Mike & Molly

Look at all these people.

Exercising in the middle of the day,

drinking their free-range, cold-pressed nut juice.

I mean, don't they have jobs?

It's gotta make you wonder who's funding this lifestyle.

Rich parents?

Ex-husbands?

The Illuminati?

The who?

Exactly.

All units, we have a 10-37 at Cicero and Irving.

Possible stolen vehicle.

Should we get that?

I suppose we should.

Car 2686 responding.

Ah, looks like Ramirez beat us to the punch.

Well, just as well, we got our hands full here.

Unbelievable.

All these people on permanent vacation

while we're working like dogs.

Ain't that the truth? Hey, you want a snow cone?

I would.

Hey. Your feet, my treat.

Car 2607 responding.

Hey, I'll get a jump on our paperwork.

Or not.

I forgot to tell Carl what flavor.

Ah, he'll surprise me.

What is the matter with the Internet?

Tell me about it.

Leave out one letter

and you're seeing things you can't un-see.

Made that mistake looking up "grandfather clocks."

No, I meant the signal's down.

And you left that website up.

It's forever frozen here and in here.

All right, Molly, cancel the credit cards.

Is this about the $600 boots?

What?

What?

No, my wallet got stolen.

Oh... Oh... Oh, bummer.

Did you call the cops?

I had everything in there.

My driver's license,

my Social Security card, lottery ticket.

Maybe I won, maybe I didn't.

We'll never know.

Where'd they steal it from?

Straight off the dashboard

of my squad car. Oh...

So it was a classic smash-and-grab, huh?

It was more of a grab than smash.

The window was open, 'cause there was a nice breeze.

So, wait, you were in the car when it happened?

No. Of course he wasn't, Mom.

Nah, he was in the car.

I swear, I only closed my eyes for a couple of seconds.

You fell asleep?

Well, no. I wouldn't call it sleep, exactly.

More like a ten-minute blink?

How the hell would I know?

I wasn't wearing a watch.

Good thing. They probably would have stole that, too.

Where was Carl?

Was he also blinking?

No.

He was out getting us snow cones.

Okay.

We just want you to know

that we're just glad that you're okay.

And I'm keeping the boots.

Okay, so it wasn't your best day.

It was humiliating.

Hey, this is not all on you.

Okay? This is an indictment on modern society.

I mean, what kind of a world is this that a police officer

can't sleep safely in his own squad car?

I never should've been sleeping in my squad car.

That's another way to look at it.

When I first came out of the academy,

they paired me with this old timer, Perzecki.

Kept a pillow in his car.

Put it under his arm when he drove

and under his head when he took a nap.

"Officer Down."

I would have gone with "Captain Memory Foam."

Mmm-kay.

I used to think that guy was a joke.

Now look who the joke is.

Hey, come on, now, you're not that bad.

Is that what I'm going for now, Carl?

"Not that bad"?

I was asleep in a squad car.

It could have been so much worse than a stolen wallet.

By the grace of God,

I didn't get a penis drawn on my face.

God is good.

What happened to us?

Where are those gung-ho rookies

that wanted to grab the world in a choke hold and never let go?

Those were good times, huh?

Hey. Remember that chop shop we busted up on Melvina?

Yeah.

Didn't even call for backup. Hm-mmm.

Just you, me 13 Albanians,

and half a DeLorean.

You know, we could still be those guys.

You think so?

I know so.

Hmm.

"Bad boys, bad boys,

"whatcha gonna do

when McMillan and Biggs come for you?"

Look at my arm.

You gave me goose bumps.

Robbery in progress.

Shell station, Division and North.

This is 2607 responding.

All right, let's roll.

Look at us!

Hey, if you had your perm and I had my adult braces,

I'd swear this was ten years ago.

You are never gonna believe what happened at work.

You stayed awake all day.

You're damn right I did.

And I remembered why I became a cop.

Because you failed the pipe fitter's exam.

That,

and I wanted to take a bite out of crime.

But today, crime...

took a bite out of me.

What is that?

Dog bite.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I chased a purse snatcher

over a barbed wire fence into a junkyard,

where we were both attacked by a giant pit bull.

Everyone was biting everyone.

And the day just got better from there.

I don't know how that's possible.

Well, anything's possible when...

when you give a damn.

I don't love a high-five.

But you, sir, deserve a high-five!

Thanks.

The last one you gave me was on our honeymoon.

Well, you earned that one, too.

So, uh...

well, where-where is everybody?

Oh, they went to the movies.

Really?

I know that "really."

What are you thinking, we sneak upstairs?

Hmm?

No.

Table for two? No!

They're gonna be home in 20 minutes.

Well, then, we'd better get started.

You know what? All right.

Fine.

Let me just set the timer, just in case.

Wait, how-how long did you set it for?

Oh. Um, you know what?

Let's think positive.

Man, we've been hitting it hard all morning.

What do you say we take a break?

Hey, crime doesn't take a break.

Look at this scumbag.

Which one? The one in black,

hassling that homeless guy.

Hey, punk.

Leave him alone and put your hands in the air.

Oh! I'm sorry, Father!

I didn't see the collar.

You might want to pull back a little.

Hey, crime doesn't pull back.

Man, you can't just keep putting "crime doesn't"

before everything I say.

I'm sorry, I'm just so pumped up.

I'm tellin' you, Carl, getting my wallet stolen

was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Hey, listen, I love the new wide-awake Mike.

But we need to be smart about this.

I wouldn't've drank that second cup of coffee

if I knew we weren't taking pee breaks.

Carl, eleven o'clock.

No, no, I got a tiny bladder.

I can't wait till 11:00.

No, no, the punk on the bike.

Am I crazy, or does that look like the guy that's been pulling

all those second-floor B and E's?

There's only one way to find out.

Hey, you, on the bike.

Pull over to the sidewalk.

Got a runner.

Son-of-a-bitch thinks he can shake us

by going down that narrow alley.

We'll just go down a block, head west, and we'll catch him

on the other side. Nah, too risky. We'll lose him.