Brickleberry

- Woody, I have the results of your colonoscopy.

- Be honest, doc. Do I have the ass cancer?

- I'm not going to sugarcoat it, woody.

I found something alarming in there.

No!

Oh, yeah, I accidentally sat on that.

- Really? These too?

Looks like somebody fell ass-first into a yard sale.

- I just like to be organized. I call it bung-shui.

- Besides some mild tearing and what I swear was an oompa loompa

That I was never quite able to get a hold of, you're all clear.

- Great. Now, if you'll kindly

Return those things to my ass, I'll be on my way.

- Oh, woody, you're still under the influence

Of the anesthetic.

I can't let you drive yourself home.

- I gave you a bunch of emergency contacts.

Didn't you call 'em?

- Yes. I got four wrong numbers,

Three hang-ups, and a " my mother."

She's been dead for three years, so that would be difficult

But not impossible.

- Okay. So what does this mean?

- Medically speaking? Well, you have no friends.

And since there's no one here to pick you up,

I'm going to have to put you down.

- Wait, wait! Can't I just call a cab?

Hmm, I never thought of that.

Guess I didn't need to put all those people down

After all.

Boy, is my face red.

Kidding! I can't feel emotion.

Get me out of here!

- Tommy! Shut up and play your trombone!

Aah!

- Wow, your chest hair really does look like

Burnt taco meat.

I told you.

- My pubies looks like cheese curls.

Oh, wait, these are cheese curls!

Oh, wait. They're not.

- Ugh! You guys are making me hungry.

- Hi, I'm looking for the "hairy, horny, hung virgin."

- Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

- Shut up, connie. She's here for me.

You're a bear?

You never mentioned that you were a bear.

You lied to me. - Lied?

You answered an ad on craigslist.

You're lucky I'm not murdering you.

Well, we're not having sex.

Murder it is.

- Ha ha! Malloy can't get laid!

- Ha ha. Steve has rabies!

No, I--

Wait a second, that's weird.

Malloy, bite him again.

But harder this time. - What?

- Yay! Let's eat each other!

Dibs on ethel.

Hmm, fascinating.

- Malloy, you have four incisors.

- And you have dick on your breath.

Do you know what that means?

Your dad's in town?

- No, it means you're a rare breed of bear.

You may even be the last one alive.

Ursus loquacious.

- Ursus loquacious? He plays for the falcons.

Ah! Why the hell

Did you all give me fake contact numbers?

Some friends you are.

- Friends? We don't even like you.

Huh? Why?

- Simple. You're an asshole.

- That's not true, bitch. Ow!

- Woody, can I get a new uniform?

I outgrew another one. - you, lard ass.

I'm not buying you another uniform!

Lose some weight, or better yet, blow your brains out,

You fat tub of monkey shit!

Honestly now, you guys really think I'm an asshole?

Oh, I can't believe I don't have any friends.

Nobody gets me.

Both: One shot of goldschlager.

- I thought I was the only one who enjoyed goldschlager.

- You kidding? This is the finest gold-flecked schnapps

That money can buy for under $12 a bottle.

- One night, I drank so much of this stuff,

I panned my diarrhea, and I made $80.

- That might be the most awesome thing I've ever heard.

Mayor todd ford.

- The crackhead mayor of hazelhurst?

Ah, don't believe the media.

They just gave me that nickname

Because I smoke crack all the time.

Woody johnson.

- The whore-punching head ranger of brickleberry?

- And they say you can't give yourself a nickname.

Barkeep, another round!

- My friend said he wanted another drink!

- Oh, shit, you better chill out

Before he calls the cops!

- Ha ha ha! I'm mayor.

The cops work for me.

Drinks are on the house!

- To the start of a beautiful friendship!

Yeah!

- Help! Help!

Malloy, I have amazing news.

I did some research and found out--

- You're not actually the last of your species.

Turns out there's one more, and it's a female!

- Way to step on my dick, connie.

Sorry.

I'm having the bear

Flown into the brickleberry wildlife sanctuary,

So you can continue the species.

- Let me check to see if I give a shit.

I don't.

You know what this means?

It means-- - you get to have sex with her!

And not just once, as much as you possibly can.

God damn it, connie!

Sorry!

Interesting.

Tell me more about this

"having sex as much as I possibly can."

All right.

Oh, but first, there's a complex mating ritual

That you're gonna have to learn.

Okay, now, you circle around her seven times,

And her labia will become engorged.

Check.

- This is the worst furry party ever.

- And then you begin to growl and cup the buttocks

Of the female...

- Urgh! -

I think I just lost my deposit on this bear suit.

- I don't get it, denzel. How do you stay so thin?

- I burn a lot of calories having sex.

- Does it work if it's with yourself?

No.

- Ha ha! I don't have friends 'cause I'm an asshole, huh?

See what you know, I made a friend who's a bigger asshole

Than me!

Daniel tosh?

- Who? Never heard of him.

No, my b.F.F. Is the coolest guy on the planet:

Mayor todd ford.

- Really, woody? He's a corrupt drug addict.

He's not a drug addict.

I got the drugs!

- Whoo! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

- We've gotta keep this meth off the street.

I'm all right.

- He's fine, I had to do this three times last night.

Ahhh!

I feel awesome!

Did I die again?

- Ha ha! "did I die again?" I love this guy!

Makes me want to be mayor.

So, what are we doing tonight?

- Ooh, yeah, me and some high-powered friends

Are playing poker, but it might be

A little too high-stakes for you.

- You kidding? High-stakes is my middle name.

- All right, woody, if you insist!

We're going to party tonight!

Oh, yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

- Whoo! - Yeah--

- Now remember, the continuation of your entire species

Depends on this.

- Here we go. Let the banging begin.

hello.

- Nope. No way. I am not that.

You can't leave.

Your species depends on the two of you mating.

- Yeah, malloy, she's not that bad.

- Oh, yeah, she looks like a movie star.

Steve buscemi's eyes and the teeth of...Steve buscemi.

- God damn it! I fold.

Ha! Ha! Ooh, yeah!

I haven't seen this many unnecessary folds

Since I binge-watched season one of girls.

Ha ha!

So, you're a bit of a hunter, eh, ford?

I do love big game hunting.

It's too bad there's no good place to do it around here.

Yeah, obama,

Putting all the good animals in africa.

Anyway, thanks for inviting me and letting me

Take all your money, fellas.

And you, bruce jenner,

You are either a very ugly man

Or a very attractive woman. - Thank you.

- Actually, bruce lost a lot of poker games.

The first bet was "wear this dress," and then it was

"take these estrogen pills," and so on and so on.

Would you care to make this hand