I Want My Wife Back

"Dear Murray, I'm going away for a bit."

Don, listen, I've got to cancel.

'We've brought Gord and Aud.'

Hi!

Hi! - God, what happened to your ear?

Oh, don't worry. Er, someone bit me, it's fine.

Everyone's been running round like headless chickens

looking for that memory stick. Emma said you had it.

- Yeah, I've got it here. Er... - Well?

- I've moved in with Abby. - What?

It gives me great pleasure to present to you

this luxury beach-side villa on the Turkish Riviera.

The adventure starts tonight!

Come on, your flight leaves in two hours!

Right...

Shall we check in?

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

We've got the tickets and everything.

Murray, I know this isn't easy, but I need some time away.

You'll have that. In Turkey.

On my own, Murray.

We could sleep at different ends of the villa.

OK.

- Bex... - Taxi. - I'll sleep in the hammock.

- All right, love? - Can you take me back to Brighton?

- Yeah, course. - No, no. Not Brighton. We're going to Turkey.

I'll be at Abby's, OK? And I'll call you...

- Please, take it. It's all yours. - Right, thank you.

Right, where are the tickets?

Please, don't make this more difficult

than it already is, Murray.

- Ooh! New bikini! - You just leave that, please.

Tickets... Yep.

Passports... Brilliant.

I'll just get you to Turkey, all that stress will disappear.

- Taxi! - No, no. No.

Er, we're fine, thanks. Not needed. Sorry.

I've no money. Is it OK to stop at a cashpoint?

Go ahead. It's all yours. Yeah, we're going to Turkey.

- Had a nice holiday? - It was OK.

See? See how relaxed he is, Bex? Come on.

Give me your bag. I'll check in. Come on.

We'll wake up in that golden sunshine

and have a good old natter about...

Bex?

Bex!

Bex! Bex!

Bex...

The plane leaves in an hour!

Bex!

Morning.

Morning, Bex.

How did you sleep?

- Mm, not great. - Well, it is a Bodyshape memory-foam mattress.

- I've never had any complaints before. - No, no.

The mattress was fine. It was just I can't stop thinking about Murray.

Bex...

we discussed this.

To reach your potential, you need to find the right soil.

And the soil in that relationship with Murray is the...

- The wrong soil. - Exactly.

Just as Clifford was my wrong soil.

But you're free now, my darling.

Just don't forget we wear the airline slippers in here

with bare feet. Otherwise we smudge the Italian tiling.

- Sorry. - No, no! You're forgiven.

First offence.

I carry mine around in my pocket, but if ever you forget,

I keep some spares in this container here.

And some by the door.

Oh, that's handy.

It's just a few simple rules.

Otherwise it's anarchy.

Oh, and don't forget, it's book club tonight.

- You have read the book, haven't you? - Yeah.

- I really enjoyed... - No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't tell me what you thought now. Discussion time is later.

- Ah, Don. - 'Hi, Murray.'

I won't be long. Costs a fortune to call Turkey from a mobile.

Oh... Has Bex not spoken to you?

Oh, I know, I know, it's Mehmet, isn't it?

He's just called to apologise

for not being at the airport for you.

He's going to bring round some olives to say sorry.

Sort of Turkish custom.

Oh! Oh, no, no. No, tell him not to bother.

Actually, you've flown in at a really good time.

There's some Turkish festival tonight.

- Mehmet's going to barbecue a goat. - Right.

Don, I did send a text to Bex reminding her to call you, so...

Text?

You two not talking to each other?

No, no, no. It's...

a little bit more complicated than that.

Have you been out on the balcony yet?

- Er... Not yet, no. - Well, go now.

I've got a little something for you.

- Don, I... - Go on. I want to hear your reaction.

- Are you there yet? - Um...

Er...

Yes?

Well? What do you think?

Eh? Eh?

Oh, Don I'm... speechless.

You love it, don't you? I knew you'd love it.

Yes, I do... love it. Yeah.

What do you think of the colour?

I love it.

You were always commenting on my hot tub.

I... Yes, a hot tub, yeah!

- Ha-ha-ha! - Now, listen.

I don't want you two getting up to any naughtiness in there.

We won't.

Um, Don, I-I...

I really think you should speak to Bex.

What is it, Paula?

Sorry, Murray.

I'm being summoned. I'll talk to you later.

Don...

'Hi, this is Bex. Please leave a message.'

Bex...

I really think you should talk to your parents.

You've got to tell them what's going on.

Thanks.

Can I help?

Oh, hi. Hi.

Actually, yes. Um...

I haven't got an appointment,

is there any chance of a wash and blow?

- Yes, of course. - Great.

What are you doing here?

W-W-What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be in Turkey.

G-G-Grant!

I thought you were in Turkey.

So you thought you'd use my house?

- My bed? - Well, I couldn't take her back to Mum's.

Hasn't she got a place of her own?

She's got cats, and you know what I'm like with cats.

- At nine o'clock in the morning? - Well, she works nights.

She doesn't knock off from the petrol station till eight.

- What do you think? - I asked you to pop round and clear up,

not drag someone back from the petrol pumps for a quick... pump.

Mark, you said the house was empty.

Wait, Bex didn't open her presents.

Her 40th birthday...

She hasn't even got her presents.

Yeah, look...

If this is all going to get emotional,

I'm really not sure I'm your man.

I just don't know how it got to this.

You know, sometimes in these situations,

it's best just to keep things...

bottled up.

Or you could pop round

and give her the presents. That'll break the ice.

That's actually not a bad idea.

Yeah, and then you could take her out for a coffee

- and, like, really chat things through. - You're not using the house.

Grant, are we doing this or not?

No, you're not! Go somewhere else.

Let yourself out.

So, are you going anywhere nice on your holidays?

Well, I was. I'm not now.

Yeah, I turned down the chance of going to Turkey last night.

I...

I actually got all the way to the airport and couldn't face it.

Long story.

Bex?

Bex!

Mum.

Oh, hi, Abby.

Er...

Look, I know it's a bit awkward cos of the situation with Bex,

but probably best if you and I just try and get along.

What do you want, Murray?

I-I-I've got these birthday presents for her, so...

She's hurting, Murray. Really hurting.

So if I could just give them to her.

Do you want to know the name of the person who hurt her?

Rather just give her the presents.

The name of the person who hurt her is Murray.

Yes, I thought it might be.

Er, could I please just speak to my wife?

She's not in.

Right.

Do you know where she is, or...?

For your information, I'm trying to create a Murray-free zone here.

- Thanks for the heads-up. - A Murray-less safe haven.

I'll take the presents...

- I'd like to give them to her. - No, no.

- No, give them to me. - I want to give her the presents myself.

No! I don't want you coming back!

Oh, hi, Bex. Where are you?

Why are you at your parents'?

What...? Hey! No...

She doesn't want to see you, Murray.

Go on through. I'm just making lunch.

Oh, Murray.

I can't believe it.