Snake Creek

Guys, can you stop shaking the car.

I can't read.

It's 'cause you ain't drinking Billy boy.

Come on.

You gotta keep up with us this weekend, bud.

Nobody can keep up with you, Patrick.

I don't know where we are anymore.

We've just gotta follow the river.

It's literally right there.

Hey Patrick.

Jesus.

So, what if we get a little lost.

We're exploring the wilderness.

Relax.

Hey, up front, Kevin.

There it is.

Kevin, I'm quite positive our designated driver

has had enough.

If somebody sees you drinking out here, Patrick,

our trip's gonna be cut real short.

James, I can drink eight cans of this

and drive home completely sober.

You terrify me, Patrick, you know that.

Ah, nobody gives a crap out here.

We got these back roads all to ourselves.

Yeah, but he's gonna finish your supply

before the weekend even begins.

I told y'all this is gonna be a crazy trip.

I've needed time with you boys all year.

Can we go pass the store before we reach the river?

Way out here?

I forgot to pack the propane.

Ah, there'll be something.

Dad used to take me out here.

It's a lesser traveled part of the woods so,

I'm hoping we'll be the only one this far down.

Awesome.

Better hope it hasn't changed in all these years.

Could be swarming with tourists by now.

Ah, places out here stay the same for decades.

It'll be worth the journey, trust me.

Come on, we're out in the wilderness baby.

Woo.

Yeah.

You think it's open?

It's worth a shot.

You coming, James?

We'll just be a second, James, just wait.

Hello, anybody here?

Someone's gotta be here.

Door's open.

Y'all lost through something?

Shit.

Y'all open?

Six days a week.

Mondays is for killing.

Gators.

Ah, you boys on vacation?

Sure are.

Well, I didn't think you boys was up here chasing pussy.

Ain't no canoe round this far up Chattahoochee,

business done dried up.

We already got ours from BRL.

Oh.

Huh.

Nature lovers, huh.

I like to consider myself somewhat of a wilderness expert.

Is that so?

Well in that case, alls you need to know

is the rivers that way and everything in it's

out to kill your sorry asses.

Nothing we can't handle.

You think it's too dangerous?

Oh, I reckon.

First thing you need to know is that river's cursed

by an ancient red skin tribe.

People drowned out there every damn day.

You got your snapping turtles, they'll take off your finger

or any other free dangling appendage.

You got your necrotizing fasciitis.

That's a flesh eating disease.

Then you got your water moccasins, your rattlesnakes

and other sort of disagreeable wildlife.

Snakes?

Oh, biggest you ever seen?

Best y'all get on down to Delmar Creek.

That'll avoid y'all all that nasty business.

Could you show us on the map, please?

Sure.

Always happy to help a paying customer.

Where'd you get all this stuff?

Oh, people drop this shit all over.

We just gather it up.

All sorts of people out on this river.

Is this circus around here?

Used to be, years ago.

That there,

that's my Grand Pappy Clovis.

He used to travel 48 states with a legendary 29-footer.

A 29 foot snake?

Hey, I told you we had 'em big here.

Scales bigger than silver dollar.

We've never had snakes that big in Georgia.

Or anywhere outside of the Amazon.

They got anaconda in the Florida Everglades, don't they?

Anything's possible.

Don't know the exact species where it comes from.

Tennessee Wildlife Park closed in 1952.

But I do know I wouldn't go out on that river

without protection.

Hand forged Damascus steel.

How much?

Hard to put a price on a beautiful antique like that.

Bill, leave the knife.

We don't need it.

You're interrupting the business transaction, son.

No sale.

I wasn't selling to you, boy.

Listen here, sweet cheeks,

my friends and I weren't born yesterday.

You all can die tomorrow, for all the fucks I give.

All right, let's break it up.

Patrick, the guys just trying to do his job.

I think y'all better pay and vacate.

I'll get it.

Anyone out on that river's gambling with their lives

and the house of Chattahoochee always wins.

Bet that old butt hole gets less customers

than he has teeth.

Inbred.

Come on, before he follows us out here with more bullshit.

Oh she's gonna smell you a mile off.

Oh yes.

Oh, she's gonna feed tonight.

Oh God.

This is it.

Is your car gonna be okay here?

Who's gonna give us a ticket, Bill, the snapping turtles?

I'll just catch a ride back when we're done.

What if Timmy Two Teeth follows us out here

and slashes your tires?

Don't worry about that old fart,

he ain't gonna mess with us.

Come on, let's get these canoes down

and get 'em in the water, huh.

Oh man.

How long has it been since we camped out?

Was it Cookville?

Two summers already.

Why did we let it go so long?

Gee, yeah, why?

Fuck off, Bill.

Took Martha out to Greer Island last spring.

Oh yeah?

How romantic.

Make love under the stars?

You kidding me?

The woman sleeps like a yak.

Could you make love to a yak?

I guess not.

Didn't mind you coming out with us this time?

Oh, she's mad as hell.

When I get back, she won't drive it for weeks.

Screw it.

My time with you boys is the best part of my year.

She'll just have to deal with it.

What about you Bill?

Still never found yourself any poon tang?

I'll have you know, I have a very active love life.

It's just a private thing for me.

Is that very active in your right hand or left hand, Bill?

I don't know.

Bill strikes me more of a two fingers

and a thumb kind of guy.

I'm not gonna go spilling all the gory details

just for your entertainment.

So fuck off.

Just 'cause he doesn't wanna share with you guys

doesn't mean it isn't true.

Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.

Bill doesn't have to prove himself to nobody.

What the hell's that for?

Just a precaution, bud.

It doesn't hurt to have it.

You know what these mountain men would do

if they saw that pretty little face

and that tight little ass.

Coming down.

All right, you ride with me Bill?

Why do I have to ride with He man?

You wanna row for 20 goddamn miles

with all this raw muscle power?

No.

No, you go ahead.

That's what I thought.

Oh.

Sorry Bill, did I get you?

Jesus, I'm sweating.

What the hell is that, paint thinner?

Tequila, baby.