Rush

Let's face it, Jason never did quite get the hang of

how to win friends and influence people.

'Rule number one: never sleep with your best friend's mother.'

Prick! Turn your back on my mum? On your baby?! Prick!

'But if you do, make sure she agrees with your notion of childcare.'

Jason!

- You monster! - 'He wasn't the perfect father figure.'

- I hope your freakoid baby dies. - Whoa!

Have a nice day.

But he did have a winning way with his team-mates.

I've had enough of you, son. I want you off the team.

And I always get what I want.

You better learn that I'm still the boss. Show some respect.

I won't be pushed out of my own club...

by a gobshite like you.

'I, as a loyal, loving wife, would never hear a bad word said against him.'

Jason, you lying piece of shit!

You can punch me, wanker, but you can't hurt me any more!

Jason was definitely an acquired taste.

But when the taste goes sour...

Ah, help me! Help!

No... No!

'Anyway, I can't sit around here gossiping all day.'

I've got a funeral to go to.

And through it all she offered us protection,

a lot of love...

and affection

whether we're right or wrong,

and down the waterfall,

wherever it may take us,

we know that life won't break us.

And when we come to call, she won't forsake us.

We're loving angels instead.

That was and always will be Chardonnay.

Our angel. (Sobs)

She's up there looking after us.

And even though we couldn't save her from the ravages of anorexia,

she saved us...

with her sweet memory.

As some of you may know...

it's only six months since my husband Jason died.

And difficult though our love may have been...

it's a blow I shall never ever get over.

There's only us now, Kyle...

and I'll hold your hand since you held mine after Jason died.

But for now it's time to say goodbye.

To Chardonnay Lane Pascoe.

Soul mate, wife...

daughter... mother.

Beautiful... funny...

clever and honest.

And terribly, terribly missed.

Aloe vera, cactus flower, vitamin E

and all the ancient properties of the sea.

Amber quenches your skin's thirst

like the ocean gives life to the land-dwellers.

- God! Shitting bastard jellyfish! - (Man) Cut!

What do you want me to do, let them sting me?!

- We should have shot this in a pool. - OK.

Set for another take.

This jewellery's crap, it's bringing me out in a rash.

And this shit. Thanks, darling.

How long is this gonna take? I've been here for hours!

- (Screams) - Jesus! Are you all right?

Get that bloody lamp sorted now!

That's it! I've had it!

I want to speak to my agent!

You've got to be strong, love.

A lot of people have come to pay their respects.

I'll be there with you.

I couldn't help her, Mum.

I just wish it was me.

Nobody could help her, Kyle.

You remember what Tanya said, all right? Chardonnay wanted you to live.

And so do me and Paddy, Kyle - we need you.

Just an hour or two, yeah?

And then you can let it all out.

Good. Let's do it again... soon.

- The key to the Royal Villa, please. - One moment, sir.

- Here you are. - Thank you.

Can I have your autograph, please?

Hi. You don't have a pen?

- No. - No? Nor do I.

Tanya. Nice speech.

I bet you're glad it's over.

I... Kyle didn't embarrass you at Jason's funeral

so I assumed you'd return the favour.

But Jason was a bastard, wasn't he? It's a bit sadder, this one.

Emotions can get the better of you.

- Who would it help by? - By what?

Telling the truth? Do you think I want the world to know

that my husband was sad enough to shag Old Mother Hubbard?

Besides, wouldn't be fair on Paddy, would it?

It's bad enough he thinks his mummy's just died,

imagine if he knew she was still with us.

I mean, if you know you're gonna die wouldn't you just eat summat?

- Even if you weren't hungry? - Yeah, but you're ill, aren't you?

But you're only ill because you're not eating.

Life or death, man, have a sandwich.

- Hi. - All right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm coping.

- (Sighs) - I can't stand this.

I think that we should never have flogged Biagi.

Relax, they're playing a waiting game, so we wait.

- You won't be sorry, Frank. - I better not.

We missed out on Europe last season.

Bloody Stefan letting us fart around mid-table - I want results.

Sparks' problem is weak management.

Stefan Hauser - and I might be out of line saying this - all brains, no passion.

He's lucky you let him resign.

His doolally daughter gave him a nervous breakdown.

Pascoe's gonna have one because of his doolally wife.

- Sod passion, women run this game. - I'll tell you what runs it -

a little bit of this and plenty of that, so you're in safe hands.

Jacks, remember Roger Webb from Birmingham?

Yeah. Did wonders for Kyle at the academy.

- Let me know when it's time to go, eh? - Yeah.

Jackie. You look... absolutely gorgeous.

I'm glad you could make it. It's not like you knew her.

Well, you know, I'm here for Kyle.

I don't know how he's gonna cope, so go easy on him.

You worry about yourself. I mean, you got your grandson to think about now.

- Four. I want four. - OK.

Yes, four. Yeah, that one, that one...

- OK. - Four.

I hope your spirit houses bring you luck.

- Take me to the Regent. - OK.

You're his agent - I got a whole flippin' team to look after.

We've only just got over Turner throwing himself off a building.

Yeah, well, the world continues to turn without Jason.

- And let's face it... - (Mobile)

...grieving or not, Pascoe's a more reliable skipper than that wanker.

Yeah, what?

Good, get him to email it to me.

My office just got a fax from Juventus.

Thunderbirds are go.

OK. Cheers.

I'll go and tell Frank.

We've both lost our best friends and our spouses.

No one else can understand how that feels.

The difference is I'll actually miss Char.

You telling me you're sorry Jason fell?

Jumped, you mean.

It was suicide, Kyle.

Yeah. Yeah, course it was.

I won't lie. I haven't shed a tear yet.

All I'm left with is bad memories and a stack of debts.

As far as I'm concerned, everything shit that's happened to me is because of him.

I'm glad he's dead.

Hon, I'm back!

Conrad?

Con?

Conrad?

- (Squeals) - (Laughs)

You are a naughty boy.

Mm, and what happens to naughty boys?

Hm.

- They get punished. - (Chuckles)

- See you tonight. - Yeah.

Kyle? I'm off.

Leaving so soon, Frank?

- Some appointments can't be changed. - Yeah? You should have said,

I'd have asked Chardonnay to die at a more convenient time.

Sorry, darling. I'll call you tomorrow, OK?

Be strong, babe.

Kyle.

You hang in there, yeah? Take as much time off as you need.

No, I... I wanna play soon as.

OK.

Boss?

What's all this buzz about a new signing?

Hey, now's not the time.

Er... l'm asking as captain.

Trust me, Kyle, if there was anything to tell you, I'd tell you.

Cheers.

When I think about it, I could've been killed - it fell that close to my head.

Anyway, I go shopping to take my mind off things

and I swear I was being followed by one of them.

- Don't start, Amber. - I'm not starting, I'm just scared.

You don't mess with the Triads, and you owe them three million pounds!

I don't owe them shit! The ball went in.

Accident, mind.

Look, match fixing isn't a science. They know that.

- I'm glad I didn't drop the game. - But you did.

- And they know where we are. - What would they be doing here?

Come on, relax.

After the deal with Sparks we'll be well away from Turin.

I'm gonna phone home, speak to my baby.

- (Sighs) - I wish we'd brought him with us.

Ciao, Marcella. I wanna speak to my little bambino.

Put him on.

Hello, darling. Mummy misses you very much.

Say hello.

- Say hello to mummy. - (Barks)

I call upon these persons here present

to witness that I, Tanya Louise Turner,

do take thee, Francis Michael Laslett

to be my lawful wedded husband.

Come on, over this way...

Over here, please?