Mythic Quest

Okay, so I kinda had an epiphany.

What I realized is that one of my problems

is that I'm just really resistant to new things.

I just say no too often, which is totally fear.

So I decided I'm just gonna start saying yes to stuff.

So when you needed someone to drive you,

I just said yes because maybe I can learn something, you know?

Anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I really think you can help me with some important life stuff,

and I really appreciate the opportunity.

Were you talking to me?

Yes.

I'm sorry, dear girl.

There are certain octaves of the female voice that I am no longer able to hear.

I'll take it as a compliment you knew I was a girl.

Honestly, I do appreciate the support.

As you know, I would not have broken my solitude

were it not a matter of utmost urgency.

Yeah, that sounds like some serious shit, man. Where are we going?

To the home of an old writer friend. Well, it's a foe.

He's an untalented hack who stole the love of my life.

We haven't spoken in 40 years,

and recently he reached out and begged me to come and see him.

Says he wants to apologize.

That's nice.

-So you guys are gonna make up? -No.

I'm gonna fuck his wife.

Look, I'm not sure I'm totally comfortable with this.

Don't worry about it. I'll be in and out in 15 minutes.

Yeah, it's not the time that's the issue.

It's more the part where you're gonna, like, fuck some guy's wife.

I'm not literally gonna have sex with his wife.

Anne died years ago. I'm speaking figuratively.

I've come here to cuckold Peter.

Emasculate him beyond repair by flaunting my many successes.

That's sounds super petty and unnecessarily convoluted.

That's what they said about my books.

That didn't stop me from besting Peter in that department.

I'm gonna crush him beneath the weight of my literary oeuvre.

And then when the moment is right, I'm gonna whip it out.

Do not whip it out.

Oh, yes. I'm whipping it out and shoving it right in his face.

-My Nebula. -Thank God.

You can help. Talk me up in there.

Say nothing of the video games.

It's looked down upon in the literary world.

Focus on my books.

This isn't what I had in mind.

Finding answers doesn't always follow what you had in mind.

Jump the fuck in. Get weird.

You might actually learn something.

Hello. You must be Mr. Longbottom.

Yes, you're right.

And you are?

Magda. It's a pleasure. Peter is expecting you.

-Cool house. -Well, thank you, dear boy.

I'm a girl.

Apologies. It was the hair.

-Peter. -Carl.

Hello, old friend.

It's been a long time.

Yeah, a long time indeed.

-You look well. -I look terrible, but I feel great.

So happy to see you.

-Sorry. Hi, yeah. I'm-- -This is my driver.

Yep. I'm the driver.

And yet you came in.

Yes.

That was an interesting choice.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

How's everyone doing out here?

Can I offer you something to drink? Tea, lemonade?

Whiskey, neat. My driver will have the same.

-It's kinda early. -Indeed.

And I'm driving.

Very professional.

I hire only the best. I'll have hers.

Of course.

She is lovely.

That's Magda.

She's been with me a few years. Don't know what I would do without her.

Interesting.

Very interesting.

Hey. Is this you, C.W.?

Yes.

I'm surprised you keep this up here, old boy.

Why wouldn't I? It was one of the greatest times of my life.

Oh, yes.

This was when I met Anne.

Yes.

And together we made this wonderful brood.

Ten grandchildren, if you can believe it.

That's a lot of grandchildren. I have 12.

-She's one. -What?

Your driver is your grandchild?

Calpurnia. She's my biggest fan.

-Yes, I am. -She's also gay.

Yep.

Yep, yep, yep.

The Nebula. This looks familiar.

This is Anne's, of course. All of these are.

She was quite celebrated.

Peter, on the other hand, well, he was...

Is "prolific" the right word?

I suppose you could say that.

What else can you say about someone who wrote 19 novellas?

Nineteen! And all about the same character, mind you.

Called The Hammerfall Cycle.

You wouldn't have heard of them.

Maybe you'd like to read one?

Yeah, thank you. That's nice.

-Start with this one. That's Anne's. -Okay.

She was a true genius.

She was. One of a kind.

Here you are.

Why, thank you.

Well, on to the matter at hand.

Ladies, would you excuse us, please?

No need to take more of your time.

No, I suppose, 40 years is long enough to wait for an apology.

I should think so.

It's hard to know where to begin.

Whenever you're ready.

I'm quite ready.

Yeah, so am I.

Go ahead.

Me?

I'm not apologizing. You are.

I am not.

Then why did I drive all the way up here?

You're going to apologize to me.

Like hell I am. You reached out to me.

Said you wanted to set things right.

-Set things right? -Yeah.

Damn it.

Ginny. My daughter. Just like her mother. Headstrong.

She must have set this up.

And you thought I--

What on earth would I have to apologize for?

For breaking up the tripod.

You disappeared from our lives, Carl.

You didn't even come to Anne's funeral.

She made her choice.

I see.

I always suspected that you were jealous.

Jealous? Of a boob?

A man so dunderheaded he was duped by his own progeny? Hardly!

That's enough of that.

You can go.

Not until I get my apology.

Don't be absurd. What am I meant to be apologizing to you for?

I don't know.

Perhaps for hanging yourself around Anne's neck like an albatross.

For poisoning her against me.

You became an insufferable blowhard after you won the Nebula.

Disparaging me at every turn.

I did no--

You told Anne I was a fecund literary slut.

That was taken out of context. But I also stand by it.

You did everything you could to turn her against me!

Was I the one who gave you a face like a fucked ass?

I presumed that was your mother!

You son of a bitch!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

You've got some nerve coming here.

As do you, churning out 19 installments of that Hammerfall dross

while married to one of the great writers of our age.

Anne loved The Hammerfall Cycle.

-She called them vibrant and electrifying. -"Electrifying."

Yes, I've seen the dust jacket note.

It's the same one on every book.

I guess I held up the standard.

Is that the holdup on book 20?

Can't find anyone to read the damn thing?

Never wrote the damn thing.

When I lost Anne, I lost my muse.

Oh, please. Don't blame her for your undercooked literary miscarriages.

What glowing quotes grace the covers of your books these days?

I'll have you know Harper's called my last book

"unbridled space smut."

What happened to you, dear boy?

You began with such promise.

Tears was...

a triumph.

You couldn't finish the trilogy. Why?

I'm writing it.

Not that you'd know it, dear boy, but good writing takes time.

And what does 42 years of drinking and whoring around take?

I won a Nebula Award.

You can write 10,000 books and never accomplish that.

Whereas I could never write another word for as long as I live,

but I would still have hard proof

my very first book was a stroke of genius.

But the sequel...

it didn't quite stand up, did it?

It's a bit limp.

Who does he think he is? Tw-- Myself? Not a chance.

That was intense. Are you ready to get out of here, Grandpa?

No. No, no, no. I'm not leaving yet. I'm gonna fuck his wife.

I know. Figuratively.