The Mindy Project

When your fiancee is across the country

caring for his sick dad,

it's important he knows that everything back home

is smooth sailing.

- - Hey, Leo, sweetheart,

you gotta chill, okay?

People are not liking the screaming.

It's not a good look.

Damn it.

Okay, no one... no one reach for it or anything.

Just a single mom trying to...

trying to pick up her fruit.

Hey, what's up?

Everything sucks!

Leo's screaming and my first time buying fruit was a total disas...

Things are tough here. Dad said he saw Jesus

for a seconds last night. How are you?

The last thing you want to be is another problem for him,

so best to just pretend everything is

smiley face emoji wearing sunglasses.

What can I say to you?

But Annette, I don't have anyone else who can watch Leo

and I'm in the middle of a delivery right now.

No, I do not care if you have a very important

sweatshirt decorating class.

Hello? Hello?

Damn it.

Danny, you gotta talk to your mom. I can't do this by myse...

Hey, hon. The Doctor thought dad might be strong enought for physical therapy.

Oh, thank God.

But then he fell and soiled himself. How are you?

Leo, I think your mom just made you a playpen.

Oh, God. Okay.

But, it's not easy running two businesses,

raising a child alone, and doing Danny's share

of the chores which, as it turns out,

was all of the chores.

Another turn for the worse. I need a pep talk babe.

Okay.

You can do this. I love you!

Why isn't it wearing sunglasses? Is everything ok?

Oh, come on.

No, no, Leo, the drill is for Mommy.

Anyway, God, all that I'm asking

is that you let me have this one bath with no interruptions.

And if you don't, I'm seriously switching religions to Kabbalah

and then Madonna can be my god. Okay.

- - Open up!

It's the masturbation police.

God?

Great news. I'm your houseguest for the week.

Take care of me.

- Oh, my God. Oh no! -

Peter, now is not a good time for me.

- I should have called first. - Yeah.

I'm sorry. It was a spur of the moment thing.

- Yeah. - My wife took the kid

out of town for the week, so I thought I'd head over here

and party like it's 1999,

which is also the year I briefly died from alcohol poisoning.

I'm just super busy and I don't have time

to take care of a houseguest.

As crazy Uncle Peter to your child,

I demand that you come out with me and party.

I want to get drunk and climb the Statue of Liberty.

I want to get hammered and ride the Cyclone.

I want to sneak beers onto the... do I have a problem?

Eh.

I cannot talk about this right now, okay?

I'm very tired, it's very late, I'm going to go to bed.

No need. I put caffeine pills in your water,

which is dangerous and scary.

- Damn it, Peter. -

Oh, God. Leo.

Okay, I don't want you to be scared,

but I'm going to go to a meeting right now

and it's very important so I want you to stay here

and color for a bit.

Mindy, you don't have to babysit me like a child.

And do you know where the good crayons are

'cause I lost the ones the stewardess gave me.

- Peter. - Hi, Jeremy.

I thought I smelled Hooters body spray.

High fives. Yeah!

Never quite figured that one out.

God, where to start.

You know, ever since my breakup,

Jody has been setting me up with a ton of women.

Just empty, meaningless, acrobatic sex, Peter.

- Hmm. - I've never felt more alone.

That can be tough.

Well, listen, we should have a gentlemen's catch up dinner.

I think we just gentlemanly caught up.

And besides, Mindy and I have some quality time booked,

so she's really been looking forward to it.

Mindy just texted the entire office saying,

"Can someone take Peter off my hands?"

- Tonight it is. - Okay, okay. Looking forward.

Melville, let's talk turkey.

Tell me how much money

the practice has brought in this quarter,

and I hope it's at least 3 million

because we have committed quite a bit

to Zach Braff's newest Kickstarter.

After expenses, this is how much your practice has netted.

- Oh, my God. That's great. - How is that possible?

- It's a negative number! - What?

You have more money going out than you have coming in.

- It's as simple as that. - How did this happen?

Well, you spent most of your revenue

on something called the "Later Baby Launch Party."

In retrospect, we shouldn't have

rented out Governor's Island.

Nobody came, because someone wrote

Riker's Island by accident on the invitation.

It was me.

If you don't get more patients in immediately,

your practice will definitely go under.

If we wanted predictions on the future,

we'd go to my psychic, Lady Mysterioso.

We pay you for accounting advice.

Actually, you haven't paid me in months,

which is the other reason I'm here.

Did you see this negative number?

I just learned what that meant.

Can you just take your money out of this?

Morning.

Are we looking for something?

My energy drink. It's called Heart Attack Fuel.

It's in a big red can.

There's a picture of a heart on it giving the finger.

I threw it out.

FDA banned that stuff after those teens

danced themselves to death.

How dare you throw out my energy drink?

That's the only way I know how to wake up in the morning, Jody.

I spent half the night awake because my baby was crying

and the other half awake because Peter was crying.

He decided to play Danny's piano with his penis

and the lid shut right on it.

Are you all right?

I feel like since your fiancee left,

you've really started dressing down.

Exsqueeze me?

I liked how you used to dress, all bright and colorful

like the homosexual flag.

I do not need to take fashion advice

from some guy who's wearing the same clothes

as he did yesterday.

My slovenly appearance is the result

of an erotic exploit,

not the early warning signs of depression.

Depression? I don't think so, pal.

Would a depressed person have the energy

to drink two bottles of wine a night?

Is there anything I can do to help?

There's a lot you could do, actually.

You could maybe convince my fiancee to come back

from California and help take care of our kid,

you get me some more patients for my fertility clinic,

you can take out my episiotomy stitches,

which it turns out are not the dissolvable kind.

Now, I need to go wake up.

Morgan? Come here. I need you to slap me in the face.

Dr. Reed, you know I'm not a dramatic person.

With respect, you started an office drama club

but then didn't put on a play

because there was too much behind-the-scenes drama.

Nonetheless...

I can't share an office with Colette.

She keeps pranking me.

It's not my fault Tamra doesn't have a sense of humor

and she's like, "Ugh."

I just don't think leaving this on my chair is funny.

It was so funny.

I like smart comedy that says something about society.

Or Tosh.

Anything exciting going on in this room?

Peter, you'll enjoy this.

I'm setting a little nurse dispute.

Okay, back at boarding school, whenever two boys had a spat,

matron would make them hold a bean against the wall

with their noses until they were friends again.

So, observe.

I got a better idea than holding all these beans.

Why don't you two come to dinner with Jeremy and I tonight

and we can talk this all out?

That was meant to be a guy's dinner just for us to catch up.

Now ladies, bean your nose.

What do you guys say?

- Whatevs. - I love food.

Somebody going to pick me up or just Uber there?

You're quiet because you're beaning your noses?

Ha, right there.

How much money did you spend on this again?

- One grand. - Oh, God.

I know, but all of a sudden, circular motion,

like the over-the-back stand kind of like...

Oh! Oh, God. Oh, God, Morgan.

Fear no more. You savior has arrived.