No Heroics

- Oh, for Christ's sake! - Hey!

Look on the bright side.

No-one will steal knick-knacks from you again.

You're the dick who razed the National Gallery again.

Yes. The Hotness! See? You HAVE heard of me.

What are you gonna do about my news stand?

I know something that'll gonna make you feel a lot better.

Yep. It's signed.

I know. Amazing!

All right there, darling? You a superhero, then?

Yeah. The costume thing kind of gives it away, eh?

What's with that costume?

- Dunno. Fashion statement? - Oh, really?

And what's it saying, then?

Right now... it's shouting, "Please fuck off!"

But... I thought you said you liked me.

- Well, I know you never said it, but... - You sound needy.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask.

Not you. I've got Doomball in a throatlock.

But what about the other night. I thought we had a great time.

- Don't go there. - Oh, really!

Well, pizza and a handjob sound like a pretty good time to me, Mister!

You shouldn't have put out.

This is done. I've quit the business, I'm drunk,

and even if I know you, I probably don't like you.

Leave a message.'

I know who it is, Alex. Hey. It's me, Alex.

Come down The Fortress, you big Spanish homo.

I hate my life.

Hey, fat boy. Make way for a hero.

Yeah, we're all heroes here. Twat!

What's wrong with Glory Vixen?

Someone put her sex tape on the internet.

- It's so awful. - Yeah, really grainy.

Who cares about another sex tape?

You saw Cyclone's ball sac.

I feel for her, but if you're daft enough to have sex in costume...

- That could happen to anyone. - Certainly could, cowgirl. Yee-ha!

- You said you'd get rid of it. - Yeah. I didn't.

- I don't believe this. - And I added some music. Our song.

- Hammertime is not our song. - It is now.

Don. Make yourself useful. Who gets the first round in?

- It's Alex. - Bollocks! It's always me.

Don't argue with the future, Floppy-tits.

I like you better when I can fast forward the talking.

So, I said...

"No, THIS is a forcefield," and showed him mine.

Well, you've seen mine. It's fucking massive.

- All right, Steve? - Yeah, great, thanks. Good.

- Good. - Well, actually, no.

I've not been OK since The Gulf. It's the pain. And the dreams.

And the waking up drenched in sweat and piss.

OK. Cheers.

- Oh. - Watch the suit, Hotpants!

Very funny. Never heard that one before.

- Seriously. What is your cape name? - You know what it is.

Oh, yeah. The Gayness.

The Hotness, actually.

Whatever. If you're not on the board, no-one cares.

90 televisual appearances. That has to burn.

I've been on TV. Yeah, quiz shows don't count, Fuckface.

- They do count. - Hey, your ex...

- is looking pretty hot herself tonight. - Is she?

Well, nothing amazing, but if it was a quiet night, I'd have a go.

I'm sure she'd really like that.

Of course she bloody would. By the way, your costume's showing.

- Really? - No.

- Brilliant! - Brilliant.

- What a cock. - It's Devlin, isn't it?

Being slightly more famous doesn't make him better than me.

Exactly. And OK, maybe he can do a few things you can't.

- Flying... - Shooting lasers out his eyes.

- Jogging. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can jog.

You mum run, you're all arms.

And OK, maybe Devlin has got a better cape name

that's not quite so... You know.

Gay?

For the last time, there's nothing gay about The Hotness.

- Don. As a gay man... - Oh, it's the gayest name in history.

Look. I'm famous! I'm gonna be on Power Hour tonight.

"Retard Torches Kiosk." Not exactly headline news.

If I'm not famous, then what do you call this?

The amount of times you say "I'm famous" every day?

It's a fan's phone number, actually.

Her name's Vicci - with two Cs and an I.

- She sounds like a slag. - Yes. Yes, she does!

- Oh, come on, you two. - It's all right. She's just jealous.

- As if. I'd rather fuck Don. - Oh, please!

- Just talk about me like I'm not here! - Actually, I'd better go.

I've got a risotto to heat up.

And there's a certain lady called Vicci who wants to play with fire.

By that, I mean my cock and balls.

I need a cigarette.

Have a great night of indifferent cooking and selfish love-making.

Thanks! I will.

My cooking's not indifferent.

- You know what those two need? - Some good, honest chat?

I was gonna say a hay fuck.

And where are you off to in such a hurry?

The Shit Name Club?

- Actually, I've got a date. - Actually, I've got a date.

What are you? A 14-year-old girl?

- Just get out of the way, Devlin. - OK, fine. What's the password.

- What? - I can't let you through without it.

- For fuck's sake... - No.

- This is pathetic. - Yes, it is.

But that's not the password.

Er, I don't know. Is it...

- Superheroes? - No.

- Ticklestick. - Congratulations on being a homo.

- Just let me past. - No.

- Please! - Yes. That's it. See how easy that was?

- Wanker! - Watch it, Hotcakes.

- All right, Simon? - Are you talking to me?

Oh, God. All right, Thundermonkey?

Better. Cape name when I'm on duty, please. We'll have some respect.

I thought you should know.

Depth Charge is using his magnetic hand on the pinball machine.

Jesus Christ! He'll damage the mechanism.

Works every time.

Machine, give fags.

- Nice try. - Bumsticks.

Do you know what will occur if I let everyone use their powers here?

- No. - Anarchy!

And anarchy is not good for the carpets.

Come on. It's just a packet of fags.

I'll get you a date with Jenny if you let me keep them.

- Could you do that? - As if!

I'm a superhero, not a fucking miracle worker.

Well, don't push my buttons, all right?

You know I'm authorised.

Don't make me bring the monkey thunder.

You wouldn't.

Hey! It's the bot-man.

Uh! Where do you think you're going?

I don't know what you're talking about?

- What's the password? I can't let you through without that.

Oh, the password. I remember.

Is it, "Let me through or I rape you, then kill you."?

That's close enough. Yeah.

Thank you.

- Just a little joke, you psycho. - I heard that.

Just out of interest, Simon,

how soon do the monkeys get here after you summon them?

- About two and a half hours. - Handy!

Yeah, well. There's a perfectly good corner shop up there. On the corner.

The shopkeeper stinks of egg and it's pissing down.

- Your costume's waterproof. - Have you seen my costume?

- It's fucking tiny. - Not my fault you dress like a slag.

You know,

it still amazes me you don't have a girlfriend, Simon.

Fine!

Thanks for inviting me over.

Thanks for giving me your number, you big flirt.

Are you sure you're OK with the whole...

Secret identity? Yeah, of course.

It's not like you're my first cape.

Do you er... mind if I smoke?

Not at all.

That's er... pretty hot.

Well, you're either hot... or you're not.

People do say that. It's like a... phrase.

Mm. See you've got a lot of movies, Hotman.

Yes. The Hotness.

J'adore les films.

"Some Like It Hot", "Body Heat"... "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof".

Heat themed Christmas presents. No one gets bored of that gag.

Except, you know... me!

So erm... what's "Alex And Sarah"?

Oh! Er, that... that's just a sweet erm... romantic

comedy with a homemade... cover.

It's a sex tape, isn't it?

Yeah. It is.

Maybe we could...

- ... make the sequel. - Not sure Sarah would be up for that.

No...

We still can't, actually, cos the video camera was hers. But...

You know, I like the rain. Clears the air, dunnit?

Plus, that outfit's gone see-through!

- No, it fucking hasn't. - Yeah.

The nipples are definitely coming into play.

- Cock off, egg man! - Oh, that's nice talk for a lady.

I could have you banned. Don't you lot have a code of conduct?

You never get that Excelsor bloke off the telly effing and blinding.

You heroes don't know you're born.

- Open the till, Granddad! - Oh, ball sacs!

Unlucky. There's a cape out back.

Yeah, right! Open the till or I'll shoot you.

- I mean it! - You're not gonna shoot me.

Fuck!

- Typical! - Now open the till!

Do it yourself!

All right! I'll do it.

Ooh, muffins.

Have you noticed how no one even asked how my day went?

- Don. - How was your day?

- Shit. - I know that.

I broke Doomball's arm and I broke up with David.

I didn't know you went out with David? I thought you were just...

- What's that? - Wanking.