Beautiful Thing

Right! Now,

this is Mr Bennett, and he's going to be taking the boys for football.

Mr Bennett foolishly wants to be a teacher.

- Look at the fucking shell suit, man. - Fucking wanker.

- I don't believe it. - Fucking, yeah.

...the sun shines out of his proverbial.

What you fucking looking at?

Less fucking and more attention, please.

Something you might have said to your boyfriend, that, Gina.

Right, girls onto the other pitch with me. Come on.

- You, boy. Why aren't you playing? - Forgot my kit.

Don't make him play, sir. He's shit.

Balls, Mr Bennett!

Right. Look, I want you joining in, all right?

- You ain't playing, Gangel. - Fuck off, McBride.

- Guys! - Oh, come on.

Pass it round. Keep passing it.

Ste! Come on.

Lovely.

Go get it.

Oi! What's his name?

Hugh, sir. Hugh Janus.

Hugh Janus, get back here now!

Hugh Janus!

Janus, are you deaf?

All right, Sandra?

Slag.

Sweet, I must go.

What happened? School burnt down, did it?

Yeah.

What was it this time? IRA bomb?

Fundamentalist Muslim pyromaniacs.

Oh, funny that. Looked all right when I walked past it.

Yeah. "Funny that."

Look, you're not too old to be taken over me knee, young man. Do you hear me?

Whole of bloody Thamesmead can hear you.

Yeah, well, you've gotta start doing your games.

- Why? - 'Cause you have, that's why.

- Who says? - I says.

- I hate football. - You never used to.

Well, I do now!

You know what I'm gonna do now, don't you?

Juggle with them?

You know what they're gonna do, don't you? They'll put you into care.

They'll say, "She's an unfit mother, bang him into one of them homes.

"'Cause, I mean, she can't even get him to do his PE."

That's what they're gonna do.

She's throwing away everything I was saving for me kids. Books, toys.

- I don't want kids. - Kids are cunts.

Anyone been calling you names?

- Like what? - I dunno.

- Stumpy? - No.

- I told you it'd stop. - I know.

I told you you'd grow,

but you don't take the blindest bit of notice of me, do you?

- Yes, I do. - Oh, yeah?

How comes every Wednesday afternoon without fail you're standing there?

- I've told you. - Oh, have you?

# Call the village band out Bid me goodbye #

- What you doing? - Singing.

- What? - I'm just a girl who can't say no.

Heard of Mama Cass?

No, sing it.

What? Go on.

- No way. - I won't laugh.

# Call the village band out Bid me goodbye

# Everybody stand outside and cry

# Never thought so many Thought me so dear

# I'd be happy any place but here

# One way ticket take me anywhere

# Northbound, southbound, I don't even care

# I know the grass is greener there #

Keep going.

You might persuade him to get back to school.

Libs.

- That's not natural, is it? - What ain't?

A girl her age into Mama Cass.

She's got a really beautiful voice.

And what's the matter with Madonna?

- She's a slag. - Hypocrite.

- All right, Ste? - Ste, all right?

You two been bunking off together, have you?

Not together, no.

You all right, Mrs Gangel?

Well, it's nice to see someone can stay at school for the full day.

We done football today.

Wrong season for football, innit?

- Student teacher. - Ah, is that the problem?

- No. - Well, what is, then?

- I'd best get in. - Aw, Ste.

I'm doing the tea.

Stick it on, then come back out here.

It's bubble and squeak, Leah. You can't leave bubble and squeak.

You gotta watch it like a hawk.

Don't that make you fart? Bubble and squeak?

Only if you've got a fat arse.

There was a phone-in this morning on Richard & Judy

about delinquent children. I should've rang in.

- I'm going in. - See you, Ste.

Whose fault is it, then, eh? The system.

I am a victim of the education... Thingy-ma-bob.

Wasteland.

You're a victim of your own big mouth, more like.

Leah, luv, get in here and peel some taters for tea, will you?

Ah, kiss my arse.

You, indoors. She's a bad influence.

She's a bad influence.

Right, you don't peel no taters, you don't get no tea.

Jamie!

Rainbow's gone anyway.

That'll be the phone.

Well, it wouldn't be the bloody Hoover bag, would it?

I know, Miss Chauhan. But, you see, Miss Chauhan...

He's got a funny tummy, you know.

I mean, he really wanted to do football today, but he got taken short, see.

Mmm. And when he got to the boy's loos, they were all locked up, inexplicably.

So, he had a little accident, you know.

Oh, yeah. I couldn't agree with you more, Miss Chauhan.

I mean, when I was at school

I was reserve captain for the Under-16s netball team,

so I can appreciate the, like, value of exercise and sport.

I mean, I'd hate you to think this was any reflection on me meself.

It's slow northbound

due to an over-height vehicle stuck in the entrance,

and on Shooters Hill the lights are out next to the police station.

And on the A2, ongoing roadworks are causing delays

on the contraflow southbound through Bexleyheath.

Now the weather for this area.

Overnight, it will be humid, with a low of 16 degrees centigrade.

Tomorrow will be dry, hot and sunny,

with a maximum temperature of 28 degrees.

This is RTN.

I'm going to work.

There's a cheese salad in the fridge,

and the one with the beetroot's for Tony.

I don't need a babysitter.

No. I know what you need.

Shooting.

- I heard that. - Yeah, well...

You could hear a zit burst in Australia, you, couldn't you?

If you shot me, you'd have to go to prison and live off gruel.

Don't tempt me.

I'll be checking your homework when I get back. Be warned.

Oi, Rose!

Attaboy, Ste.

Get her to turn it down, will you?

What do you think I'm trying to do?

Me old man's trying to get some kip in there!

And I'm trying to make chips!

She's only gone and locked herself in her bloody room, ain't she?

Leah! I'm on tablets, you know.

Can I get in and try?

I give up.

Leah! Leah!

This is my idol!

Leah, spare some thought for all the nice people who live round here.

Some of them don't like Mama Cass, you know.

Well, they should! Leah, please!

Oh, I suppose I should be glad it's not techno, acidic,

housey housey, pop trash.

Leah!

What's all the bloody noise?

It's her. She can't control her kids.

I've only got the one, you know.

Just as bloody well.

Rose, turn that bloody racket down, will you?

Do you think I'm enjoying this?

Leah!

Oi! Mush!

Is that Trevor?

You only had to ask, Trevor. You know I'd do anything for you.

Or to you.

I wouldn't touch it with his.

See you later!

Thank you, Trevor.

Trevor! Trevor!

Your mum told me straight, you know.

Problems.

Been there.

Walking across the park, game going on, my heart, you know, races.

Scared, Jamie.

Scared of the ball coming, you know, near me.

Hey, we can fight this one together.

Do you fancy a knockabout?

No, me neither. But some time, yeah?

It looks like fried shite.

Trevor, make us a sandwich.

- But he made it! - Trevor!

Fucking hell.

I can't eat all that.

Where'd you meet my mum?

Planet Earth.

Where?

Oh, you know, out and about, here and there.

What's a place?

A place is just somewhere where, you know, shit happens.

Yeah, but where?

Gateways.

She turn you on?

- Sure. - She's 35.