Archer

And so here's what I propose:

We finish these, get some roadies, head back to my huge penthouse...

...drink chilled champagne served by my valet...

Isn't it pronounced "valet"?

Only if he's parking your car.

Then we slip into my new hot tub and see where the evening takes us.

Well, I have to wait until my friend comes back from the powder room.

Obviously we're gonna wait for her. She's the hot one.

Pig!

Uh, I'm sorry, is something funny?

Just that last part, where she slapped you.

Yeah? You like physical humor?

Depends on the situation. Ow.

You okay? No, I'm not 0—— Oh, my God.

You're Burt Reynolds. Yes, I am.

And if I let you up, are you gonna do anything stupid?

No, no, I'm not.

Hi, Sterling Archer. Sterling Archer?

Yeah, you heard of me? Right? Well, just from your...

Press clippings. Hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.

Calling yourself that can't help. Hang on, true story. Operation C.I.A.?

That movie's basically why I became a secret agent in the first place.

Really? Yes.

That movie was just god-awful.

What's awful is I almost punched you. Heh, heh. No, you didn't.

I've seen all your other movies like five times.

Sam Whiskey, Navajo Joe, Fuzz, Hooper, Shamus, Shark, The Longest Yard...

...Deliverance, the Smokeys, White Lightning, obviously Gator.

Oh, I even saw At Long Last Love.

Yeah, yeah. Well... I thought you were great.

Really? I mean...

Well, I wanted to. Me too.

Listen, I kind of have a date.

No, no, no, Mr. Reynolds, wait.

Sorry. Let me buy you a drink. I wanna tell you my idea for a Gator sequel.

Gator was a sequel. I know.

And this will be the final chapter in the McKlusky trilogy.

Trilogy? Huh. Yeah, with twice as many airboats as Gator.

Twice as many would be none. What? Gator had...

Speedboats, not airboats.

Really? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. I directed it.

Okay, but this one has airboats, and they're central to the plot.

It sounds great, kid, but like I said, I kind of have a date...

I get it. You gonna take her upstairs and give her The Longest Yard?

- Uh, heh... - Yoo-hoo!

Mother? What are you doing here?

What are you doing here? I'm kicking it with...

Burt? Oh, no. No. Yeah. Yeah.

Remember how I said I kind of have a date? Oh...

It's kind of with your mom. Oh, Burt Reynolds.

I hope that's not gonna be a problem.

Oh, please!

Burt Reynolds didn't give you a black eye, the floor did.

When you fainted like a schoolgirl.

It was an involuntary reaction, Mother...

...to seeing you all tarted up to meet my hero in a hotel bar for sex.

Oh, for... We were meeting for drinks. I mean, obviously sex was implied, but...

Ugh! And since when is he your hero?

Since always!

Eastbound and down

I thought that was Richard Petty. Which doesn't even merit a response.

And you cannot date Burt Reynolds. Can, am, and will continue to do so.

I'm serious, I will do something drastic.

You will not. Mainly because you've got bigger things to worry about.

I'll be the judge of... A Cuban hit squad is in New York to kill me?

Apparently. This intel's a week old.

Why are you just telling me about it now? Because.

Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick...

Hello? Sterling, dear, it's me. There's...

Voicemail. You know What to do. Oh, for God's sake.

Hello? Oh, man. Hold on. Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.

Hold on, hold on! Hang on. Pick up, Sterling.

I got it.

Sterling? Don't hang up!

Hello? Sterling, it's...

Elaborate voicemail hoax.

Leave it.

And then I just forgot about it, because that same night, I met...

Burt Reynolds is on line one!

Oh... For you, for some reason.

Burt, dear, what a lovely surprise.

I'm sitting here with just a mustache and memories of last night.

Oh, Burt. Ugh!

Also a blanket. The AC in my room's stuck on freeze.

Deliverance, Gator, and this is him in Cosmo.

How totally hot is he?!

I swear to God, you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.

I mean, not that you would, but...

- Hey! - Shut up!

You're not my supervisor!

Wait, who is my supervisor?

Carol! Oh, right.

Go get my gray fox out of cold storage.

Burt Reynolds is taking me to a movie premiere tonight, 30...

Help me, God, if you throw that computer on the floor again...

...you'll wake up in a mental ward with total amnesia under someone else's name!

That's actually kind of scary. Eh.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Archer, hey, about this expense report... Not now, Cyril.

Mother is ruining what remains of my life before a Cuban hit squad assassinates me, 50...

Yeah, laugh it up, Lana. I am.

You almost got shot in the face.

Get off. You get off.

Cyril, I'm pretty tense right now.

Because of the Cubans or because Burt Reynolds is doing your mom?

Yeah, laugh it up. I am.

Cyril... Burt Reynolds is actually banging...

Ow! Unh. Archer!

You broke my freaking nose! What's that?

Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of "I broke your nose."

Bullying Cyril isn't gonna make Burt Reynolds stop shtupping your mom.

He's not doing that!

But even if he is, which he is... No, he isn't!

...This Cuban hit squad is no joke. If I were you, I'd lay low in the safe house...

...for a few days until we work out a plan to neutralize them.

Oh. Yeah, okay. The safe house.

I'm sorry, your words made sense, but your sarcastic tone did not.

Because there are no Cubans.

Mother just wants me out of the way...

...so she can do unspeakable things with Burt Reynolds.

80 nice try, idiot.

I love it that I'm the idiot.

So unless the building is literally on fire, none of you are to call me.

Because, as I may have mentioned... Fifty times.

...Tonight I will be attending a movie premiere with Burt Reynolds.

Oh, my God, that totally reminds me. This came for you. From him.

And you opened it?

That's how I knew it was from him. Give me that.

"Dear Malory, it's been..."

"Dear Malory, it's been real, but I'm dumping you for a young starlet...

...and heading back to Tinseltown.

Do not contact me. Regards, Burt Reynolds."

"Regards"? They weren't even warmest!

Wait a minute. Who calls it Tinseltown? Carol Channing?

Or somebody who just thinks that's what movie stars call Hollywood.

Stockard Charming.

Archer. His mother, dating his man-crush?

I bet Archer kidnapped him. How?

Archer goes to Burt's hotel room.

Archer? Burt.

- Knocks him out... - Archer knocks out Burt Reynolds?

With gas. Oh, shit.

And then hides him somewhere, like an idiot kid hiding a lamp he broke.

- You really think he'd do that? - Yes, really.

I'm serious. If you ever go near my mother again...

...I will do something really bad.

Then you should probably just get it over with.

Don't worry, I... Wait, what?

Because if you don't kill me and I get loose...

...you're gonna wish you were in hell with your back broke.

I don't have a response to that.

They never do.

It's my own fault. I should've known.

They tell you they love you and then they just cast you aside...

...when some young starlet catches their eye with her perky little boobs!

Mm. I bet they were perky and big. Jeez...! Ow!

Why are you torturing her like that?

Why are you asking rhetorical questions?

Aw. That's actually kind of sad. All right, here's the plan.

I say we go rescue Burt Reynolds, and as a bonus...

...beat some sense into Archer's head and ass.

Yeah! Right in the head and ass.

So, Pam, Carol, stay here with Malory. Everybody else, let's go to Archer's.

He's got a Cuban hit squad after him. Why wouldn't he go to the safe house?

A, because he thinks they're imaginary, and B, the safe house doesn't have a...

New hot tub! Fifty jets, hand-hewn California redwood, no big deal.

The California redwood is endangered.

So? I already got my tub.

Woodhouse, Burt Reynolds. Burt, Woodhouse.

Loved you in Gone with the Wind.

Not him. Shut up, get him a drink.

What's your poison?

Pimm's Cup. Odd choice.

Well, the whole thing's pretty odd.

What's odd is you wanting to date my mother.

Why is that odd? Because you're you, and she's...

Beautiful, smart, funny, successful. Mm. Like, one of those, tops.

Not to mention drop-dead sexy. Oh, dear God, yes.

Woodhouse! I shall fetch a cucumber.

You have to not date my mother. Can't do it.

Can't or——? Won't, whatever. Pick one.

Then here's what's gonna happen. You'll drink your Pimm's Cup...

Which is exciting. Never had one. Mm-hm. Then I'm gonna knock you out.

You'll wake up in a mental hospital with total amnesia, under someone else's name.

Now that's an idea for a movie. Yeah, I think it already was.

I wasn't in it. Maybe not...

Fade in: a mental ward. White walls, white sheets...

...nurses in crisp white uniforms...

...broken men shuffle like zombies.