Lovesick

We all go a little crazy when we fall in love.

It's nothing new. Take this hunter.

He finds a shiny rock and figures

he'll give it to his girlfriend.

The next day he's leaving for a lion hunt,

and in his excitement, he drops the rock on his way out.

The girlfriend finds it and she's all like,

"who is this for? Zog doesn't like shiny rocks.

"Wait. That girl uba likes shiny rocks,

"and zog was totally asking about her the other day

"when we were skinning that goat.

"Uba. I can't believe it!

That stupid whore," blah, blah, blah.

You see where it goes from there.

It's no different today.

It doesn't matter who you are, nobody's safe.

You get a text message from a significant other with

one exclamation point when you expected

three exclamation points, and the next thing you know

you're right off the cliff,

descending fast into crazy valley.

But then after the misunderstanding

is cleared up, you bounce back.

You realize you were just acting silly,

and you get back to being in love.

But there are some people who are different.

The truly lovesick get it much worse.

No!

For evidence I submit my best friend, Charlie darby.

Here he is a few months ago,

before he was diagnosed a psychotic.

Back then he just thought he was unlucky with women,

and stupid me, I believed him.

Looking back on it, I guess it does seem a little farfetched

that Hannah Cartwright, his eighth-grade girlfriend

gave him this, and then left him the next day

for the kid from "happy days."

There was Michelle from grad school:

"The only thing I love more than coffee is you."

According to Charlie, she forgot to mention

half the English faculty at San Francisco state.

Which brings us to jacinda.

Turned out not only was she married,

but her husband was in prison in Sydney.

Bas Anderson. String of armed robberies.

Okay, I'm sure I seem like a moron

for not picking up on any of his lunacy a little sooner.

At the time, I really did just believe him.

Why wouldn't I? He's my best friend.

He's the principal of my school.

He's the godfather to my beautiful daughter.

But if there's one thing I've learned,

it's that all those things can be true about a guy

and he can still be completely and utterly

out of his mind.

You got any idea what this stuff is worth?

You can't put a value on it. My heart is in this box.

So, what... Like around $40?

Thank you for your donation.

What do you say?

Thank you, Uncle Charlie. I love it.

Isn't that ironic?

I used to love the person who gave that to me.

What's a mate?

A mate is someone who says they love you,

but they really have a boyfriend in prison.

Honey, why don't you go put that with your other stuffed animals?

I'm trying to help her.

Charlie, that's a little heavy for a five-year-old.

It's never too early to start learning about

the dangers of love.

So, if jacinda's boyfriend makes parole,

I may need to live with you guys for a while.

From now on, why don't you let us pick out the women you date?

It'd be impossible to do any worse.

Thanks for the offer, but I am retiring from

that aspect of my life effective immediately.

I got rid of every remembrance of every woman

who ever broke my heart, and I am now officially done.

Hey, I thought you had a date meeting us at the wedding.

Well, I didn't say I'm not gonna date.

I'm just not gonna let myself fall in love

in the near future,

or the distant future. The future.

How do you date and not fall in love?

You just date the kind of people

you can never fall in love with.

Hey. Hey, bin laden.

Bring me some more grape.

I don't appreciate that. Yeah?

And I don't appreciate you people hiding bombs

in your underwear.

I think that trout had a load in its belly.

I'm gonna induce vomiting.

I don't know why you won't call my friend sue.

Is it because she has class?

I told you, I am not interested.

This is exactly why I brought a date,

so I wouldn't have people fixing me up all night.

You didn't even accomplish that.

All you did was put the busboys in danger.

And the bridesmaids. I think one lost a tooth

during the bouquet thing.

She really wanted it. She's looking for love.

Maybe she should try the zoo.

Okay, look. Enough.

Obviously I didn't know enough about her.

Will you lay off, Roberta? Huh?

Come on. She marches to her own beat.

Pardon me.

Yeah, fuck this clambake.

I don't need you. I already got a cock.

Today's announcements have been

coming to you from Rotterdam.

See you next Tuesday when the good ship Lincoln elementary

lands in the biggest port in South America!

In the meantime, greetings from Rotterdam.

Come on, you can do this.

So, what are you doing tonight?

Do you want to, uh, want to grab a beer?

Can't do it. Got me a little date night.

So, just the two of you?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Ahoy.

Molly Kingston? I met you at the hotel yesterday?

Right. "Love shack."

So this probably requires some explanation.

Hey, um, you don't

happen to know the words to "love shack," do you?

Actually, I do.

Sorry. Still confusing. Let's go back a little further.

Okay...

Great.

So, after Charlie dropped off Roberta,

he headed back into the elks lodge

past the wedding reception, past a retirement party,

past a bar mitzvah, and straight to the bar

where he promptly met Molly Kingston.

Can I get a big glass of whiskey?

Lead singer of totally awesome,

Southern California's tenth best '80s cover band.

Turns out it was not her finest hour either,

and she let him know it.

That bar mitzvah boy told me I sucked.

But you know what? He sucks, okay?

I don't care if he became a man today, he sucks.

If you hate your job so much,

maybe you should do something else.

I just have to make it through today.

And then I'm going to do something with more dignity,

like strip.

We're back in two minutes.

I gotta run. Molly Kingston.

Charlie darby.

Are you the Charlie darby who's the principal at Lincoln?

I am, yeah. Do we have one of yours?

My nephew, Timmy Clark.

Ah. I love Timmy. He's a great kid.

He worships you.

Hey, um, you don't

happen to know the words to "love shack," do you?

Actually, I do.

Uh...

So with that little connection,

that brings us back to...

Right. "Love shack."

So, I took your advice and I'm looking for a job.

Ah. I hope this isn't too forward, but,

I-I was wondering if I can give you my resume?

Sure. No problem.

Did you just get your credential?

Actually, you know, I don't have my credential yet,

but I have my-my substitute certification.

Oh, well, the subs are hired at the district level.

We have nothing to do with that at the individual schools.

But, we are happy to pass it on for you.

Thank you.

So, uh, I guess I'd better run.

It was nice to see you, captain.

What's wrong with you? She's giving you her resume

because she wants you to call her.

I told you, I have no interest in a woman that I...

Might actually be interested in.

Would you think about it?

Well educated. Diverse interests.

Nancy Reagan award for community service.

She sounds awful.

Hey, good luck.

See you tomorrow.

All right.

Indistinct)

The key is just for emergencies.

What you're doing is breaking and entering.

What am I supposed to do?

Every time I knock, you don't answer.

Have you seen "when Harry ate Sally"?

Somehow I missed that one.

Well, let's watch it then.

It answers the age-old question,