The Ranch

You see the way I gathered them cattle? It was like a master class.

Cows are probably like, "Man, did you see the way he gathered us?

And how ruggedly handsome he is?"

"Yeah, and did you see how he slammed his dad's hand in the tailgate?"

I'd have told you to rub some dirt on it, but...

that's what you did.

- Hey-o. - Hey.

- How was practice? - Practice?

What, are you pretending to be the girls' high school volleyball coach again?

No, man, they got wise to that.

Defensive backs coach for the football team.

I get more 18-year-old cheerleaders now than I did in high school.

- I never figured you for a coach. - Yeah, me neither.

But Dad will only give me time off for two things.

- Funerals and football. - Exactly.

So, five years ago, when the defensive backs coach died,

I got both.

- We got a team this year? - Oh, hell yeah, we got a team.

So, what's the deal? We gonna beat Norwood or what?

God, I hope so. Can't stand Norwood.

They act all high and mighty with their Super Walmart

and their second stop light.

The John Deere store is in Norwood.

Last year, some kid offered me a loser's discount out of pity.

I paid full price.

Yo, I'm telling you guys, we got a hell of a team.

Quarterback... got an arm like a shotgun.

Calling him the next Colt Bennett.

Does that mean he's gonna be livin' at home when he's 34 years old?

"The next Colt Bennett."

Yeah, they say that every year.

There ain't never gonna be another Colt Bennett.

Remember that guy that came after me? Was it Dubanowski?

What's he doing now?

He's a surgeon.

He separated Siamese twins.

So what? He separates shit.

I brought a whole town together and won State. All with this arm.

Remember who you got that arm from.

You got your mother's.

I thought you were a linebacker, Dad.

In my day, we did it all. We played both ways.

Yeah, that means something different nowadays, Dad.

All right, let's run a play.

Dad, you hike me the ball. Rooster, go long.

- Hell no, man. I know that trick. - What trick?

The one where you tell me to go long, then go longer,

then you run inside, lock the door, and dunk your balls in my Cheerios.

It's dinner.

I ain't gonna dunk my sack in your hot soup.

You only make that mistake once.

What the hell's wrong with you two?

I grew up with two brothers. Never saw nut one.

Rooster, go long.

Let's go. All right. Here we go.

Hut, hut!

- You okay? - Do I look like I'm okay?

Well, you look like you're about to play both ways.

Couldn't just let me drive.

- I'm fine. - Yeah.

Every time you made a right hand turn, you sounded like a female tennis player.

Beau, what's wrong? You're walking like you have an actual stick up your ass.

Threw his back out.

You know what's good for a bad back?

Pilates.

Not helping, Hank.

Excuse me for bringing a little culture to this bar.

- You know you have to see someone, right? - I'm fine.

You're fine? All right. Here, boys.

Thanks, Mom.

And, Beau, since your back is fine and you don't need to go to the doctor,

here's your beer.

Pick it up.

Go see a doctor.

And fork over $200 for a co-pay? No, thanks.

If it ain't feeling better next week, I'll go to the vet and get some pills.

Rooster, will you pick up my beer?

Yup.

Jameson, you touch that beer, you'll never drink in this bar again.

Sorry, Dad.

I love you, but I love free beer more, so...

Colt?

What are you gonna do, chase me?

Oh, my God.

Kenny.

Oh, man. You trying to avoid him 'cause he's banging your ex-girlfriend?

- Yeah, big time. - Yeah. I don't blame you.

Hey, yo, Kenny, what's up, my man?

Hey! Rooster! Colt!

Yo, man. You buying meth again from Shaggy over there?

I had a feeling you might be here.

You know, because it's your mom's, not because you have a drinking problem.

Two beers. That's cool.

So, Kenny, how's things with you and Abby?

They great? Because you guys make a really, really cute couple.

Yeah.

- She's the best! - Yeah.

She just gets me.

Yeah, that's great.

Hey, you know what? I think Dad wants to get out of here.

No, I don't think he does.

Uh, so, you know, I know all the reasons why Abby loves you,

but why don't you tell me and Colt all the reasons you love Abby.

Uh, yeah, I mean...

- She smells like vanilla. - Whoo!

You hear that, Colt?

Vanilla!

Hey, listen, I don't know if you heard,

but I was recently elected president of the Garrison football booster club,

and we're kicking things off, pun intended,

with a, uh, spaghetti dinner.

I was wondering if you'd come by and maybe say a few words.

No, thank you.

Pun intended.

Okay. Um... then maybe you could donate something for our raffle?

I'd love to get an autographed picture of you and the new quarterback.

Yeah, okay. I can do that.

Hey, you know, if you want,

I'll even do that, uh, "Win a date with Colt Bennett" thing,

as long as it's rigged and I get to pick the winner.

Yeah, man.

No fatties. No flatties.

Oh, okay. Like I'm the only one thinking that.

Hello, Mr. Bennett.

Where's Dr. Boyd?

I'm Dr. Boyd.

No, the real Dr. Boyd.

Oh, you're thinking of my dad.

When's the last time you saw him?

Oh, I don't know. A year or two, maybe.

He died 12 years ago.

Maybe it was longer.

I took over his practice. But don't worry, you're in good hands with me.

So, how long has your back been bothering you?

None of your business.

Oh! Beau Bennett!

Okay, yeah!

I'll tell you what, I'll examine your back

and take a couple x-rays and see what we're dealing with.

And while you're here, we'll do a quick checkup.

I don't need a checkup. Everything else is fine.

You haven't been to the doctor in 12 years.

I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't give you an examination.

On the plus side, since I've become a doctor,

I've only killed three patients.

Oh, good. You're funny, too.

Are we done here?

How about this.

I'll give you a prescription for your back.

Feel free to pick it up and walk out of here anytime.

But if you can't, then I'm doing an exam.

You've been talkin' to my wife.

Staring at your old trophies, huh?

That's a little vain.

Actually, I was staring at my reflection.

So, what're you doing here?

Uh, they asked me to come take a picture with the new quarterback.

- Oh. - You got a couple hot teachers over there.

Looks like someone's got some competition.

Those are both students.

Even better.

All right. I gotta get to my class.

Oh, look at that! Are you in Miss Henderson's old room?

- Yeah. - Oh, man.

You know, she was my favorite teacher.

Of course. 'Cause instead of teaching us about World War II,

she just put on Saving Private Ryan, sat at her desk,

drank out of her "water bottle."

I don't know who won World War II, but I know we got Matt Damon back.

Hey. You better get in there.

You know, if the teacher's not in the room in the first five minutes,

the whole class gets to go home.

Wasn't a thing then, not a thing now.

Oh, and, uh, we beat the Germans.

Yeah, nice try. I know that was World War I.

- Hey, Colt. - Hey.

Check out these new teachers?

Actually, they're students.

Whoa.

Thanks for the heads-up.

You think they're seniors?

Here he is.

Bennett. Long time no see.

Hey, Coach Fitz.

Have you met Josh? He's gonna take us to our next State Championship.

- Hey. Nice to meet you, bud. - You, too.

You're the reason I started playing football, sir.

"Sir"?

Come on, save "sir" for when you meet your girlfriend's dad

or you're getting pulled over for your first DUI.

Good advice, Colt.

You know, my dad taped over my first birthday party

- to record your State Championship game. - Oh.

You remember that last play?

Nah, not really.

Seven seconds left. Down by three.

On the other team's 20. I'm staring at a cover two defense.

This hot chick in the second row just going to town on a corn dog.

This guy... wants me to play it safe.

Get a few yards, so he can put the kicker in and tie the game.