Mom

Hey, I can't go to the bistro

with you guys today.

"Oh, why is that, Wendy?"

Well, I'll tell you.

I'm scrubbing in on a transplant.

This woman's getting a new heart on Valentine's Day.

How beautiful is that?

What I'm hearing is "no date."

I was gonna say the same thing,

but I was lifting this chair.

I don't have a date either, and I'm fine with it.

Good for you.

Really? You believed me?

I have my first date with Andy.

Oh, you're going out with the cop? That's great.

Kind of hoping he picks me up in the police car.

Never sat in the front before.

Marjorie.

Are you gonna be okay tonight?

Why wouldn't I be okay?

Well, it's your first Valentine's Day

since... you know.

Victor died.

I was trying to be sensitive.

Oh, my bad... I thought you forgot his name.

I actually have big plans.

I have a date with myself.

Hmm. How many times you have to ask

before you got a yes?

Actually, I'm going to order in

and watch Notting Hill because I've never seen it.

You've never seen Notting Hill?

It's like the best movie ever.

"I'm just a girl... "

"Standing in front of a boy... "

TAMMY, BONNIE AND CHRISTY: "Asking him to love her."

I hope it's better when Julia Roberts says it.

So, Tammy, do you have a date with Yuri?

Valentine's is a big night for Uber drivers,

so he's invited me to ride shotgun.

I'm gonna work the GPS, hand out some candies,

and probably clean up some puke.

Aw, I wish I was cleaning up puke with a fella.

Why don't you and I do something?

Maybe grab dinner.

Adam's got to work anyway.

A Valentine's dinner with my mother.

Is this the saddest moment of my life?

- No. - No way. - Not even close.

This place is beautiful.

Thank you for forcing me to shower.

Now I wish I had.

To us.

- Happy Valentine's Day. - Mm.

Complimentary crab cake for the lovely couple.

- Oh, she's my... - Soul mate.

What we won't do for free food.

Hey, I'm just happy he thought I could

land someone half my age.

You realize you just made yourself 80.

Or did I make you 20?

Yeah, let's go with that.

These are so much better than the ones

we serve at the restaurant.

But maybe that's because I'm not racing a busboy

to dig it out of the trash.

The best crab cake I ever had

was when I lived in Madagascar.

When did you live in Madagascar?

When I was in the Peace Corps.

You were in the Peace Corps? Mm-hmm.

It was a good way to cross

international borders without a lot of questions,

and a couple of villages got water, so...

Wow. I can't believe there's something

about you I don't know.

Oh, honey, there's lots of things.

Did you know there's a shotgun pellet

in my left ass cheek?

You're kidding. It was a ricochet.

I wasn't the intended target.

This is fun, we should do this more often.

I'll have a Diet Coke, two limes.

One squeezed, one not.

Beer, no fruit.

We have a wide selection of craft beers

and microbrews. Oh.

You know what? I'll just take anything

that comes from a failing steel town.

You sure it doesn't bother you that I'm having a drink?

Oh, hell no.

Especially not that crappy beer you ordered.

Oh.

Okay, two limes.

If you were still drinking, what would you have ordered?

Well, in a place like this, I'd have gone

with a vodka martini straight up with a twist,

six olives on the side.

On the side?

Well, I didn't want to waste the room in the glass,

and the olives were my dinner.

That-that would fill you up?

Well, when you have six martinis,

that's 36 olives.

You know, it's-it's, uh, it's weird.

I-I can't picture you not having it all together.

Oh, I have pictures.

But that's third date material.

Wow.

We're already talking about a third date.

Let me ask you something.

Do you own bowling shoes?

No, but you just gave me a reason to shop.

Okay, Jenny. You and Todd

make some memories tonight.

And stay out of prison.

Moment of truth.

How'd we do?

- Five stars and maximum tip. - Oh!

I feel like one of those stars is mine.

Oh, is true. Your banter was sparkling.

Oh!

- I'm glad you're here. - Me, too.

You're sure you're okay not going

- to some fancy dinner tonight? - Hell yeah.

Riding around with a cool guy

in a car that isn't stolen?

This is the most

romantic night of my life.

It gets better.

Check under your seat.

A Burger King wrapper?

Keep looking.

- Ow. - That's it.

Yuri.

No one's ever given me a rose before.

Get used to it.

Mmm.

Okay, Hugh Grant.

Do your thing.

Hey, Tammy.

- I am freaking out. - What's wrong?

I think Yuri wants to have sex with me tonight.

I haven't dated in a long time.

Remind me, why is that bad?

Because I've been in prison for seven years

and so has my... you know.

Well, what are you afraid of?

Everything.

I'm afraid we do it and then he dumps me,

or we do it and it's terrible,

or it's amazing and then we fall in love

and then he dies.

It happens.

It happened to you.

Yes, I remember.

It's okay, sweetie.

If you're not ready, just tell him.

Wow, you say stuff that's so obvious,

but it always makes me feel better.

Ooh, I got to go.

Here he comes with the tacos.

Wait, it's just a guy who really looks like him.

Oh, no, it's him. Bye.

Hey, Wendy. What's going on?

I'm about to go into surgery and I just want

to call and say hi so you don't get lonely.

Oh, thank you, I'm good.

- Happy operating. - Oh, I don't operate.

I just hand stuff to the person who does.

Well, happy handing.

Now it sounds like you're minimizing.

Goodbye, Wendy.

You take the next call.

Oh.

Look at that: the couple that got engaged

just got a free chocolate soufflé.

Hey, after dinner, get on your knee and ask me to marry you.

No, you've already been proposed to.

You propose to me.

Fine, but you better say yes.

We'll see.

You know what?

I would love to pretend to get engaged.

Because I know it's never gonna actually happen.

Oh, come on.

I'm fine with it.

I have an amazing group of friends,

I'm gonna have a kick-ass career.

And between us,

sex with myself has never been better.

So you're just giving up on love?

Well, if I'm being honest,

I don't know if I've ever been in love.

That makes me sad.

Good.

'Cause it's kind of your fault.

My fault? What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

I was kidding.