Parenthood

Peanuts! Roasted!

Freshly roasted! Get your peanuts!

Roasted! Red hot!

Hot peanuts!

Red hots! How about some red hot peanuts?

Peanuts! Get your peanuts here!

Go, go, go, go!

Safe!

Now batting for the Cardinals, number 14, Stanley Boyer.

Come on!

We missed four innings.

Well, like I said, I had to stop and do some business.

Here, sit down.

Hey, you, usher, come here. Can I talk to you a second?

Yes, sir.

Can you watch him? Sure, no problem.

I'll be back.

Gil, this is Stan. He's gonna watch you for a while.

I have some friends I'm meeting.

I'll meet you right here, huh? For the ninth inning. Have fun, kid.

Programs here! Get your programs! Programs!

Programs here! Get your programs! Programs!

So, Gilly, big baseball fan?

Kind of. Yeah? Dad bring you here a lot?

Once a year on my birthday. Then he pays an usher to watch me.

Oh, I see.

Look, you have to understand.

My father, in his own childhood,

was without a positive male influence.

Huh?

His own father kicked him out when he was 15,

so my Dad was taught to see child-raising as a job, a burden,

a prison, rather than a playground.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You don't talk like a kid.

Yeah, well, I'm not really a kid. You're not a duck.

This is a memory of when I was a kid.

I'm 35 now. I have kids of my own.

You don't really even exist.

You're an amalgam. A what?

A combination of several ushers my dad left me with over the years.

I've combined them into one memory. Why?

This was a great symbolic moment of my life,

my father dumping me with you.

It's why I swore things would be different with my kids.

That's my dream.

Strong, happy, confident kids.

That's great. That's great. You know, you got a lovely family,

and I'm a goddamn amalgam.

Gil?

Who's that? That's my wife.

Nice.

Gil.

Yeah? The game's over, honey.

The St. Louis Cardinals wish to thank you for attending today's game.

Please drive home safely and soberly.

Let's go!

Come on, Justin. You want to walk?

Come on, Justin. Come on, let's walk.

It's fun. Come on, let's walk.

You sure you don't want to walk? There we go.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

There's your pennant. There you go.

I got him.

All right? Yes.

Come on, watch it, watch it, watch it.

There you go. Watch the car.

Watch it. There's so many cars.

Here you go.

Here you go. Down?

Where is that kid? Where is she?

Daddy! Oh, there she is. There she is.

All right, come on, go inside. Grab a seat. Buckle up.

Honey. Taylor!

You're a rat. You're a rat!

(SINGING) When you're sliding into first

And you're feeling something burst

Diarrhea Diarrhea

When you're sliding into third And you lay a juicy turd

Diarrhea Diarrhea

When you're sliding into home

And your shorts are full of foam

Diarrhea Diarrhea

When you're sitting in your Chevy

And your shorts are feeling heavy

Diarrhea Diarrhea

Kevin, honey, where'd you learn that song?

Last summer at camp, Mom.

Ah! That was money well spent.

(SINGING) When you're sliding into first

And you're feeling something burst

Diarrhea Diarrhea

That's what you're gonna sleep in? You'll get cold.

Perfect.

Gil, Taylor isn't feeling well. She wants you.

It's those hot dogs. I'll deal with Kevin and Justin.

Hey, what do you say later, when the kids are asleep, I wear this outfit?

She's in our bed.

Hi, Daddy.

What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good?

Mmm-mmm.

You feel like you wanna throw up? Okay.

Gil. Oh, my God.

Oh, Taylor, baby. Oh, sweetie.

Gil, why are you just standing there?

Oh, sweetie! I'm waiting for her head to spin around.

You'll be all right. You'll be okay.

Oh, can you come with me

to see Kevin's principal on Monday morning?

Oh, boy. I love it when you talk to me about school and meetings.

Now talk to me about shopping.

No, I know. I know. Go on, go on.

I'm sorry. I just remembered now. I've been meaning to ask you, okay?

Fine. I'll be there. Okay.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I was a little tense before but now...

No, no. I mean with Kevin. Why are we going to see his principal?

Oh, because his teacher said he's been making that face again.

What? This?

Yes. The tense face.

He makes that same face at Little League.

You know what his teacher asked me?

What?

If we'd ever taken him for a psychiatric evaluation.

What?

She was just asking.

Why, because he makes a face?

Has she ever looked in the mirror?

You know, the face, the crying, the nervousness.

They mentioned the crying?

Yeah. You know, he doesn't really finish his work.

Hey, we'll talk to them on Monday. Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be fine.

Come here.

Where was I?

Here? Was I here?

Yeah, yeah. I was there already?

Mmm-hmm.

You know, that really pisses me off.

Kid's a little different, a little special, needs a little more attention,

teacher's gonna put a label on him. "Problem kid."

When we go see Kevin's principal,

let's find out who his teacher is gonna be next year

and make sure it's not one of these hysterics!

You're right, Gil. You know, Kevin's great. He can't be that much of a problem.

Right. Now, if it was my sister's kid...

Garry.

Now, there's a kid with problems.

Hi, Garry! You're up so early!

Yeah.

Where are you going?

Out.

What's in the bag?

Nothing.

Garry, you know, the whole family's coming over tonight.

There's a big surprise. Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here,

and Uncle Gil and Aunt Karen, they're bringing their kids.

Aunt Susie's gonna be here, and Uncle Nathan,

their kids and... It was nice talking to you.

Julie!

Hey, Julie! Yeah?

Julie, can I come in for a minute? Yeah.

Julie, I really need your help. The whole family's coming over tonight.

I don't know why, but the place is a mess.

Could you just give me a hand?

Yeah, okay, in just a few minutes.

Are you all right? I thought I heard you moaning last night.

Well, I kind of had a little bit of a stomachache,

but it's fine now. It's gone.

You hate me? What?

You know, for making you study so much and giving up all your dates.

No, you were right.

Honey, I'm telling you, those SAT scores are your ticket.

And, sweetie, you know, once you get to school,

you're gonna meet a lot of guys that you like just as well as that Tod.

Why do you always say "that Tod"? It just sounds so...

You're right. I'm sorry. It's been pleasant for a moment.

Okay, I guess I'm just gonna give everybody spaghetti and salad,

and I better cook a steak for my dad. See you later, honey.

Are you okay?

Man, your mother can talk!

Gosh, she hates my ass.

And it's such a cute ass.

Last night, she heard the moaning. She thought it was me.

Yeah? Mmm-hmm.

So you're gonna have to try and control yourself, Tod.

With you? It's impossible.

Wait. What?

I brought something. Ooh! Good.

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

We can record our love.

Susan. Hi, Sis, it's Helen.

Yeah, did I loan you my big platter? Oh, great, great.

Yeah, I thought so. Would you bring it over tonight?

I just need it to serve.

Oh, listen, Julie got 1,291 on her SATs.

I know. I know. I feel so proud of her. It's great.

Yeah. How's Patty?

We're a little disappointed with the effort

she's been giving lately towards her work.

Math, French, everything's gone down.