I'm Dying Up Here

Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...

The hell are we doing here?

Said you wanted an audience.

But I'm not an alcoholic.

Yeah, don't open with that.

Bill, it's over. Go home.

Well, I did the one thing that no comic's ever done.

I got my shit together.

I could put together a group of women,

make them pee their pants faster than bad Nielsen ratings.

You could call your special Girls Are Funny Too.

Edgar, Melvin and I served together.

Oh, really? What restaurant?

- I'm not a fucking junkie. - No, not you.

Who's the cute blonde you got going up here?

Does the Texas Jew thing?

Cassie's not ready yet.

I got a laugh track says she is.

We agree to this, the project moves forward?

Green-lit.

You're in.

You told me that my act wasn't ready.

Who said anything about doing your act?

They want the girl from Wink.

Are you having a good time, ma'am?

Really? All right.

Tell your face.

Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

I used to do a lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad was in the business...

of breaking shit.

Well, what are you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.

All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

Right this way.

Okay, you guys know what you'd like?

You have a nice day.

My uncle was the town drunk,

which in Wink, Texas is an elected position.

- - I like it.

Uh, it's one of those rare positions

where falling down on the job is actually a requirement.

- - Eh, I don't know about that.

I moved to Wink when I was ten

after my parents died.

They went to Heaven, and we went to Wink.

Stop. No dead parents, I told you.

I know, but some of this new stuff

is really starting to play out there.

This is prime time.

Your parents are out at a hootenanny,

making music blowing through a jug.

All right.

Well, what if I just maim 'em?

Building a relationship with a network audience

is it's--it's like building any relationship.

You lead with your best behavior

before you shit on their heads.

You stick with the Texas twang, the wide-eyed innocence

and... dating relatives with funny names.

Well, I haven't used Lum yet.

You are a comedy gold mine, Daisy Mae.

Thank you kindly, ma'am.

- There you go! -

Got my 30-day chip today.

Thirty days without alcohol.

Uh, I also got my "130 days without sex" chip.

- - Yeah.

That was more of a scar than a chip.

I mean, if it hadn't been for a hand job

I got just for shutting up,

we could be talking about well over a year here.

But, I mean, if you think I got a drinking problem,

you should see the women that agree to have sex with me.

They are basically just vaginas floating in vodka.

- -

Ahh, okay. That's my time.

Uh, this next guy...

Ooh hoo hoo hoo! Not for the faint of heart.

He's done some pretty unforgivable shit.

Let's give a big Try God welcome to Terry.

Terry, everybody.

Keep coming back.

Are you kidding? I love this room.

Hi, Terry.

Jesus Christ!

- Hey, Nick. - Hey, Lovis.

There's a lot of chatter about you in here, huh?

The booths are full of suits.

All right. Thanks.

Your next comedian coming to the stage is a very funny guy.

Formerly a very funny doorman here at Goldie's.

Big round of applause for Joey Spencer!

- Are you fucking kidding me? -

All right, thanks.

Manny Martinez, everybody, keep it going for him.

It's okay, he's the one Mexican here

who's not trying to steal your job--

Joey Spencer, ladies and gentlemen, huh?

- - Let's keep it going.

I'm Mike Lovis, and I've been working the door here

at Goldie's a lot longer than him.

- Ain't that right, shit-stain? -

Sounds like a yes to me.

So I'm in the grocery store the other day and I see a

- woman start to have a seizure. - Just get off the--

God damn it! In the "12 items or less" line.

So I do what any person would do in that kind of situation.

I start counting how many items she has

in...her...fucking cart.

- No, no, no. -

So I'm all like, "Twelve, 13..."

She had 17 fucking items in her cart!

Three years! Three years I worked

- that fucking door! - Go over here!

And I've been up in The Cellar one time!

And Joey gets the fucking Main Stage!

- Fucking bullshit! -

- All right, Joey Spencer. - ...fucker!

Keep it going for Joey Spencer.

Sorry, everybody.

- Um... -

So I was out with this girl the other night.

Ah!

What the hell's going on in here?

Lovis flipped out.

Must be some kind of doorman syndrome.

How 'bout those gas prices, huh?

What's the deal with that, huh?

No--no, no!

Ron. Take the door.

Nixon was--

- Me? - That's your name, right?

Yeah, yeah, no, I-I just didn't know that you knew it.

It was great catching up with you.

Now grab the fucking door.

Three years, three years I worked that fucking door!

Yes, ma'am.

Goldie told me... Did you--

- Lovis, it's cool! - You did good.

Fucking bullshit! Fuck you!

Now get your fucking ass out!

Arnie.

Goldie told me to watch the door.

She knows my name.

Ooh, stirring.

You watching the door, you need a T-shirt.

What size are you?

Medium.

Oh, we only have smalls.

Why the fuck did you ask?

It's called common courtesy, douchebag.

All right.

Give Ron a large shirt.

That is the weirdest sex ever, the weirdest sex, okay?

Now, ladies, I don't want y'all to take this the wrong way,

but y'all are fucking crazy.

Always trying to figure us men out.

You think I'm playing?

When JFK got shot, his wife jumped on the trunk of the car

- and grabbed his brains. -

Even when we dead, y'all wanna know what we thinking.

Bay of Pigs? No.

Cuban missile crisis?

Not interested.

Marilyn.

That bitch.

I knew you was in here somewhere.

You're in some shit when we get to the house.