Teachers

You know there's no music, right?

Don't need it. I am celebrating.

That bitch, Alyssa F., got transferred out of my class.

Whoo!

Bye-bye!

Alyssa with the leg braces?

Look, I know it sounds rough, but everyone telling her

"you can do anything" gave her a serious attitude problem.

Whoo! We're so drunk.

Why are we watching this?

- Because it's sad. - Because it's hilarious.

Watch my purse.

Gotta drop some diamonds in the vault.

Be still, my babies.

Whoopsie, girlie-o. This way.

We're having fun.

You guys, I have to tell you

about the most amazing book I'm reading,

"The System" by Dr. Daffodil Shalomar.

What's The System?

The System is all about the power of positive thinking.

It says that if you want something,

you just demand it and it'll happen.

You know that's bullshit, right?

Oh, really? Because last night,

I demanded more order in my life, and this morning,

The Container Store sent me this coupon.

The System works.

Uh-ohh. No, no, this way. Okay, here we go.

Oh, get your roots done. You make me sick!

Oh, we're making fun of people,

which means we're having fun.

I feel fat.

- No. - Yeah.

Chelsea, you look like a supermodel.

You're practically anorexic.

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, what would I do without you constantly complimenting me?

Okay, I have to get out of this jumper.

I feel like a Chilean miner in here.

Thanks, bitch. I just love ya.

Hey, don't forget, this is the last week

you can get your physical if you want insurance to cover it.

Why do we have to answer all those personal questions?

Had mine this morning. Gotta say,

not as much fun as when the breast exam van comes by.

There's no breast exam van.

Oh, shit.

I demand water!

The System works.

No. I set up a delivery yesterday.

Or did I set it up with my mind?

I cannot believe you're buying into

this commercialized spirituality.

That book comes with a T-shirt.

Jodi Sweetin swears by it.

It's what finally got her off meth.

Does The System work for things you don't want to happen?

Hey, girl. Fun night last night.

Here, take some of this lotion.

I feel like I just gave 11 hand jobs.

I just love ya.

Stop it!

I have to go teach a class.

So nobody's been in a van that gives breast exams?

All right class, the first step of the scientific method

is to ask a question. Today's question is...

what happened to Seal's face?

Brad?

He got burned by oil.

What a great detail. Great critical thinking.

Good job. Yeah, sweetie?

Maybe he got scratched by a tiger.

Mm-hmm, yeah, that's a real possibility too.

Polly?

I think he's allergic to seals.

Wow, guys. Is Seal allergic to seals?

Or is he allergic to himself?

A bit too much?

Ms. Feldman? I need to see you

in my office, now.

Ooh!

Ooh!

I love you guys.

All right, everyone, hand in

your pen pal letters for the elderly.

Hey, give it back! I need it.

- Avery? Maria? - No, I want... I want it!

What's going on back here?

She's touching my crayons.

Avery, are you touching Maria's crayons?

Yeah, I want a crayon.

If you want to touch someone's crayons,

you should find someone who's okay

with having their crayons touched.

But I thought we were supposed to share.

No! No more sharing!

It sends a very confusing message.

She's my friend.

I don't care.

Avery, you want more from Maria than Maria is willing to give.

Maria, I think you should stop being Avery's friend.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's the biggest deal ever!

You can't just touch your best friend's crayons

and expect everything to be okay!

Ms. Feldman, you know that health history form

you filled out during your annual physical?

Did you mean to check every box yes?

Yes.

Why would you do that?

You can't have every condition on that form.

I do.

- You take drugs? - Mm-hmm.

- You never exercise? - No.

Often have feelings of paranoia?

None of us could believe you checked that one.

Oh, it's stuff like that that makes me paranoid.

And you frequently experience emotional instability,

hallucinations, delusions of grandeur?

On my period, yes!

Why did you check that you have suicidal thoughts?

Because I have a lot of opinions about suicide.

Oh! Now that I'm hearing that question aloud...

Well, thanks to your answers, the school district is sending

a psychologist to evaluate your classroom performance.

Oh, I do not think that is necessary.

The district does.

Your answers were very disturbing.

Very disturbing!

We're done here.

Oh.

For the record, suicidal opinions

are a lot different than suicidal thoughts.

For sure. Thank you.

Hey, girl. You smell good.

Oh, that's right, it's my lotion.

You and I are eating lunch on the playground today.

There is this hot homeless guy

wandering around the neighborhood.

He looks just like Joaquin Phoenix.

Oh, my God, maybe it is Joaquin Phoenix.

I can't.

- Why not? - I ...have to go

build a wood shack and make Ranch dip.

- What? - I like you as a friend,

but we're not exclusive lunch buddies.

All right, whatever. Bye, Felicia.

Hey girl, you missed some goodies at lunch today.

I was ears deep in a hot muffin.

Is it just me or is Bennigan acting weird lately?

No, I just had lunch with her and she seemed fine.

Oh, dang! Let me ask you this.

If you had neighbors next door that were loud,

you'd call that hearing voices, wouldn't you?

Wait, you had lunch with her?

Whatever.

I didn't even want to have lunch with her today anyway.

Did you know that she posts YouTube videos

on how to fold a fitted sheet? Weird, right?

You're still here?

What the heck?

Did you two have a fight or something?

We're, like, not even close enough friends to have a fight.

Besides, I have tons of friends. Too many friends.

In fact, last year during spring cleaning,

I got rid of some friends.

Get out of my face!

What are you doing?

I'm making a vision board.

The System says it'll complement my demands

and help me achieve my goals.

Oh. Is that an infinity pool?

Yes, and a husband with a boat,

a private orchard, and a bathroom with a telephone.

You do know you make $37,000 a year, right?

I don't like your attitude. I demand that you leave.

Just so you know, I'm leaving because I can't stand to be

around this idiocy anymore, not because you willed it.

The System works.

Ugh, I look heinous.

I can feel my heartbeat through this pimple.

Ugh. Yeah, when that thing blows,

it's gonna be like Pompeii in here.

Okay, I'm clearly not doing well,

so the polite thing to do when someone criticizes themselves

is to compliment them.

Sorry, Chelsea, I'm not gonna "Bennigan" you.

Oh.

How am I supposed to feel good about myself?