Orange Is the New Black

Don't say a word!

If you tell them, they'll hurt you or something like that.

And then, we will be in big trouble.

I saw nothing.

I made my bed.

Did you see that? I made my bed.

Can I watch TV now? Nope.

May I watch TV now?

Yes! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

- -

Wow!

I bet you're wondering

how a nice pooch like me ended up in a joint like this. Huh?

Well, when I was but a pup, I was, as they say, interfered with by my uncle.

Uncle Peter. Pete. Hey, knock-knock.

I said, knock-knock!

Oh! Who's there?

- Pizza. - Pizza who?

- Pete's a really sick guy! -

Maybe it was my mother's fault, you know. A classic narcissist.

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one! Well, you see, she holds the light bulb

and the whole world revolves around her!

Is this thing on?

I'm not really a fan of modern dance.

Somebody gonna tell me when to stop?

Stop!

And there they are.

One-eyed Julius, King of Diamonds.

Alexander, our great King of Clubs.

How did you do that?

Kind King David wears his Spade suit.

And finally, Charlie. He's all heart, right?

But Charlie's also got another nickname. You ever hear of the Suicide King?

That's our pal Charlie over here.

See, if you look closely... Can someone zoom in over here?

Looks like he's stabbing himself in the head, don't it?

Poor Charlie.

Not so sharp.

Or is he?

And pairs is better than high cards, right?

- Okay, boys and girls. -

It's your favorite Soviet clown, Ryzhevolosyy!

And everything is just fine!

Yay!

What could be bad?

We have all of our friends with us here.

We defeated a monster,

and he's gonna be in big trouble for all his monster meaniness, isn't he?

- Yeah! - Mmm-hmm.

Don't be like the mean monster, boys and girls.

Be a good friend and a good son or daughter.

And remember,

it doesn't matter how we got here, as long as we're together.

Did you hear that?

Who could it be?

Why, it's Denial, the crocodile.

Hello, Denial.

I don't like crocodiles. They have 24 sharp teeth

and they don't even chew their food.

They tear it apart and swallow big hunka chunks.

Bacon comes from this part of the pig.

- Where is Alex? - No!

It's pork belly! Gosh!

This religion boasts the greatest number of adherents

in the Northern part of Africa.

Where is Alex?

What is Zulu?

Sorry. The correct response is, "What is Islam?"

Oh! Right!

Let's go again.

The Fonz may have been the coolest guy around,

but a lot of sand has fallen through the hourglass

- since he last appeared on television. - Where is Alex?

I'm here, bitch!

Well, this is certainly the fight we've all been waiting for.

These two have been training since...

- How long would you say, Bob? - Their whole lives, Drew.

They are ready to settle some scores in the ring here tonight, let me tell ya.

- - There's the bell. Here we go.

- -

Secret...

Secret agent.

Come on. Time to take a walk.

Excuse me, can you tell me how we got here?

'Cause if I can figure that out, then we can all go home.

In one ear, out the other. Door closes. Window opens.

Knock three times on the window if you want me.

Twice on the pipe and...

Move, or we'll help you move.

Now, inmate.

Oh, poop. We got a Dutch act in 101.

I'll get it.

Young, we got an inmate down in 101.

Where are we going?

We're going where we're going.

So I followed the Martian. I followed the Martian.

Try to find us. Maybe we're hiding behind an asteroid cluster.

Ollie, Ollie, oxygen free!

This was a prison riot, not a fucking preschool play.

A man is dead.

- Hey! Language! - Are you fucking kidding me?

Excuse me.

I have to ask that you please address my client in a non-combative fashion.

Your client is malingering.

Over here! No! No, no! Over here! Over here!

He said "fucking." People in suits shouldn't say that.

- Right, Mommy? - Right.

This is bullshit.

I have a statement right here from a licensed mental health professional

that stresses the importance of Ms. Warren's matriculating into Gen Pop.

She does not fare well in isolation.

Thank you, Mommy, for getting that statement.

This past week in Administrative Segregation

has clearly contributed to her current condition.

Gurin, no one fares well in isolation.

But that is where she's gonna fucking stay if she doesn't cooperate.

I agreed to see her first as a favor,

but I am not buying this act.

My client is being as cooperative as she's currently capable of being.

Let me tell you what cooperation looks like.

It looks like clear information.

It looks like she better cut the fucking act

and tell me what went on

if she doesn't want to face life in prison.

No, I don't... I don't want to face that.

I don't want to face that, elbow that! I don't want to collarbone that!

I don't want to shoulder, earlobe, belly button, handicap...

Suzanne, please. Try to concentrate.

It's really important. Can you do that?

- I... - You can do this, Suzanne.

Come on. Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Okay.

Try to remember.

Try to remember.

Try to remember.

Try to remember. Try to remember.

- On the ground now! -

Everybody, on the ground with your hands behind your head!

Shut the fuck up!

Okay, okay. Wait. Wait.

- - Wait! Wait! Ow!

Quick. Come here. We're playing hide and seek.

You don't want to give away our hiding space, right?

- Right here. Light. Get up. - Come on. Go.

Alex?

Alex!

Let's go. Let's move.

I forgot my pencil.

A Palomino Blackwing Pearl.

The graphite core of the Pearl is softer than the graphite in the Palomino 602,

but firmer than the graphite in the Palomino Blackwing.

I'm enjoying this pencil,

but I didn't bring it today, or it fell out of my pocket.

Why are you standing on one foot?

It's important to work on your balance as you age.

Why?

I'm not sure. But it's really important. I read it.

Oh, hey, you missed some excitement here this morning.

Inmate in 101 tried to go home in a box.

- Did she live? - Yeah, I spotted her in time.

- I'm kind of a hero on this one. - Probably not to her.

What was her name?

I should get her in case she learns from her mistakes.

I'm not helping you. Suicide's worth 14 points!

I'm keeping her for myself.

I wish we were playing already.

All this stuff's going on, we haven't even done the draft yet.

Attempted suicide is worth seven.

Stuff will still be going on after the draft.

And this gives us time to suss out intel on all the newbies.

Some of them are getting phone time today. We can listen in.

Only one of us can take them. It should be me.

Why?

'Cause if it's me, I'll share intel. I'm not so sure about you.

Fantasy Inmate brings out the worst in you.