Red Dwarf

- -Cat? - Mmm'?

- You ever see The Flintstones? - Sure.

Do you think Wilma's sexy?

Wilma Flintstone?

Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long,

but every time I see that show, her body drives me crazy. Is it me?

I think, in all probability,

Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.

That's good. I thought I was going strange.

She's incredible.

- What do you think of Betty? - Betty Rubble?

Well, I would go with Betty,

but I'd be thinking of Wilma.

This is crazy.

Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?

You're right. We're nuts.

This is an insane conversation.

She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.

Holly, clipboard and pen, please.

- Well, Krytie, today's the day. - But, sir, I'm just not ready.

I mean, six weeks, it's just not long enough.

- Ten-thirty. Name? - You know my name.

Look, if this comes off,

it'll be a whole new lease of life for both of us.

We'll be independent. We've got to do it by the book.

It's just when you go into official mode,

- my anxiety chip goes into overdrive. - Name?

I'll just put Kryten.

Can you see that space vehicle?

Where? Oh, that one. Yes, sir.

And can you read the registration for me, please?

Starbug 1?

Right, if you'd like to show me to your vehicle, please.

Right, in your own time, if you'd like to start the space vehicle,

proceed through the cargo bay doors and off into outer space.

Once through the doors, proceed directly to the nearest planet.

Once there, I want you to bring the vehicle to a halt,

and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit

remembering, of course, at all times to pay due care and attention

to any other space users.

Right, in your own time.

In your own time.

- I've failed, haven't I? - Just proceed.

You're going to hold it against me, aren't you? That one mistake.

Please.

Anti-grav, check.

Retro, check.

Boosters, check.

And, very gently, ease forward.

I think there's something wrong with the gearbox.

The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2.

I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 7.

- They're exactly the same. - Yes. That's the problem.

Next, I'd like you to transfer to autopilot

while we conduct the recognition...

...tests.

Engage autopilot.

A atop/lot engaged. Well, I say autopilot,

it's not really autopilot, is it? It's me.

It's muggins here who has to do it.

Right, what's that one?

Heavy traffic. Keep to your assigned space-lane.

- That one? - Danger. Space mirages ahead.

Stopping distances.

You're travelling half the speed of light.

What is the stopping distance?

Four years, three months.

- And the thinking time? - A fortnight.

- Space phenomena. What's that? - A pulsar.

- And that one? - A binary star.

- What's that one? - A time hole!

- Don't help him. - It's a time hole.

No, it isn't. It's nothing like a time hole.

- It's a time hole! - It is! It's a time hole!

A time hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space,

which legend would have us believe

transports us into another part of space and time.

Whereas that is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova.

That is a time hole.

Right, what's this?

I suppose you're going to fail me for this.

What is this place?

Holly, is it possible? Could this be Earth?

Certainly seems that way.

Constellations match. Gravity exactly one 6.

What's the time period?

Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly,

but, according to all the available data,

I would estimate it's round about lunchtime, maybe 730.

What period in history, Dingleberry-breath?

I mean, can we expect to see Genghis Khan

and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill?

Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure?

What is the year?

Well, I’d need some more data before I could give you a precise answer.

Like?

Well, this year's calendar would be handy.

I've never been to Earth before. I've only seen it on photographs.

It's exactly like I always imagined, only much shorter.

"Nodnol, 871 selim."

Nodnol? Where's Nodnol?

It's London. "London 178 miles." It's backwards.

Shh! A truck.

Ooh, it's probably gonna hit that box.

There's a perfectly rational explanation for all this.

Then again, possibly not.

Holly, what the smeg is going on?

Things are going backwards.

It's perfectly consistent with current theory.

Everything starts with a big bang, right?

And the universe starts expanding.

Eventually, when it's expanded as far as it can,

there's the big crunch, right, and everything starts contracting.

It's perfectly possible

that time starts running in the opposite direction, as well.

50, is this Earth?

Oh, it's Earth, all right. Only Earth where time's going backwards.

- What are you doing? - Well, you said look inconspicuous.

Don't be idiotic.

But if people see my face, what are they going to think?

Tell them you had an accident.

Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out.

- I got a newspaper. - What's the year? 3991?

No, it's 1993. It's backwards.

I'll switch to reverse mode.

"Three brought to life in bank raid. A masked man with a sawn-off shotgun

"sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard

"in a south London bank tomorrow.

"The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept £10,000,

"which he demanded they place in the bank's vaults.

"The man, Michael Ellis,

"completed a 15-year prison sentence for the crime two years ago."

- What does that say? - Oh, it's an advert.

"Roll-off deodorant.

"Keeps you... Keeps you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours."

What are we going to do? This place is totally crazy.

There's nothing we can do till the others find us.

We'd better get a job.

But what jobs are there in a backwards reality

for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?

Here's the jobs page. This looks interesting.

"Wanted. Managing director, ICI. Excellent demotion prospects.

"Right candidate could go straight to the bottom."

Something a bit more low-key.

"Busy London restaurant requires dish dirtier?"

- Anything else? - Ah, this looks interesting.

"Theatrical agent requires novelty acts."

- What do we do that's a novelty? - In this world, everything.

Three weeks we've been doing this.

Well, we'll do it till we find them.

We ain't gonna find them. They're gone, buddy.

But look on the bright side... They're gone, buddy!

Don't you care about anyone but yourself?

Hell, no. I don't even care about you.

The way I see it, if Goalpost-head and Freak-face

want to get themselves lost, that's their bag.

I don't see why it should cut into my preening time.

You realise with all this rescue stuff, I haven't permed my leg hairs in a week?

- I'm a wreck. - You perm your leg hairs?

Only as an aid to the natural curl.

Fasten your belt.

Hey, I do not need fashion tips from you.

Your safety belt! Look.

- Is that what I think it is? - What do you think it is?

An orange whirly thing in space.

It's a time hole. That's where they are.

- We're going in. - Are you crazy? You can't go in there!

- Why not? - Orange with this suit?

- Where are we? - I don't believe this.

According to the navi-com, this is Earth.

Engage cloak. I'm taking her down.

What'd you do that for?

Well, we don't want to freak the natives.

Hey!

What's the matter?

I don't know. I think me ribs are cracked and me back.

- Is my eye bruised? - Yeah, it is.

What's that?

It's a homing device. It'll find their flight recorder.

Yonder.

I'm home.