South Park

- # I'm goin' down to South Park #

# Gonna have myself a time #

# Friendly faces everywhere #

# Humble folks without temptation #

- # I'm goin' down to South Park #

# Gonna leave my woes behind #

- # Ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor #

- # Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind #

- # Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine #

- Good morning, South Park Elementary.

These are the morning announcements.

Parent/teacher conferences begin next Thursday.

If you have not yet done so,

please turn in your parents' requested time sheets

by the end of fifth period today.

Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas

or spaghetti with a marinara sauce and side salad.

Attention, fourth graders,

the fall registration for glee club starts tomorrow.

Any interested students should fill out a--

Whoa! What's going on?

- I'll kill you! I swear to god, I'll kill you!

Who are you?

- I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!

Hey, he's got a gun!

You little bastard!

You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?

- Sir, please, I don't know you. - Yeah, right!

- All right, what the hell is going on here?

You, sir, need to leave this area--

Oh, God, he shot him!

- You had to push me, didn't you?

Now you!

- Aah! Sir, I truly don't know--

Aah! Aah!

There!

How does it feel, huh?

Please, I don't know you!

You're Gordon Saltski, right?

Truck driver from Chicago?

No, I'm Gordon Stoltski,

third grader who reads the morning announcements!

- Yeah, right. We'll see if that's true.

Go on, read the morning announcements!

Somebody help me!

I said do it!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Any--any interested students

should fill out an applicant survey--

Aah! Aah!

I knew you were lying!

That was terrible!

Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun.

- No, please. I'm so scared.

I'm so scared. - Do it!

Please!

I-I'll do whatever you say! Here, here, see?

I got my mouth on the--

Look at you now.

We're all dead.

- We will always remember the way that Gordon bravely read

the announcements every morning,

led us in the Pledge of Allegiance, mm-kay,

and touched many kids' lives here at the school.

And even though we now know that the shooter had him confused

with a 40-year-old truck driver

who happened to have a similar name,

I know this has been pretty traumatizing, mm-kay?

But now we must decide who will pick up

where little Gordon left off?

Who will take his place reading the morning announcements?

It's a big responsibility,

because it will be your voice

the entire school listens to, mm-kay?

And although Gordon Stoltski can never be replaced, mm-kay,

there must be a student out there

who has the drive and the passion

to have his or her voice heard every morning.

Oh, my God.

So you're, uh, trying out

to be the morning-announcement person as well?

Yeah.

I think it would be really f-f-f-fun

and r-r-r-raise my self-es-es-es-esteem.

Oh, this is it, huh?

Okay, uh, Mike, why don't we have you try out first?

He stutters like a bitch.

I've got this job in the bag.

Who are you?

My name is Casey Miller,

and I'm in the third grade.

Ever since I can remember,

people have told me I should read the morning announcements.

My friends always said to me,

"Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears.

"Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate

on the airwaves?"

Well, here I am.

And hopefully I'll be the kid with the job.

Mm-kay, really nice, Mike.

Uh, maybe next time, you can get past the first word.

Oh, Casey Miller, good.

You're trying out too?

- I'm trying out and drying out

in the sultry summer sun that is my voice.

- Mm-kay, Eric, you want to go next?

Mm-kay, Eric, I'm just gonna have you read

this piece of paper.

- Mr. Mackey, what's a moronic jizz rag?

What?

What on earth are you asking me that for?

Well, it's just that...

That's what that Casey kid said about your hairpiece.

- Get lost, you little dirt ball!

Excuse me?

I said take a hike!

- I don't understand what I did wrong.

- Beat it! You're not getting the job!

- Good morning, South Park Elementary.

These are the morning announcements,

and I am Eric Cartman.

All forms for the school book drive

must be handed in to Mr. Davis in the library

by the end of the school day today.

Doesn't seem like they gave us a lot of notice on that, okay.

Oh, well.

For lunch today,

the cafeteria will be serving a selection of cold sandwiches.

Cold sandwiches--

Oh, well, thank you so much.

Remember when we used to be served hot food?

I mean, what has happened to our school?

This school is transforming into something very bad and why?

Because we have leadership that doesn't care.

I'm talking, of course, about our student body president,

Wendy Testaburger.

Ever since Wendy was elected student body president,

this school has started a rapid decline

towards some Socialist regime

where students no longer have a voice.

The music room will be closed off today due to painting.

All students in band or choir

will meet in the gymnasium instead.

Oh, oh, so now--

so now the school is using money to paint the music room.

How old and outdated is our playground equipment?

What other school

has a 15-year-old merry-go-round on it?

Our school president is turning this whole place

into Communist Russia.

It's not a coincidence that once Wendy took office,

this school started coming apart at the seams.

Your teachers don't want to tell you,

but they are scared, and they should be,

because the very fabric of this elementary school

is tearing from all corners.

Oh, jeez!

- But, hey, I'm just a normal kid like you,

except that I ask questions.

And because I'm brave enough to ask questions,

I come under scrutinies.

Is Wendy using your lunch money to buy heroin?

Probably not. But how can we know?

I don't want my lunch money going to drugs.

Who's taking these drugs? What would be the point?

I'm asking questions.

Will somebody shut him up?

- You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?

- The job is to read what is written on the paper, Eric,

not to embellish the way you do.

- Oh, I get it. You're trying to silence me.

You're scared that somebody is standing up to this school

and its president for once!

- No, it's just that the announcements need to be quick,

so the students can get on with their work.

Oh, really?

Then how come Gordon Stoltski got to go on

for, like, five minutes that one day?

- Well, because he was being murdered.

- You just want somebody to read what's in front of them

like a brainwashed zombie, is that it, Mr. Mackey?

I am not Gordon Stoltski, okay?

I'm not some dog on a leash

that just blindly says what he's told

until he's killed.

- All we ask is you keep it shorter.

Oh, I will.

And maybe I'll also have a word with the A.C.L.U.,

tell them that a student is being told not to speak out

against his school.

I'm sure they'll find that very interesting.

Well...

Good morning, South Park Elementary.

These are the morning announcements.

Tryouts for the soccer team are Friday afternoon,

that is, of course, if our student body president

does something about our abysmal soccer field.

I have a question.

What does Wendy Testaburger actually do?