fucking slam it on her when she's halfway in.

Do you understand what "halfway" is?

Do you understand?

- Say, "Yes, I understand." - Yes.

Then are you ready?

I don't like it.

It is this,

or we take it in turns shitting in the bin

until we starve to death.

Does that appeal? No? Then are you ready?

Do not fuck this up. All right?

Get ready.

Now!

Oh, my God. You killed her.

You've killed her.

You've killed Davina.

I hired her. I can do what I like.

Oh, my God.

Result!

Why didn't you tell me this ran into the grounds?

You're the genius with the map.

This is the Blackwater.

Runs around the back of the studios.

- Yeah, so? - That's fate, that is.

We're safe here!

And I have got to go.

Well!

You can't just stay here on your own. Alex!

I packed your bag.

Thank you.

What's with the axe? Where's the gun?

No ammo.

There is. You said there's one bullet left.

I only said that to make you feel better.

What would you have done if one of those things was in there?

Outrun you.

Right.

Heat.

Pressure.

Nuts.

Zoo.

Nuts and Zoo man? Now that is the axis of wanking.

- Oh, Nando's. - McD's.

- Classy. - Let me tell you something, yeah?

When you wake up and you've got a massive hangover,

there is nothing better than a good Egg McMuffin.

Yeah, I'll give you that.

Kill or cure, innit?

Come on, we're off track here.

- East Enders. - Lost.

Doctor Who.

It's a kids' show.

- It's not a kids' show. - It is.

- The Sopranos. - No, already finished.

We're talking about things that have ended prematurely

because of this mess.

Come on, Jops. If you want to play, get it right.

YouTube.

Facebook.

Oh, shit. MySpace!

Amazon.

Now you're on it!

- Is this where you make Big Brother? - Yes.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God! - Shut up.

She's a new one.

Hello? Hello?

Hello. Is this even working? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

- It's a voice. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we're being rescued!

Hello? Ssh, ssh, ssh. Stop.

- Listen! - Is that one of the Big Brother voices?

Patrick, is that you?

Yeah, yeah, it's me, um...

- Kelly! - Kelly. That's it. Listen.

We are trapped in the gallery.

We? Who are you with? Are you OK?

- Hello, Space! - Pippa? No way!

I was stuck in the room, and he done a poo and it stank!

What the fuck... is wrong with you?

Listen, fuck the reunion. You've gotta get us out of here.

Can you make your way across the car park?

- Is it safe? - Ish.

- Ish? - We've closed the main gates,

and cleared most of those in the compound.

- What do you mean, "cleared"? - That'll be me.

- Where the fuck did that come from? - It's a long story.

Fine. Just come and get us out, then.

We can't.

We are trapped in here!

How many of those things are up there?

It's one thing shooting from here, another heading out there.

Says the man with the gun to me with the pointy stick!

I'm sorry, mate, it's not worth the risk!

Fuck you.

- What's he doing? - What are you doing?

- What are you playing at? - Put the shutters up!

- Is this guy for real? - Patrick.

Right. No dialogue, just instant abuse of human rights.

Oh, fuck off, Shami Chakrabati.