The Sopranos

How'd it go?

They've got a 48 to 52 male/female ratio, which is great.

A strong liberal arts program and the Olin arts center for music.

The usual programs abroad are China, India...

You're just applying. Already you're leaving?

It's an option, dad. Junior year.

What'll you study in India? How not to get diarrhea?

They don't require sat scores, but mine are high.

Socially, I don't know.

I heard there's a saying:

"Bates is the world's most expensive form of contraception."

What kind of talk is that?

The girls at the other colleges put out?

Oh, my God.

It's pretty, huh?

Two to go. Colby up.

Dad, how come you didn't finish college?

I had a semester and a half at Seton Hall.

Yeah, and...?

My parents didn't stress college.

They were working-class people.

How come they were anti-education?

They weren't "anti."

You can't lay it all off on them.

I got into trouble when I was a kid.

- I heard. - You did?

In Waterville, dine at the stone house.

Serving the freshest Maine lobsters.

Come see our new salad bar, featuring a wonderful...

Are you in the mafia?

- Am I in the what? - Whatever, organized crime?

That's crap. Who told you that?

I've lived in the house all my life.

I've seen police come, I've seen you go out at 3 am.

You never seen Doc Cusamano go out at 3 am on a call?

The Cusamano kids ever find $50,000...

And a .45 while hunting for Easter eggs?

In the waste management business, everybody assumes you're mobbed up.

It's a stereotype, and it's offensive.

You're the last person I want to perpetuate it.

Fine.

There is no mafia.

All right, look...

Med, you're a grown woman.

Almost.

Some of my money...

Comes from illegal gambling and whatnot.

How does that make you feel?

At least you don't keep denying it like mom.

Kids in school think it's neat.

Seen the Godfather, right?

Casino we like. Sharon stone, '70s clothes, pills.

I'm not asking about those bums. I'm asking about you.

Sometimes I wish you were like other dads.

But then like, Mr. Scangarelo, for example.

An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? Ugh.

- So many dads are full of shit. - I'm not?

You finally told the truth about this.

Look, med, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses.

The stock market...

Look, dad, please. Don't start mealy-mouthing.

How's my sweetheart?

I'm so pissed, I can hardly see.

You getting the flu?

- No. That's my cousin, Svetlana. - The amputee?

Two months she's only in America, and she's already getting married.

You knew the deal. I got two kids. We talked about this.

Yes, and a wife whenever you want. What do I have in my life?

Am I glad I called.

Fuck you, then! Hang up!

How are the whirlpool jets?

Don't throw up in my face things you buy me.

Her prosthetic leg fell off in a gap store...

And he carries her out like a knight...

In a white satin armor.

I gotta go, my daughter's coming.

Jesus!

How you feeling?

Better, actually. Fever just broke. I miss you two.

- How's the interviews going? - Good, real good.

Did she like Bates?

Anything to get her off of this Berkeley kick.

What the fuck?

Tony?

Look, I'll call you from the motel.

Meadow! Come on!

- Come on, get in. - Okay, okay, what's the rush?

Jesus, dad!

What's going on?

I think I saw an old friend.

You know that guy?

Maybe not. Probably not.

Then what?

Dad, slow down!

- Jesus, what's with you?! - It's all right.

Fucking maniac!

- What's going on? - Just fooling around.

Colby! Turn!

Colby! Turn left, it's left!

That's because you're talking.

This gets us to Colby anyhow.

Dad, that's our motel.

Our motel's right there.

- Did you know that guy? - It wasn't him.

Bada-bing.

Take this number down.

Now? It's pouring.

Bonjour. Room service est arrive.

Why, thank you, kind sir.

What? You said poached eggs.

You're not eating, after all that work?

My eyes were bigger than my stomach.

Why don't you go over to Jason's, play Nintendo.

Nope, no kisses. Cooties.

I'll be back in an hour.

Okay.

Oh, motherfucker.

Motherfucking shit.

I'm not sure, but I think I saw Fabian Petrulio.

- Refresh my memory. - Before your time?

Made guy, flipped 10 years ago. He got busted for peddling H.

Took out a lot of people.

People from our outfit.

My old man was sick. He never recovered when he heard.

You saw this guy?

I'm saying I think I did, but I'm not sure.

Up in Maine? What the fuck?

He was in the witness-protection program. Then they kicked him out.

He goes to colleges and gets paid...

To talk about what a big mafioso he was.

Piece of shit.

We partied, but Jackie Aprile knew him good.

They did time in Lewisburg.

You know that bust in his rec room with Sinatra?

Febbie made it in a prison workshop.

That was frank? I always thought it was Shaquille.

Fucker needs to practice on lips.

I know. Anyway, run these plates for me.

Go ahead.

"Maine, DX66920"; call you back tonight at 10, all right?

What's wrong with the phone in your room?

Nothing. Just taking a walk, saw it, figured I'd call Christopher.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Everything okay?

They got a leak in the roof, all right?

- Who is it? - Father Phil.

Just a second. Oh, Jesus.

- Oh, my God. Look at you! - I hope I'm not barging in.

No. I was watching TV.

I was at the clothing drive. I thought you were in Maine.

Your moschino peddle-pusher suit, it flew out of there.

Good, good, good!

Anyway, Jean Cusamano said you were ill.

Yes, I was. The flu that was going around.

- Yipes! - Yeah, I still have a little fever.

I also have a confession to make, Carm.

I have a Jones for your baked ziti.

I have some in the freezer. I can reheat it.

It's so much better that way.

- The mozzarella gets nice and chewy. - I like that.

I was having some fernet. Would you like something?

Some wine, if it's open.

So how's med and Tony's trip going?

I should know? He doesn't have time to talk to me for two minutes.

Stop staring. Why are you doing that?

It's an exciting time.

I can't tell you how proud I am.

A real student at case Soprano.

And she looks like a model out of Italian vogue.

Italian, Italian, Italian. Thank you.

You're up to something.

How'd you get so cynical?

That stuff we talked about. How's that sitting with you?

Not like I wasn't 90% sure already.

What about your brother? Does he know?

There was a time when Italian people didn't have a lot of options.

You mean like Mario Cuomo?

Sorry.

I put food on the table.

My father was in it, my uncle was in it.

Maybe I was too lazy to think for myself.

Considered myself a rebel.

Being a rebel in my family would have been selling patio furniture.

In college, nothing interested you?

I barely got in.

Well, I kind of liked history.

Yeah?

Napoleon, the Roman empire.

The Potsdam conference, that stuff.

The Potsdam conference?

- Potsdamned if I know now. - Oh, my God.

I have something to tell you.

Yeah?

You're not...?

No. Jesus.

A couple of weeks ago, me and some friends, we were doing speed.

- We did a lot for a while. - You what?

It was just between homework and SATs and the general pressure of life...

We needed something.

- That crap'll kill you! - I know.