Cunk on Britain

This programme contains some strong language

Today, Britain stands at a fork in its crossroads.

And its people are asking questions.

Now we've got our country back, what actually is it?

Who are we? And why?

The best way to find out where Britain's heading is to

look behind us into something called "history",

a sort of rear view mirror for time.

So that's where I'm going.

Back there.

It's a journey that'll take me the length

and width of the country, from the White Cliffs of Dover

to the Scottish high lands of the Scottish Highlands.

From old stone circles to modern stone circles.

From the tranquil beauty of Roman Bath to the

Golden Wonder of Oxford Services.

I'll discover how we went from Ancient Man to Ed Sheer-an,

why Elizabeth I happened,

and solving the mystery of just who Winston Churchill was,

and why he wound up helplessly trapped inside this banknote.

Along the way, I'll be shouting at helicopters

and looking at some of the biggest faces in British history,

and asking other people's faces about them.

Why did they call John Major the Prince of Onions?

Ummmmmm...

And also walking somewhere impressive with my mouth shut

while my voice speaks anyway, like I'm talking aloud in my own head.

All of it taking place in this sceptered isle we call home.

So join me, Philomena Cunk, as I take you right up

the history of the United Britain of Great Kingdom.

This...is Cunk on Britain.

It's hard to imagine while you're standing in it,

but there was a time before Britain. Before Europe.

Before the world, even before the universe.

Nobody can say when it was, because it was also before clocks.

And words. It was a time when nothing existed.

Empty. Without motion, or energy, or light, or hope.

Just like Plymouth today.

Just imagine something like this orange.

And then imagine it's not there.

Then do that one by one, with everything that exists

until there's nothing at all.

That's what Britain was like until the Big Bang.

The Big Bang created the universe in one mad explosion that was

probably deafening, although, luckily, ears didn't exist yet.

Computers think it looked like this, although eyes also didn't

exist back then either so we can't be sure, and it was

so long ago now it's probably best not to keep dredging it up.

Britain was already part of Earth but it was scrunched in along

with loads of other countries in a gigantic land mass called Pangea.

At this time, Pangea was full of Dinosaur, a race of Godzilla

monsters so scary, normal human beings didn't dare exist

until they'd all gone.

Dinosaurs came in many flavours, just like Kettle Chips.

As this actual footage shows, the main ones were the Across ones

who ate grass, and the Up-and-Down ones who ate the Across ones.

This Tyrannical Sawdust Rex is the only real dinosaur left in the

world, which is probably why it's so angry, spending literally every

waking moment of its life roaring helplessly at passing tourists.

People wonder why the dinosaurs became extinct,

although it's hardly surprising they died out

when you see the barbaric conditions they're kept in, in zoos such as

this one, underfed, starving, some of them little more than skeletons.

Luckily, the dinosaurs were soon replaced by different animals.

Animals like me. Man.

But men like me didn't just appear, fully-clothed, on the Earth.

Instead, we had to evolve. Evolution is complicated,

so we've massively slowed it down here so you can see it happening.

And this wasn't the only change that was happening,

Pangea was changing too.

Over time, all the countries decided to split away one by one to

work on solo projects.

And Britain was no exception.

Stones Age man used stones to make basic weapons and tools,

like these hand axes.

As well as boring, these are also shit by today's standards, but

back then they were cutting edge, because they had a cutting edge.

The Stones Age was all rocks, wasn't it?

Are stones made of rock or are rocks made of stone?

Both. A stone is a rock.

Generally a rock... And a rock is a stone.

Yeah, yeah, generally rocks are, uh, more edgy,

more ragged varieties of stone.

The Stone Age lasted a very long time.

In fact, our species spent more time in the Stone Age than any other.

Let's think of it this way, if you look at the human history,

pre-history, as a year and so New Year's Day is where humans

start to use fire, and shape stone tools and this year is the

last split second before midnight at the other end of the year, then

we're in the old Stone Age until about 3pm on the 31st of December.

So rocks are more jaggedy.

You could tell stone age stuff was precious

because they kept everything deep underground.

Why did Stone Age people bury all their stuff underground?

Were they worried someone might steal it?

No, that's how we find it.

It wasn't always underground.

It was on the top.

The reason we find it as archaeologists is that we go

out and we dig it up. Oh.

But not all Stones Age things have to be dug up.

Some are still visible.

Which means you can see them.

This is Stonehenge.

Early man's finest achievement.

To Stones Age Britons, this was a cross between Nemesis

at Alton Towers, in that it was a spectacular attraction,

and the queue for Nemesis at Alton Towers

in that it never fucking moves.

Stonehenge was used to tell the time,

which means Stonehenge is the only clock you can see from space.

Unless you have a clock in your spaceship.

Eventually, primitive cave-boffins discovered new materials.

Early man dropped rocks like a stone,

and got into metal, bronze, and then iron.

Iron Man was born.

But this Iron Man didn't have superpowers like the Iron Man

in films. He couldn't fly or tolerate Gwyneth Paltrow,

so instead he had to go to lengthy measures to defend himself.

Luckily, cave-boffins had also invented the iron spike.

And shortly after inventing the spike,

they invented stabbing each other.

To make sure they stabbed the right people,

Britons formed into primitive gangs, called tribes.

And like many gangs, they got into graffiti,

vandalising the countryside with gigantic doodles

like this badly drawn horse, or this decorative pervert.

Before Snapchat, hills were the most efficient way to distribute

dick pics to a wide audience.

As a result, this site at Cerne Abbas became the second

crudest hill in British history, after Benny.

There's disagreement about how old the Cerne Abbas giant

actually is, especially since he's still young enough to get wood.

What's not in doubt is that he represents

the birth of British art, being the biggest example of a noble

visual tradition that's echoed down the ages.

But this happy land of spikes and hill filth

was about to come under threat from something nobody saw coming.

Romans.

Where did the Romans come from?

To begin with, they came from Rome,

and then they came from the Roman Empire.

Right, but where in Britain did they come from?

Not from Britain, they came from Rome, which is in Italy.

Right, well, this is about the history of Britain, so....

Where in Britain did they come from?

Well, the Romans came from Rome and they headed northwards

and conquered most of Europe. And then they crossed

the English Channel and they conquered about half of Britain.

And where did they go once they were in Britain?

Well, they tried to get to Scotland

but they decided it wasn't worth the effort of going there.

Yeah, I've felt that.

The Romans were so advanced they came with Latin pre-installed.

And they soon taught the primitive locals how to wash

and walk on their hind legs.

The Romans were fearsome in battle but soon found themselves

facing resistance from some British locals known as Celts.

There was heavy fighting, although, according to experts,

it wouldn't have quite looked like this.

Celts famously would... The warriors would strip naked,

paint themselves in designs, and go into battle naked.

They believed that by painting

themselves in designs that they were calling out to their gods,

up in the sky, for protection and for courage and for help.

Did the Romans have chain mail then?

They had, um, armour of a sort.

They had armour and they were naked? Yeah. Who won?

Well... The Romans? The Romans won in the end.

I knew it.

I bet when the Celts turned up naked and saw what the Romans had on,

I bet they were kicking themselves. I bet they felt stupid.

Bet they were like, "Who suggested this?"

Having defeated the Celts,

the Romans set about revolutionising British life.

They built Hard Ian's wall, and put the capital of Britain

in Colchester, were nobody would want to come and get it.

They introduced coins, and invented these primitive 8-bit computer

game graphics, but couldn't make them move.

What the Romans really loved, was bathing, which is

why they built this in the English town of Bathe.

No-one in Britain had seen anything as sophisticated as these baths.

You could think of it as an early example of gentrification,

like when someone opens an artisan bakery in Hull.

Imagine an ancient Briton walking into this place.

He'd scarcely be able to comprehend what he was seeing.

It'd be like Steve McFadden climbing on board Concorde.

Perhaps most impressive of all, the Romans invented roads.

Before roads was invented, you had to travel around by standing

at the edge of your village, and seeing how far you could jump.

Despite all this, some people resisted the Roman invasion.

Queen Boudicca came from Norfolk, like so many rebels.

Myleene Klass.

Ed Balls.

Delia Smith.

Boudicca hated the Romans.

She led a barbarian army in revolt, and attacked Colchester,

turning it from the bustling capital into a smouldering hellhole

full of weeping and despair, which you can still visit today.

Rome was the most advanced warfare machine on the planet.