Diary of an Uber Driver

Hello. How are you?

Just heading to Martin Place, please.

Yes. Easy.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry, do you mind if I use the phone?

No.

Taxi!

Taxi, yo!

Hi. Hello.

How's is going?

- Where to, guys? - Northies.

Take us to Northies, bro.

- Yeah, bros! - Whoo!

Wait, I'm going to Snapchat this bloke. Yoo!

Yeah, boy!

Shit.

Hi.

Sorry.

- I love you. - Love you.

Ash!

Ashish!

- Yes? - What are you eating?

Oh, this?

It's just some daal.

Yes, it looks like the daal that I was saving for myself.

Oh, no. Oh, I... I'm sorry.

I must have accidentally looked

at your fridge shelf rather than my own.

What's the point of having a shelf system

if no-one's going to honour it?

Honour? Saad, the only other thing in that fridge

is Raj's haemorrhoid cream.

There is no honour in this house.

Why does he do that?

I like it cold!

I didn't ask you to take the bloody scenic route.

I didn't take the scenic route.

I've lived here my whole life.

I know how to get to fuckin' Leichhardt.

- This is the fastest route. - Bullshit.

- It's traffic everywhere else. - Utter bullshit.

Fuck!

This is absolute fucking gridlock.

We are not going anywhere.

Why are we sitting here?

You know what?

It's going to be better to walk.

Hey, wait. It's $27.50.

That's all you're getting.

No, wait! Hey! Hey!

It's $27.50!

Learn to drive properly, you'll get paid properly.

Come on, man.

Shit!

- Hi! - Hello! How are you?

Good, thanks. How are you?

Um, just heading to Bella Vista, please.

Yes, no worries.

How are you? Did you have a good day?

Oh, yeah. Not too bad.

Just been shopping with my sister.

Mm.

Probably spent too much money, but whatever.

Trying not to think about it. Are you having a good day?

Ah, OK.

Ah, last passenger, he was very angry.

Oh, no, really? Why?

Oh, he thought that I was taking him for a ride...

Oh, my God! Is that Rachel?

Oh, my God, it is!

Oh, driver, can you just pull over here, please?

- What? - Uh, sorry. I just saw my friend,

and can you just pull over here?

Sure.

Uh, here you go.

Uh, keep the change.

Rachel!

- Hey! - Oh, my God!

- What are you doing here? - You look amazing.

Thank you!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Motherfucker! No!

- Need a hand with your bags? - All good.

- Chuck them in the back. - Motherfucker!

- Uh-oh, here we go. - Fucking Uber fuck!

- Calm down, mate. - You jerk!

You don't know. You don't!

Look, the cab rank is over there.

She booked me to pick her up here.

- That's just how it is. - Motherfucking... You have no idea.

You don't know. You... you don't!

I'm sorry, mate. I got to go. I can't park here.

Stupid fucking...

Fucking Uber.

Fuck!

Oh, I'm so sorry about that.

What was his problem?

I don't know, these insane cab drivers.

I mean, you know what it is?

I think that they've just had it too good for too long.

And I feel for them, but it's like,

you know, they just got a little bit comfortable

- and a little bit entitled. - Yeah, right.

You can't just get angry 'cause you don't like change.

Mm.

I was in the front row in... 2013?

But it was worth every penny, because let me tell you,

she was absolutely sublime.

- Superb. - Yeah, yeah. I was there.

You were not.

I love Carol King.

You're either lying

or you look impeccable for a gay man in his fifties.

I was there. I took my stepmum.

- Wasn't it gorgeous, Terry? - Sorry, Jim?

I said, wasn't Carol King gorgeous?

You're asking my opinion, are you?

OK, what exactly has got your goat, hmm?

Out with it. I... I'm not playing this game.

It's just nice to get a word in.

For once.

Oh, I see.

This is because I was talking to Susie Bruckner, is it?

Terry, darling,

if you want to go gallivanting around town

looking for love, by all means do so,

but I will not be blamed for your sexual frustration.

Oh, that's not fair, Jim.

You... You don't know what it's like to have to jump back in

after your wife suddenly up and leaves you.

Don't listen to him. She left five years ago,

and it was as amicable a separation

as anyone could hope for.

I'm just asking for a bit of thoughtfulness, that's all.

You know what you're like.

Actually, I don't know what I'm like, Terry.

Why don't you tell me?

You're a very charismatic man.

Well, thank you.

You're very affable with your whole Kevin Costner thing.

You're a very handsome man, Terry.

Wouldn't you agree, driver?

Absolutely. Yep.

Russell Crowe-ish.

Yeah. See?

Well, people are drawn to you, that's all,

and I just think sometimes

you could leave a little bit more room for others socially.

OK. All right.

I can see I might not have been the best wingman, as they say.

Oh, I don't need a wingman. I just...

... you know...

Some room for Terry to shine.

Yeah. Just a little bit of room for Terry.

Susie's as head over heels for him as he is for her.

The only reason she talks to me

is because every time she tries with him,

the poor man almost passes out with nerves.

Hey, I was thinking...

Yeah?

... we might go to that new Lebanese restaurant

- by Callum's tonight. - Oh, yeah, please.

- Thanks, driver. - See ya, guys.

- Seemed like a nice bloke. - Yeah.

I don't want Jack to come to dinner.

I kind of like him.

I don't think Josie even likes him.

Shit.

Get this. She said she has to let him win at reading.

What does that mean? How do you win at reading?

I think he sulks if she laughs before him at the subtitles.

Ah!

You definitely don't have a Phillips head?

I thought that was a Phillips head.

There's a different one in the kitchen.

Oh, my God.

- Where is it? - Third drawer.

What is this?

Oh, hey.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I said, "Third drawer."

Why have you got a drawer full of wrappers?

Because I was saving them for a competition.

But there's, like, 50 different brands in here.

Wow.

I really underestimated your ability to self-destruct.

Yeah, well, I really underestimated your ability to be a dick.

Why are you hiding them?

Because you're always snooping.

Always snooping?

Oh, you mean taking your rubbish out.

What, is it a pregnancy craving?

No, just...

I eat sugar when I'm nervous.