American Dad!

Do you ever think about dying?

I just watched Chernobyl on HBO.

There were so many people dying,

I couldn't even laugh at the jokes.

You never know what's gonna get ya, Francine.

Take my friend, Jennifer.

She got warts on her feet walking barefoot

at a Rascal Flatts concert.

Which is why I always wear foot condoms.

You'd think they don't make condoms that big.

But I've got a guy? Downtown?

He'll make you condoms any size you want.

Roger! I'm trying to talk to you about death.

Do you realize we could go at any time?

And as if that weren't bad enough,

Jennifer's having a crisis with her adult daughter, Ricki.

Can you listen to me?

Ricki won't move out of the house.

And now Ricki's adult mom's new boyfriend,

Douglath... that's how he pronounces it

because he says that's the "official" way...

Douglath...

He's so annoying!

Brain, do what Roger sounds like.

"Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah." That's exactly right, brain.

Good impression.

Maybe I should just go.

Yeah, good idea.

- I'm gonna go. - Oh, don't go!

Having you here makes me feel so heard.

I guess that's why you're my best friend

in the whole wide world.

- I'm your best friend? - Yes.

What about Stan?

He's been distant since we kissed at Coachella.

- How about Klaus? - Derendorf?

The LA-based record producer?

- I barely know him! - What about Steve?

Potrowski?

- Hayley... - Joel Osment?

A solid friend, but we'll never be

as close as you and me.

I guess I could hang out a bit longer.

Good. Oh, get this!

Jennifer's daughter had sex with a man at SeaWorld.

In front of the dolphins.

And the dolphins started acting all weird after.

They had to pour CBD oil into the tank.

Death. Death. Death. Death.

Death. Death. Death.

Oh, Francine! I got an update...

...about Ricki's adult mom

Jennifer's boyfriend, Douglath!

Where is she?

Oh, hey, Hayley.

Puttin' in a tampon?

Get out!

Sheesh. Must be that time of the month.

Oh, a visitor.

Welcome to my alcove.

I'm hiding out from Roger,

and this is the last place anyone would ever go.

Visitors can sometimes say the cruelest things.

Alas, why was I born loving visitors so?

You must never let a visitor see your tears, Klaus.

Good one, Francine.

I'm actually off to a bit of a spa day

in the kitchen.

You should come with.

Francine?

You in here cooking up some yogurt?

Nothing like a good steam.

So, what's going on with you and Roger?

He doesn't listen to me anymore.

He's always blah, blah, blah nonstop.

Seems like maybe the door is opening wider

for our friendship.

I don't come to the spa to be hit on

by little orange lame-os.

I'm trying to solve my problem with Roger.

Well, you could be honest with him about your feelings.

Like you are with me for some cruel reason.

Well, if it's his constant gabbing

that's driving you crazy, go somewhere he can't talk.

Like space!

- Or the movies. - Oh, that's great.

Because it's closer.

And I know how to get there.

And I have a coupon.

And you can't eat Goobers in space.

They'd float away!

I think that's enough reasons.

So it turns out, Ricki's boyfriend wasn't a lawyer.

He was just carrying a briefcase to and from Starbucks every day.

Jennifer was crushed.

Mister, you're ruining my first trip to the movies.

I see right through you, pal. You're not a little kid.

You're just a tiny man who gets his rocks off

pretending he's never been to a theater before.

You don't know me.

Roger, be quiet!

Fine, I'll whisper.

So, Jennifer is taking a trip to Chicago...

Oh, my gosh. Have you ever been to Chicago?

There is so much deep-dish pizza,

which is a thing I do not like.

I'm more of a super-flat cheeseburger guy myself.

What is happening?

I love this whispering.

Please direct me to your city's finest, flattest cheeseburger.

Goosebumps.

The real Chicagoan experience...

Y'all feelin' this?!

Neuron dance party!

...a man on the bus said it didn't matter how much

I liked flat cheeseburgers.

That didn't make it a Chicago thing.

So, whatever, that trip was a bust.

The end.

No, keep talking about yourself,

and don't forget to whisper.

You're the best listener in the world.

Okay, so after Chi-Town, I was like,

"Why am I traveling so much?"

So I stayed home and went to CVS

and slid around the linoleum

in the socks Stan yelled at me for wearing hiking.

There she is, fellas.

The future Mrs. Ashley Wagner.

I'll be taking her name when we get married.

Does she even know you exist?

Not yet, but I've written a love note

to drop in her locker.

Smart! Girls love to read!

I told her I'd reveal myself at the dance

and signed it "Your secret admirer,"

so she'll fall in love with me for the merits of my writing

and not my Rachel Maddow good looks.

Coming through!

Dangerous construction materials!

Shortcut to the site, through the school!

Oh, goth girls. Spooky.

Steve, look out!

Oh, God! I could be blamed for this.

My sweet Steve!

We were friends!

We were friends!

What are you talking about?

We're still friends.

Do you not feel it?

Feel what?

Hey, look. Someone slipped me a note.

"Dear beautiful."

Flattery will get you everywhere.

"You're all I can think about..."

Are you all right?

I'm better than all right!

I have a secret admirer!

And she's gonna reveal herself at the dance!

Looks like ol' Steven Anita

might be the first to lose his V-card.

One of those days?

Roger whispered.

And when he did,

it gave me an incredible sensation.

A kind of peace and relaxation I haven't felt

since I started obsessing over death.

I got the chilly thrillies up and down my neck!

Ah, yes.

Technically, it's called ASMR.

ASMR? As in...

asymmetrical sexy men rule?

No. It's when you get unbelievably relaxed

by whispers.

It also works with eating pickles or other crunchy foods,

like...

pickles, which is...

the best example.

Some people think ASMR is sexual,

but for most people, it's not.

But for me, it definitely is.

Klaus, this is perfect!

I'll just hang out with Roger where he's forced to whisper.

So it turns out,

Ricki's boyfriend didn't run out on her.

He just got tangled in some wind chimes at a Pier 1

and they found him a couple of days ago,

severely dehydrated.

That movie was really relaxing.

Oh, yeah, these Transformers movies are so zen.

All that metal-on-metal scraping.

And Optimus Prime is sneaky funny.

Hanging out with you has really taken my mind off

death by nuclear holocaust.

In fact, why are we leaving?

Let's see another movie.

I'm a little movied out.

Can we go somewhere where I can talk?

Out loud?

Oh! Yes.