Sebastian Maniscalco: Why Would You Do That?

Cefalù, Sicily, 1959.

What a simpler time.

Families, rolling hills,

farms.

Look at my grandfather.

Do you know how confident

you have to be

to wear a short sleeve

dress shirt

with a tie

to go pick tomatoes?

My father would go on

to be a hair stylist,

and my uncle Luigi

could get a deal

on anything.

My family

didn't agree on much,

but the one thing

they would agree on,

no one,

and I mean no one

would ever thought

I would end up here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sebastian Maniscalco.

Wow. Nice.

Well...

Feels good.

Saturday night, right?

It's exciting.

It's a big night.

It's a big night.

Now, before you came here,

you had to decide

how you're

gonna get here.

And you might be getting ready

and ask your wife,

"Babe, you want me to drive?"

If you're Italian,

you probably try and get like,

"Well, do you think we're

gonna get, like, a stretch

or something like that?

Do we get a cab?

What do we do?

Maybe Uber?

A lot of people like Uber."

UberX, what is that?

What is it?

It's like hitchhiking

with your phone.

God knows what's gonna

pull up tonight

to pick you up.

Some guy

in a Ford Festiva?

Groceries in the back?

Baby seat next to you?

With a baby?

Loose popcorn

on the floor?

"What's going on

back here, guy?

Are you on an errand?

What is this?"

Uber Black.

That's another one, people.

That's a better...

You might get a sedan,

an SUV.

Do you ever get

into that guy's car?

He's so proud

of his candy.

As soon as you get in,

"I've got candy if you want.

I got it in the seat.

I got gum,

Jolly Rancher,

I got iPhone 3, 4, 5, 6 charge.

I got iPhone 9.

It's not out,

but I have

if you need it."

What?

These are weird experiences.

You get in an Uber,

they're rating you.

You're rating them.

Everybody's on some weird,

fake behavior.

As soon as you get in,

you have to ask,

you feel like, okay, I gotta...

"How long have you

been doing Uber?"

And they never just do Uber.

They always got

some side business.

You ask them how long.

"I know, come on, hee hee.

I do this 12 hours a week,

but my real business,

I got a discotheque

in Istanbul."

What...

the hell are you

talking about?

And Uber is expanding into

a lot of different areas.

You don't have this yet

here in New York City,

but in Los Angeles,

they have a thing called

Uber Kitten.

Where they'll bring

a cat to your house

for one hour.

Why would you do that?

I've never been sitting around

my home and asked my wife,

"Babe, call Uber.

Let's get a cat over here

for one hour.

I need to pet something."

It's weird.

We trust our phones too much.

Could you imagine

20 years ago,

a foreign guy pulling up

in a sedan telling you,

"Get in." You'd be like,

"Get the fuck out of here."

Not today. You're like,

"Are you Gegak?

The photo doesn't really

look like you,

but I think

this is the vehicle."

Strange.

There's a lot of interesting

websites out there.

Airbnb. Here's another one.

You can rent out a room

in your house.

Is it worth the extra $100

to have some psychotic family

show up with their luggage?

"Hello."

I couldn't do this.

I couldn't rent out

a room in my home.

If I did, after they left,

I'd have to burn the room

that they were in.

I'd torch the mattress.

I don't know

what's falling out

of peoples ears

into the Tempur-Pedic.

Torch the...

Torch the bed.

I don't even stay

with my family

let alone strangers.

I get it all the time.

Every time I go to a city,

I know people there.

And they're like,

"Just stay with us.

We have plenty of room."

I ain't staying with you.

You ever stay with people?

It's weird.

They put you

in some weird room

nobody uses.

Single bed,

Star Wars sheets,

Darth Vader, C-3PO.

Can't even get comfortable.

You ever get into

somebody's bed?

It's weird. You get in.

You can't...

Look to the left,

there's a booger wall.

Somebody started

a booger wall?

Try and get comfortable.

You can't.

The owners always come in

and knock on the door,

and they're gonna tell you

what's wrong with the house.

You always get

that little knock.

"Are you sleeping yet?"