Time of Death

Hey, I got A non-emergency.

My terminally sick mom-- I just found her dead.

48.

- tell me why You think she's dead.

what?

- tell me why You think she's dead.

Is she cold to the touch?

- yeah, and she's, Like, not breathing,

And she's blue, and, like... - okay.

- stiff, and, like, Fucking dead.

ooh.

All right.

Progress, not perfection.

That's what I've kind of decided On this year's garden.

I have Stage 4 breast cancer.

We will never eradicate The cancer,

So we're trying to slow it down

In efforts to extend my life.

Of course, in my will, I left it up to the kids

Where to spread my ashes.

She goes, "Where do you Want to spread 'em?"

Like, I don't know. Let them decide.

They'll figure out Someplace.

When you get on The american cancer society page

From when I got diagnosed, The stage I was at,

Life expectancy Is 18.1 months.

Well, I'm at 4 1/2 plus years,

So don't believe everything You hear.

Would you like to go get The horses with me?

- sure. - thank you.

If I didn't have children,

I would have cashed in my chips A while back.

I would have called a hospice, Said, "Get me fucking loaded.

I'm out of here."

Done. But, uh...

When you have children,

Even if they're grown children Like nicole, who's 25,

You still want To be there for them.

hello?

- hi, honey. It's mom.

hey, mom.

- I'm at home. I'm not going anywhere.

Let me know when you're coming, And I love you.

- all right. I love you too, mom.

- see you In a little bit. Bye.

bye.

Okay.

Really? Come on, baby.

It's normal.

[engine revving Tentatively]

Okay. My name's little.

I moved back to santa cruz Four years ago

When my mom Got diagnosed with cancer.

She's on borrowed time, But I think she's a warrior.

She doesn't want to give up.

I see it as, like, A testimony to her,

Like, unwillingness to die And that she wants to--

Like, she'll go Through four years of pain

And suffering and torture To spend time with her family

And to stay around.

I think That's the bigger thing.

- hmm. Ooh, you got shoes on.

What's this? When did your mama do that, huh?

- do you tell your mom When you're scared

Or how you're feeling About all this stuff?

- no, because I don't want Her to know

That I'm worried About her passing away, or--

And I don't want her To think that, like,

I can't live on my own Once she's gone.

Don't you dare fight me On this.

Come here.

- andrew-- He's the one

Who worries me Because he is the youngest.

He's a very sensitive, To heart person.

You know, he... And he's a mama's boy.

- I discovered that she loves To be scratched behind the ears.

oh.

- I do worry About what will happen

After my mom passes on.

Like, I'm not sure

If my half-sister will end up Taking guardianship

Or if someone else Will take guardianship.

I'm definitely in fear of my dad Going into a custody battle

And trying to get us, 'cause I absolutely

Don't want to live Back there at all.

So that's definitely A concern of mine.

- how you doing, baby? - fine. How are you, mom?

- I still have a lot of things On my business bucket list:

First and foremost, The children's custody.

Those kinds of things.

So I do need To work on that.

Maybe this coming week.

I'm really good At putting things off.

- what are you Scared about the most?

And...

Why does that scare you?

- julia put eye shadow On me this morning.

you made me beautiful.

- I don't think, As a mother with cancer,

I would want my children to Constantly be in fear, you know?

I wouldn't want to have To put them through that,

And I think She does her best to, like,

Not put us through that.

- hand me that While I'm here, please.

- and she tries to make Everything seem like it's normal

And okay...

But it's not normal and okay.

- over here. Go get it.

Oh! No, no, no. Over here.

- I do worry About her not knowing,

Like, what a great mom She's been.

She definitely doesn't feel like

She's done everything she can, And she blames herself

For, like, What we're going through.

- um...Well, I think it's, like,

The big elephant In the room

That nobody ever Wants to talk about.

We're all gonna die someday,

But what's it gonna look like At the end?

What's going on?

What am I gonna do With the kids?

What do their lives Look like without me?

I hope in some way That it might help somebody else

Facing the same horrific, Horrible,

Life-altering dilemma.

Life-ending dilemma?

I have to say, like,

This is not a bad town To be stuck in.

- I'm glad that that's shifting A little bit, because,

I don't know, I just felt like You were so upset about it.

- I was really upset. - this is a great place.

- just not where I thought I would be.

- right. - when I moved back from l.A.,

I didn't officially, Like, move to santa cruz.

Like, I came up here To, like, assess,

And I told My bartending job, like,

I'm just gonna, like, Take some time off...

- uh-huh. - for a little bit,

And came up here and never-- Never looked back.

A lot of people, When they meet my mom now,

Don't, uh, Don't really get it.

But she was A really gnarly mom.

Like, she had me When she was 22.

I can remember, like, Sleeping in the car

When she was in the bar, And I remember, like,

Passing out in someone's Random room at a house party

And that she kind of just Fucked up everything with me.

And I always thought that--

That that was okay,

Because she did a better job With julia and andrew.

I've found a lot Of forgiveness for her

Through the way That she's raised them.

I'm coming to terms that, like, This is my fate.

Like, okay, I'm gonna be In santa cruz with two...

babies.

- two babies, and-- But, like--

you're gonna be great.

I could not imagine Taking on

A 14- and a 15-year-old Right now.

There is no way.

- all I hope: Julia doesn't have a baby...

perfect.

- andrew doesn't Kill himself,

And they do their homework.

That's it.

I've wanted custody of them Since my mom got sick,

And that's why I moved From los angeles to santa cruz

So that I could be available

And get my shit together And go to school,

Um, and get them.

And I want them To have family

And be safe and secure And feel loved.

- I'm going downhill At constant speed.

I'm losing gravitational Potential energy. Right?

My height is getting smaller And smaller and smaller.

Where's that energy going?

As a single mom, no health Insurance, no child support,

You always made sure That your kids

Have everything they need And never take care of yourself.

Oof, ooh, ooh...

My side ached For a long, long time.

Like, two years.

And here I am, Working on a farm,

And I just always thought I was Using my right arm too much,

And I'm laying in bed One night, and I was like,

"God, it's killing me Tonight,"

And I reach up on my boob Right here

And feel A tumor about yea big.

- okay, why don't you Give me the tour of, like,

The physical tolls And--and--

ay-yi-yi.

I am willing to show you, But I will ask that you--

- make you look skinny? - be kind and, you know?

oh, of course, mama.

- okay. So here we go.

- my mom's Cancer treatment course

Has been Partial mastectomy,

Radiation, Chemotherapy,

Chemo, chemo, chemo, chemo, Chemo, chemo, chemo, chemo,

Chemo, chemo, chemo, Chemo, chemo, chemo,