Jim Gaffigan: King Baby

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

I just do this for an hour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the worst show

I've ever seen.

I paid over $40.

After the service fee,

it was 90.

Convenience charge?

Convenient way to

rip us off.

He's like Pearl Jam.

He's picking on the man!

Hey, wait a minute.

He looks like the man.

He's kind of pudgy,

maybe he ate the man.

I don't even know what man

we're talking about.

I thought he'd be paler.

At least as pale as that CD

where he looks like

a pedophile.

Well, he was good

in "Capote."

How large is his head?

Is he storing another head

inside of there?

He could be a mascot.

He could be a mascot

for the Mormons.

I'm already sick

of this voice.

When's he gonna start

cracking it?

It is great to be here

in Austin.

Thank you for coming out.

Great to be here.

I've had so much fun here.

I have.

I went bowling.

I don't mean to brag.

Really, there are two types

of people that go bowling.

There are people that

really, really love bowling,

and then there are the people

that are like,

"Wouldn't it be hysterical

if we went bowling?"

'Cause for most of us,

bowling is the activity you do

after you've done

everything else.

It's like,

"Well, we could go bowling,

or we could just

hang ourselves."

"Why don't we go bowling?"

No one's ever jealous

when they hear you went bowling.

"Oh, you went bowling?

Glad I couldn't make it."

But bowling's great.

You got to love a sport

you can eat while you play it.

Never see that in tennis.

"Hey, before you serve,

let me dig into these nachos."

It's a different sport.

There's an ashtray built into

the bowling equipment.

Poker doesn't even have that.

And that hand dryer thing.

If you're sweating

while you're bowling,

you're out of shape.

And if you're out of shape

and you're bowling,

you're probably

a professional bowler.

There's nothing really healthy

about bowling.

It has to be

the germophobe's nightmare.

Here, put on these moist shoes

10,000 people wore

and stick your fingers

in these dirty holes.

Now you have the flu.

How dirty are those holes?

It's not like those balls

wear out.

They probably haven't

manufactured a bowling ball

in a thousand years.

Someone's out there using

Fred Flintstone's right now.

That is preposterous.

I don't own a bowling ball

'cause I'm not a weirdo.

Yeah, I want to volunteer

to carry around a 50-pound ball.

Can you put it

in a big, ugly purse?

That's how I want to meet

the ladies.

Oh, couldn't help but notice you

staring at my purse.

It's filled

with a big, blue ball.

Mind if I follow you

around the parking lot?

I'll just be humming.

That's the worst song ever.

I always have to pick out

my bowling ball.

I can never find the right one.

I'm like,

"This one's too heavy.

"Oh, this one's good,

but it's pink,

and my fingers don't fit."

How do they decide

on those finger sizes?

They're either

for a 5-year-old girl

or the Incredible Hulk.

How big are

some people's fingers?

Some guy wearing a catcher's

mitt, "Yeah, it's good.

I can still catch the game.

Don't worry about it."

Those bowling shoes,

no update there.

"You need

our special shoes

before you can roll

our magic ball."

Some people have

their own bowling ball

and their own bowling shoes

and no friends.

That's mean.

I can say that

'cause I like bowling.

I watch bowling on TV

'cause I use my time wisely.

I saw this college team

championship.

Each team had

their own coach.

What kind of strategy advice

is a bowling coach giving?

"You know what?

"This time, Timmy,

I want you to knock down

all the pins."

"You sure?"

"Trust me.

Just do it, son!"

It's weird.

Bowling seems silly, but we all

take it very seriously, right?

Until we get that first

gutter ball.

We're like, "Let me show you

how it's done.

This is a stupid sport."

There's few moments in life as

humiliating as that gutter ball.

The worst part is then

you have to make that turn back

to your friends.

That ball's broken.

It's tilted down there.

You never want to be

the worst bowler of the group,

'cause then everyone treats you

like you have cancer.

"You can do it.

We're praying for you."

The advice starts--

"Use a heavier ball.

Keep your arm straight.

You should get a vasectomy."