Murderville

Meet Terry Seattle, Homicide Division.

For Terry, every day, means a new murder case,

and a new celebrity guest star as his partner.

Today's guest: comedy legend Conan O'Brien.

But here's the catch.

Conan isn't being given a script.

He has no idea what's about to happen.

Together, he and Terry will have to improvise their way through the case.

But it'll be up to Conan alone to name the killer.

So join them as they punch a one-way ticket

to Murderville.

The big city.

Where only the strong survive…

And the ruthless… thrive.

I just made that rhyme up.

No big deal. I can do all sorts of cool stuff.

My name is Terry Seattle.

I'm a senior homicide detective. And I am killing it.

Detective.

Morning, Chief.

Pleasure to see you.

Pleasure to see you. I hope you're doing very well.

I am doing very well. Thank you.

You need to come past the house and pick up the rest of your crap.

That is not crap, Rhonda, that's 17 years of marriage.

It's a broken PlayStation 2, some old Maxim magazines,

a car wash receipt signed by Axl Rose

and a "Take me drunk I'm home" t-shirt.

If you had read just one of those Maxim articles,

you would know that as a modern male--

Terry, come get your shit or I'm throwing it out.

Okay?

Okay.

Don't pout, Detective. I've got a present for you.

A new partner.

No, you can't be serious. Come on, my life's not going wrong enough as it is

that I gotta babysit some homicide trainee?

Do you not remember what happened when I babysat your nephew?

Come on out, Conan.

Come a little closer.

I never liked to presume how close I can get.

That's just fine.

Terry, meet your new partner, Conan O'Brien.

Conan, this is senior detective, Terry Seattle.

Good to see you, sir. How are you?

Got quite a grip on you, huh?

- Yeah. - Good Lord.

- Yes. - Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Put your fingers in your ears.

Are you joking?

I mean, did I just turn seven years old? Because you hired a goddamn clown!

You're the only detective who can't keep a partner.

Yeah, because they're all idiots!

I mean, look at this guy with his fingers in his ears. I mean, God!

I can actually,

the fingers don't actually block out the sound that well,

so I heard clown, I heard idiot.

Terry, make it work.

Nice to meet you.

Let me tell you something.

This ginger monstrosity is the biggest mistake in the history of city homicide!

No offense.

None taken.

You seem very nervous.

It's my first day on the job and you're a bit of a legend, so.

It's Terry Seattle. Is that it?

You do more bowing than a goddamn Tommy Tune.

Okay, bit of an outdated reference if you ask me, but--

Follow me.

- It's a great office you have here. -

Talker.

Yeah. Okay.

Senior detective, Terry Seattle. And no, I've never been.

That was gonna be my first question.

- Of course it was. - Yeah.

I got married in Seattle.

What?

I got married in Seattle.

No, I mean, you got married?

Yeah.

To what?

To a wonderful woman.

Does she know?

Uh…

She has an idea. Let's just put it that way.

Listen,

I hope you don't take this personal,

but I'm not really looking for a new partner. I already had the best.

Her name was Lori Griffin. And she was murdered 15 years ago.

Oh…

And out of respect for Lori Griffin,

her desk has remained completely untouched.

Since that night.

Everything is the same, just the way she left it. Her case notes,

her uneaten breakfast burrito,

her pet rabbit, Gulliver. God, I miss that little guy.

You know, you can feed those things even after the owner's gone.

It would not be respectful to touch it.

Just feed and water them, a rabbit can live--

Disrespectful.

40 years.

Disrespectful.

What'd you do prior to this,

before you decided to become a homicide detective? What kind of work were you in?

Been a lot of things. An entertainer for a while. I, uh--

Yeah. Well, listen, none of that matters now. Nobody cares.

- Well, you just asked. - No, but none of it matters.

City homicide isn't for precious little man-boys

who are afraid to get their lips dirty and their pants wet. Okay?

No, I wouldn't think so.

'Cause you don't know anything about getting your lips dirty, do you?

You probably keep your lips real clean.

I can get these lips as dirty as you want them to be.

Just covered in all kinds of stuff.

City homicide, we're bad dudes.

I'm a bad dude. Are you a bad dude?

Listen,

you are a bad mofo. Everyone knows it.

And I want to get in there. I want to get my hands dirty, my lips dirty.

I want to solve whatever case comes our way.

He's got the goods.

He's got what it takes to be a hard-ass, homicide detective trainee.

Well, that's good news. Because there's been a murder.

What?

A magician performing at the grand opening of the city library

sawed his assistant in half

but couldn't put her back together again.

Classic Humpty Dumpty.

I need you two down there on the double.

Goodbye, Chief.

You ready to go solve this murder?

I am. I'm ready to go.

- Yeah, let's get going. - All right.

We took my '82 Dodge Rampage

over to the library to check out the crime scene.

It was time for Conan to take off his training diaper

and start pooping his pants like a big boy.

Terry Seattle, Senior Detec-- Doesn't matter.

You don't need to show-- we're in a crime scene, okay?

I think we should find out what the hell went on here.

- Officers. - Officers.

I already said officers.

Okay.

Well, well, look at this guy.

Hola , Seattle.

You must be Terry's new partner.

Yes. I'm his new partner, Conan O'Brien. What's your name?

Detective Darren Phillips. Most people call me Daz.

Nobody call-- I don't call you Daz at all.

It's a pleasure.

Detective Phillips, honor to see you. What's going on?

All right, stop schmoozing with this guy. What's wrong? You're just embarrassing.

Just tell him it's our crime scene and get the hell out of here.

Hey, this is our crime scene. We're taking lead on this one.

We understand there's been a homicide murder.

Uh, victim sawed in half during some kind of magical performance, if you will.

Why are you telling him? He's an officer.

I'm reviewing the facts of what I've heard so far.

Let's continue. Sir, please. How can we help?

What do we got here?

This gentleman is Captivating Keith.

It was his assistant who got sawed in half.

I don't know what happened, man.

My assistant, Sarah and me, we just--

we did the same routine we've always done.

Somebody must have gone in and they must have

replaced the trick saw with a real saw.

The blood. There, there, blood. It's just everywhere! Blood!

Did you think at any point when there was all that blood

that maybe you should stop sawing? Did that occur to you?

Maybe.

Did you have a safe word that you normally employ?

- Of course we had a safe word. - Okay.

If anything was to go wrong, my assistant was supposed to shout, "Stop!"

But all I heard was, "Keith, you're sawing me in half."

- I guess it's not the safe word. - No, they're not the same.

- Yeah, well… Really isn't. - There's rules.

We're sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Amber.

This is Amber Kang. Forensics.

Nice to see you.

- Wow, wow, wow. - Uh…

Homicide detective, Kang Coroner… Uh…

- What…? - What? I'm sorry.

What are you doing? You're embarrassing, you're so nerv--

I got nervous.

Amber, um…

we'd like to know what's happening here. State of the body… dead, I presume.

Very dead.

What've we got here, Amber?

Let me take you over to the murder weapon.

Now, here's something interesting. No fingerprints.

But, you'll never guess what I did find on the handle.

Traces of hot sauce.

Wow!

- Hot sauce on the handle. - Spicy.

The body is right there.

And you're being a total clown.

Now, just take it easy.