Dirty Sexy Money

My Father Worked As A Lawyer

For The Richest Family In New York

Until His Plane Went Down In Long Island Sound.

He Left Me His Biggest Client, The Darlings...

Tripp And Leticia... Which Of Our Children Isn't Mine?

I'll Tell You, But You've Got To Promise Me Nothing Will Change.

Brian, The Man Of God... I Lied To My Wife And Daughters Last Night.

I Told Them That You Were An Orphan.

Do You Really Believe His Name Is Gustav?

Patrick, The Principled Politician,

Karen, The Professional Divorce..

Nick Proposed To You? When We Were 19. Why Didn't You Tell Her?

Nick Is My Past. You're My Future, Okay?

And Jeremy And Juliet, The Well-Behaved Twins.

That's Your Girlfriend?!

She Was My Best Friend In The Whole World,

And I Hate Her Guts. I'm Pregnant.

I Think My Father Was Working For Someone Called "C."

You Think Simon Elder Blew Up Your Father's Plane?

As Nirgol Geoe?

Yeah.

Simon Elder.

Want To Go For A Ride?

Yeah, Sure.

So, Nick,

The Police Contacted Me, On Your Behalf, In A Sense.

I Assume That's What You Wanted Them To Do

Given The Materials You Found In Your Dad's Briefcase, Right?

But You Are Simon Elder, One Ofhe World's Richest Men.

I Didn't Think They'd Actually Get You On The Phon

No. They, Uh, They Came To My Office.

Detective Larrabee, I Believe.

But Listen, I'd Have Done The Same Thing

If I Were In Your Position, Nick.

No Hard Feelings. So Did You Know My Father?

Sure, I... Listen, Everybody Knew Dutch.

To Get Anything Done In New York City, You Had To.

Well, I Guess I'm Asking If You Knew Him Better Than That.

If You Did Some Sort Of Business With Him? Because...

You Know, I've Been... I've Been Following Your Career

From A Distance For Many Years Now.

Yeah?

Yeah. And I've Always Felt That... That We're Cut

From The Same Cloth, You And Me. In What Way, Exactly?

Well, We're Both Trying To Take The Advantages

We've Been Given In Life

And Share Them With Those Who Are Less Fortunate.

That Sound Like You? Yeah, On A Good Day.

Sounds Like Me, Too, On A Good Day.

Dryton, Stop The Car, Please.

Listen, Nick, I Would Love To Talk To You

About Your Dad And The Darlings,

But I Gotta Catch A Flight Right Now To Haiti.

We're Giving Away

10,000 Free Laptops To Schoolkids Down There,

And Installing Free Wireless All Over Port-Au-Prince.

Totally Your Kind Of Thing. So If We Can Do Dinner,

I Know This Great Little Russian Restaurant In Brooklyn.

If This Sounds Interesting To You,

Have Your Secretary Set It Up.

No Pressure.

Okay.

A Church Ceremony Is Out.

But, Brian, You Promised Me You Would At Least Try.

I Did.

But... For Some Reason, The Bishop Felt That

Using The Chapel For Your Fourth Marriage

Would Just Be A Little Bit Insulting

To The Rest Of The Marrying Public.

Okay, Fine. We'll Have The Ceremony Here.

So Are We Done? 'Cause I Have To Get Home

To My Wife And Kids For Dinner.

Oh, And That Cute Little Orphan Boy, Too.

Yeah, Oh, Baby, I Been Thinking About My Bachelor Party,

Maybe Taking The Plane To Cuba With The Guys.

You In? Yeah, I'm In.

Really? My Minister Brother Is Gonna Go To A Bachelor Party?

Really? No, Not Really.

Sweetie, I Don't Think... I Don't Think Daddy

Wants You To Take The Plane Again.

Jet Fuel Doesn't Grow On Trees.

Karen, You Just Took The Plane

To Los Angeles Last Week For Sushi.

Right. It's Just, I-I Think Daddy Doesn't Want...

Some People To Take The Plane Again...

This Month. But, Baby, Gotta Have A Bachelor Party.

It's Tradition.

You Know What, Sweetie? Hmm?

I'm Gonna Take Care Of This.

Well, Today's Bible Children's Story

Is...

Ah, There It Is.

"Kindness."

No, That's Not The Reading For Tonight.

It Is. It Says So Right Here.

No. See, That's... For Tomorrow Night.

Well, Mommy's Been Reading Ahead.

Read Tonight's, Brian, Otherwise Everything Gets Off.

Okay, I'll Read Tonight's.

"Honesty.

"Of All The Sins That Hurt God's Feelings,

"Lying Is The Worst Of All.

"In Big Ways And Small Ways,

"Lying Eats Away At The Heart God Gave Us

"And Leaves Us Empty And Sad.

"If We're Going To Be Happy And Go To Heaven,

We Have To Tell The Truth."

Well, I Don't Think

We Have To Tell The Truth All The Time.

I Think There Are Importt Exceptions.

But... I... These... These Are Good Thoughts.

These Are Definitely Good Thoughts.

So You Think Simon's Lying?

He Said He Didn't Know My Dad Very Well,

But I Think He Did.

I Think He Was "C."

From Your Dad's Planner, All Those Mystery Appointments?

Yeah. What Makes You Think So?

His License Plate. It's Just The Letter "C."

Seemed Kind Of Like A Fit. Why Would He Withhold That From You?

I Don't Know, But I'm Gonna Try And Find Out.

I'm Having Dinner With Him Later This Week. Thank You.

You're Welcome. Hey, What Happened To That Painting Above The Fireplace?

It Was On Loan From The Gallery, And It Sold.

You Gonna Replace It With Something? I Don't Know.

I Thought I'd Take A Walk Through Chelsea Tomorrow.

See If Anything Leaps Out At Me. All Right, Go For It.

Sounds More Fun Than What I'll Be Doing Tomorrow. What Are You Doing Tomorrow?

Mm, Lisa, It's Just Another Day Of Me Implementing

My Immense Knowledge Of American Jurisprudence

Instead Of Doing My Charitable Work. Meaning?

I'm Settling A Dispute Between The Twins

About Who Can And Can't Come To Their 25th Birthday Party. Natalie Kimpton.

Natalie Kimpton.

She's Not Coming To Our Party.

H-Have You Even Read The Bill Of Rights Lately?

The First Amendment Clearly States "Free Assembly."

That Means I Get To Invite Whoever I Want, Right?

She Betrayed Me And Stole My Twin Brother. No! Dude.

Look, Juliet, Your Birthday Party

Is The Premier Event Of The Season. I Am Aware Of That.

And There Are Already Over 700 People On The Guest List.

You May Not Even See Her. Yeah, But She'll Be There, Like A Bomb,

A Stink Bomb Waiting To Go Off. U Know What?

Radically Fed Up With Your Crap About This. Yeah? Well, Get In Line.

It's My Party. Na. Lie' Ming Uh...

Fine, Then I'll Have My Own Party. Fine, I'll Have

I Get The House. Uh...

You Take It. You... You... You Take The House.

I'll... I'll Find Someplace Cooler,

And No One Will Come To Your Party. No One Will Come

You Know What? This Could Work Out.

I'll Split The Million-Dollar Budget... Whoa, Whoa, Are You Crazy?

We Can't Split The Money.

I Can't Throw A Party For 500 Grand. Neither Can I,

Nick, It's Economies Of Scale. Do You Even Know

No, But You Know What I Think I Mean,

And That's What Matters. We Need $2 Million. We Need $2 Million.

$2 Million? My God. For Parties.

Reckless Endangerment.

They're Just Kids Having Fun.

Those Kids Are About To Inherit

$25 Million Apiece, And They Know It.

I Mean, Call Me Crazy, But That Makes Me Expect

A Little Restraint On Their Part. $25 Million?

It's From My Father. It's A Trust.

It's To Give Them A Start In Life.

It's Their First Checkbook.

Patrick Bought A Summer House Up In Maine.

Karen Invested Hers.

I Mean, Smart Kids.

Brian Traveled The World For Three Years.

But These Two...

What Can I Say?

They Are Different.

So... What Do You Want Me To Do?

What Is Your Opinion?

Well, I Think That $2 Million

Is An Awful Lot To Spend On Birthday Parties.

Exactly.

That Said... It's Your Call.

Honestly, Nick, These Aren't The Sorts Of Decisions

That Tripp And I Are Accustomed To Making Together.

This Was... Well, This Was Always Dutch's Purview.

He Knew When To Let Kids Run Wild.

He... He Let Life Be Life.

That Is Foolishness.

But, You Know... Do What You Want.

Okay. I'll Take Care Of It.

And Nicky, Nicky.

We're Always Here. We're Always Happy To Help.

You Haven't Told Nick Anything, Have You?

About What?

About The D.N.A. Report?

No.

Are You Planning To?

I Have No Intention Of So Doing.

Come In.

What's The Matter?

I Need To Tell You Something.