Curb Your Enthusiasm

Now, I know that I am no better

than any of my fellow nominees

or any other human in this room or on this planet.

I also believe that interspecies equality is paramount.

And yet we go into nature and we pillage and we ransack.

We use machines to impregnate the innocent dairy cow.

Then callously snatch away her baby

as she cries out...

-Why do they do this? -...in despair.

Even Woody Harrelson makes speeches like this.

-It's just an Oscar. It's not the Nobel Peace Prize, right? -Yeah.

You know what my speech would be if I win an Oscar?

-What? What? -"I wanna thank the Academy

and don't allow babies on planes, goodnight."

-They'd love that speech. -I know.

-You'd be a hero. -Then we take

the life milk meant for her calf,

and we use it for cream in our lattes.

Okay. All this stuff aside, he'd be so great for Uncle Mo

for the show, don't you think?

-Oh, my God, yes. -Tough to get.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

I guess it couldn't hurt to get him a script, right?

Could not hurt at all.

-Oh, hi, Lar. Oh, hey.

Got some more fabric.

Look at this tapestry I'm making for the temple.

Is that something?

I've never been more proud of her.

-It's the tree of life. -Did you sew that?

Yeah! -Yeah. It's a banner

for our temple football team.

-We're playing Beth Hillel. -(CHUCKLES)

And their defense is ridiculous.

They sacked our rabbi six times last season.

Speaking of the temple, you know, our rabbi

is an amazing guy.

Lar, you, of all people would love this guy.

-Oh, would I? -He's cool, he's hip,

-he's spiritual. He's just fantastic. -Oh, yeah. The hip rabbi. Yeah.

-Yeah, sure. -He's a big golfer.

Can't afford a fancy-schmancy club like we belong to.

-Uh-huh. So I think it would be

a nice gesture for you to take him as a guest.

-Take him to the club with me? Yeah. Come on.

-Oh, geez. -One round.

-This is gonna make you happy? -Very happy.

-All right, fine. -Aw. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, come on, man! No.

-Come on. Come on. -Oh, come on.

You think I wouldn't do it for you?

-Oh, geez. -I'mma leave you hangin'?

I'm old. Come on.

I can't waste a day playing golf with a rabbi.

Every minute is precious to me now.

Oh, let me-- -At this time of my life, I--

-He's a great guy, Larry. -That's a four-hour favor.

And five, if you include lunch.

Come on, play golf with the cool rabbi and me.

You'd be doing me a big favor, come on.

-Oh, it's a favor. -I appreciate it so much.

I am doing you a favor.

How many times are you gonna remind me of this now?

-As often as I can. -Thank you, anyway. Both of you.

Oh, that, yeah. That really does a lot.

Will you please?

Hey, I got a, uh, text from Woody Harrelson's people.

He's interested. They're gonna set up a meeting.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Wow, that's great. -Yeah. It's very exciting.

-I love Woody. -I love Woody, too.

Okay. You know what? I'm gonna give you that.

Ah. Very generous of you.

Hey, by the way, I'm seeing your girlfriend this week.

-Heidi? Yeah.

Oh, I'm so glad. You're gonna love her, she's terrific.

-Wait, the eye doctor? -Yeah.

Gentlemen, I'm gonna show you how this is done.

-Never again. -I know, I know.

Uh-- I appreciate it.

You know, the High Holy Days are coming up pretty soon.

That is just so exciting, is it not?

It sure would be nice to see you in temple.

Yeah. Okay. Don't hold your breath.

It's been a while since you've been to this temple.

I think never is the more appropriate word.

Well, maybe we can remedy that.

-How about a little wager? -Sure, fine.

I sink this putt, you come to my temple for services.

-Oh, yeah. Okay. You got it. -Now you guys heard it, he bet.

Sure, yeah. I'll come to your temple.

I'll get breast implants, too.

(LAUGHS) That's up to you.

Oh, my God.

-No, no! -Yes!

Are you serious?

-No, that-- I wasn't-- -You're going to temple.

-No, I can't. -(LAUGHS)

You said it. I heard it. -What? No.

Yes. -Come on.

-I'll see you in temple. What, are you kidding?

You don't expect me to go there.

-(LAUGHS) We were joking.

-Come on. We made a fair bet. -You didn't put up anything.

I just-- What did you bet? Nothing.

You're gonna look beautiful with breasts.

-You're gonna look beautiful. -Yeah.

You got a face for it. You're gonna look great.

I can't go there, I'll suffocate.

Nice shot, rabbi.

How the fuck did he make that putt?

-What was all that? -What's all what?

You're like a mouse, scurrying back to your seat.

-I was scurrying? -Yeah. What are you up to?

-What you up to? -I saw it.

You didn't see shit.

What's that smell?

Kitchen.

It's not kitchen. (SNIFFS) It's more floral.

Maybe even... fruity?

It's nothing-- Hey, look, Larry.

Larry, calm down. Just relax. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Larry, Larry, get the fuck out of there, man!

What is this?

-Watermelon? -What?

I thought you hated watermelon. What's going on?

Okay. I fucking lied, okay?

I fucking love watermelon, I love it.

But I can't eat this shit in front of white people.

-What? That's just ridiculous. -I just can't fucking do it.

You can't eat watermelon in front of me? That's so crazy.

In front of white people, why? Who gives a shit?

Even Black people don't like to see Black people

eat fucking watermelon. I feel bad for the fucking watermelon.

You probably love it too, don't you?

My favorite fucking fruit in the world.

-Mine too. -Plenty of times I've been to cocktail parties.

I gotta put the frickin' watermelon in a little napkin

and go in the bathroom and eat that shit.

Or go into the fucking forest and eat that shit.

-Go into the woods? -Yeah. Opening the napkin

and eat the fucking watermelon by myself.

Okay. Well, you know what?

Black people, white people, I don't care.

Next time I go to the market, I'm gonna get some watermelon,

I'm gonna bring it back, and you're gonna eat it

in front of me.

I'll work towards it. You know, I--

We're gonna do this together. We're gonna do it together.

-My man. -Okay.

All right. Here we go,

little cup of joe for the Woodman.

-Ah, thank you very much. -Huh?

You know, I don't drink it much.

If I have coffee, which is rare, I usually drink biodynamic

but I'll, uh, is this-- This isn't biodynamic product?

-It's dynamic. -(BOTH LAUGH)

I don't know if it's biodynamic, but it's definitely dynamic.

Do you know what? This is like the sweetest digs, Larry.

Hey, you want some of this cream in your coffee?

-I got it fresh from-- Cream?

Is that cream, like cow cream?

You know what that does, Larry?

The cycle of violence that creates that cream?

I mean, do you realize the inherent cruelty in that?

What happens to the cow, to the calf?

Wait a second.

I didn't-- I didn't get that cream from a market.

Is that what you think? Oh, no!

I have a-- I have a farm. And a cow.

I-- And the cow has a calf.

And after the calf is finished, that's when I take it.

-That's extraordinary. -You think I'd go into a market?

I'm not a monster.

And when I do go, I'm cream-shaming.

-I cream-shamed too! -You're a cream-shamer?

-Yeah! -Oh, my God!

I'm cream-shaming all the time!

-Unbelievable! -I thought I was gonna

cream-shame you now, but I underestimated you.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Come on.

I apologize, and where's the, uh... Where's your farm?

It's outside the city, you know.

What's your cow's name?

-Jessie. -Jessie?

Yeah. Jessie, oh, my God.

Woody, I got to tell you, I just love that cow.

I just-- I just love it. Sometimes,

I'll just lie in the sun and watch her chew that cud.

I don't know, just-- You know, I had pets growing up.

I had dogs, cats, whatever.

But I have never loved an animal the way I love this cow.

-I just adore her. -Could I meet Jessie?

Could I go to your farm and meet Jessie?

I mean, this is right up my alley.

You wanna meet Jessie?

I would love to. What do you say?

Well, yeah, yeah. Sure. Yeah.

-Yeah? -Yeah.