Malcolm in the Middle

What - ?! Those kids!

Not my Frampton Comes Alive...!

"Honest, Dad, we didn't even know you had a watch!"

Thank God they paved the drive last year!

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question?

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# Life is unfair #

'Jury duty? They want me to do jury duty?!'

I can't believe this! You can't do it.

Spring break is coming up. The boys are gonna be out of school.

I can't handle them by myself! You're gonna have to tell them no!

That's not one of the options, Hal. What are they thinking? Jury duty?!

This is America! I don't have a choice!

Oh, yes, you do.

You wanna get out of jury duty?

You just let me handle this.

We, the jury, promise to faithfully uphold...

This'll be great! I've never been ice-fishing before.

It combines my two favourite things,... ice and holes!

A bunch of guys roughing it! A true test of courage and determination!

Man against the elements! No crust on mine, thank you.

I hope you packed enough toilet paper for four!

You're kidding! How'd you get Piama's permission?

I don't need my wife's permission! I picked a fight. She kicked me out.

Oh, my God, Dewey, you are not gonna believe what just happened!

We were supposed to go exploring in the sewer!

I waited two hours for you! You're not listening. This is incredible!

You promised that when spring break started, you would take me!

I did all your chores, all your homework,

I took your antibiotics - Dewey, just shut up!

We're trying to tell you something important.

We just saw Stevie's mom... naked! And she's a total babe.

We were at Stevie's getting stuff for the sewer

when we hear something behind us. We turn around

and there she was, in the hallway,... naked!

Buck naked, except for her shower cap.

First she was screaming, then Stevie was, then I was...

Yeah. Why'd I do that? Then she tore the curtains down to cover up!

But you could see through them. I'm so glad they just remodelled.

That is not a good reason! Mom walks around here naked all the time!

She was naked this morning. She -

If you've just combined those two things in my head, I will kill you!

No, we're good. So, she was -

I got to get going. Where are the boys?

At the library. I know. But if they were doing something really bad,

they'd have come up with a better lie.

So,... deliberations start today. Nervous?

Nice try. You know I can't talk about it. OK!

Is the counselman as tall as he looks on TV? Hal!

Yes! Your eyebrow went up! It did not.

It's the Panty Bandit, isn't it?

This isn't right! We're married. We tell each other everything.

We've never kept secrets from each other in our entire relationship.

I keep secrets from you all the time.

Oh, fine(!) Go! I won't keep you from your...

..big, secret trial!

Thank you very much! (CHORTLES)

For what? Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

You didn't say a word.

This sucks! We been here 15 hours. We haven't caught a single fish.

How much longer will this take? You never know.

I been ice-fishing my entire life, never even seen a fish.

I'm with Francis. I got bored on the drive here!

Can we at least talk? About what?

We could use this opportunity to get to know each other better.

You know, one time I walked in on my two dads making love!

Guilty.

Not guilty.

And... guilty. That's seven guilty and five not guilty.

The contention, for those of you who don't think Marty stole the bike -

If it'll get us out of here earlier, I'll change my vote. What?!

I don't feel that strongly either way. Yeah, me, too!

Which side was winning again? This is not a question of winning,

or of voting to get out of here early!

We have to have some basis for deciding. There was a trial!

And evidence, and laws... Yeah-yeah-yeah.

Let's vote one more time before we get into all that detail.

We might just get lucky. Who wants to change their votes?

Whatever! There you go! It's unanimous.

Hey, wait! What do you think you're doing?!

You can't send a 17-year-old kid to jail

just cos you wanna go home early. For God's sake, we took an oath!

Did you vote guilty? Yes, because -

Then, there's no problem. We're all just agreeing.

Fine(!)

Then, I vote not guilty.

This is cool! There's no alligators down here, right? That's made up?

But if there were, they'd probably be blind, or albino,

or transparent!... But that's not real.

This is so cool!

He hasn't shut up all morning.

I was just as excited the first time Francis took us. It's kinda cute.

Did you get the snake? Right here.

They'll hear him screaming in Russia.

Dude, finish the story! She was standing there, buck naked!

I went like this. (GASPS) Malcolm was like this. (GASPS)

It was incredible! The sun was behind her. She was glowing.

A naked,... glowing... angel!

Stevie, back me up on this. That's what she looked like, right?

Can we go now? I get to lead! No, rear.

No, wait. Front! I'll scout ahead!

What? You are talking about his mom.

Change the subject. Show some class. OK, I get it.

Whoo, Stevie! Is that you or the sewer?!

It turns out it wasn't a boil they removed

but the vestiges of my unborn twin!

OK, let's just go. Yeah! Good idea!

Best idea I've heard all day!

OK, here's something interesting. There's a gigantic bear out there!

Don't worry. It's part of living in Alaska.

How far away is it?

Well, answer the question!

It's open!

I thought we were having lunch today.

Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. What's all this?

My research on the trial Lois got assigned to.

Oh, my God! Reyes?! Did she talk about the four-fingered magician?

Was he any good? She won't tell me anything.

I dug this up on my own. Information is being suppressed from the jury.

Lois will have to find Moynihan guilty. Why not? He did it.

You're a fool! Everyone knows the wife killed him.

What? She loved him. Didn't you read the letter?

How come she didn't admit being married before?

She was underage and it was annulled.

It means nothing. The judge ruled it inadmissible.

The same judge that won't allow the cab driver to testify! Well,

if the wife did it, why did four witnesses say they saw a man

leave the crime scene?

Oh! A man...

..like this?! You just drew hair on!

If I could do it, she could!

She worked for two years at the Windmill Theatre.

Let me see that!

OK, here's our mark. When we came here with Francis,

this is the farthest we've ever gone. This is it?!

This is as far as you went?! Who would brag about this?

Mr Alligator? So, Stevie,

did your mom go to college? What?!

Did she get a degree? Was she in a sorority?

Wait a minute. Unless we thought some girl called Molly Hatchet ruled,

this isn't our mark. This has to be it!

We went right, right, straight, left, right, left, and right again.

No! We went right, left, left, then straight, left, right, straight!

No. We went...

..right,...

..left,...

..straight... Oh, man, we're lost!

What? No! Oh, man! What are we gonna do?!

Nice! We got him crying! No, we really are lost!

What? What do we do?! I knew you'd find some way to ruin this for me!

Even when you're trying to be nice, you make me miserable!

And now... I get to die in the sewer!

A perfect end to a crappy life! Shut up, Dewey!

Alright. Let's focus on finding a way out.

Stevie's mom must be worried by now.

Shut up... about... my mom!

What? I simply made a comment. You're... a perv!

I have a healthy interest in the opposite sex.

Well,... they don't... return... the favour!

What does that mean? Girls... hate you.

That's not true! Yes, it is.