Loose Cannons

Shh! Quiet.

Listen. Listen.

Shit, this is scary.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ!

They've gone. Let's go.

No.

Listen. Listen.

They are coming back down.

Oh, God.

Steckler...

Steckler...

It's him!

It's him!

Who?

Oh, my God.

What's he doing in this country?

Oh, Steckler, why don't you talk to me?

I know you're out there, Steckler.

Steckler, what's going on?

You have stolen something from us, Steckler.

I've come a long way to get it back.

Return it and we will be good friends again.

Jawohl, Steckler?

Oh, by the way, Steckler...

that first little sale you arranged,

we had to cancel that.

That lovely agent from the German government

was very upset with you,

when you double-crossed him.

I think he would have killed you,

so we killed him instead.

We cut off his head.

Oh, God!

Steckler...

Pull over.

We'll chew the fat a little.

Oh, God!

What are you doing? Stop!

No! No!

Nein!

Halt! Steckler!

Halt!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No.

No! Please!

Shut up, you sex fiends!

Ma'am, what do you want us to do?

Arrest them.

You're the vice squad.

It's not against the law.

You horse!

You big horse!

Oh, you moose!

Oh, you elephant!

She's got the Wild Kingdom in there.

What are you going to do?

I think we ought to sell tickets.

Hey, hey! You guys cops?

Are you going to do something about

Mae West and Harry Reems in there?

Every night, humpety-hump, sloshety-slosh.

I feel like I'm living in a Pussycat Theater.

Stuff a sock in it, you degenerate!

Jesus Christ, every fucking night!

Goddamn!

Change coats with me.

Get away from that door.

You'll catch something.

Sir, I'm Dr. Ballsup

from the District of Columbia Health Department.

This is a spot check, sir.

Hi. I'm Dr. Ballsup from the Health Department.

You are wearing a condom at this time,

are you not, sir? Condom?

Uh, well, no.

I left it at home on the dresser.

Oh, well, we've heard that before.

I'm afraid I'll have to cite you

under D.C. Statute 3086942-64.

Is this a joke?

No, ma'am.

Safe sex in the '80s is no joke.

Officer Delaney, do you have any of those

"indiscriminate copulation" citation forms?

Uh...

You know, I'm fresh out.

Well, it has been a busy week--

The orgy, yes.

Come on, fellas, give me a break.

My wife lost her job.

My kid's been sick.

Sir, have you ever been cited

for D.C. Ordinance 9--

30869...42-64?

No, sirs. Never. Swear to God.

Look, I always carry one in my wallet.

I just used the last one.

See, there's the indentation.

He's correct about the indentation.

Yes, I see.

Give him a break.

Okay.

Well, since we don't have the proper forms

and this is your first offense,

I'll let you off with a warning,

but I'm going to ask you to cease and desist,

until such time as you have obtained

another condom, okay?

Now, please, sir,

let's all practice safe sex, shall we?

It's for your safety as well as for ours.

Have a nice night.

Keep your nose clean.

Stern, you're crazier than they said you were.

Hey, Stern, wait up.

I got a message from the captain.

Send a singing telegram.

Well, well--

MacArthur Stern, supercop.

How's things out on the sleaze patrol?

Boy, the gaudier the cop, the snappier the patter.

What's on your mind, Weskit,

besides stale material?

You know what you guys in vice ought to do?

Every time you bust a whore,

you ought to paint a tit on the side of your car

to keep score.

Oh, Weskit, I don't want to use the five points of IQ

it would take to have a battle of wits with you.

Now, what the hell do you want?

Captain's bringing you back to homicide.

You've got a briefing in the morning at 8:00 A.M.

The porno murders.

Yeah, you being an expert in the field.

I give you three days,

and then you're back in the toilet.

Who am I partnered with? Anybody I know?

You kidding?

Nobody you know will work with you.

Anyway, you're going to love this guy.

What's so funny?

So this is the old Woody you were always working on.

Yeah. It's beautiful.

Looks like a diner I used to eat in.

Hey. You know what this car represents?

What do you think? I'm ignorant?

I read that psychology crap.

It represents your dick.

What? That's right.

An automobile represents a man's dick.

It's an extension of your penis.

This Woody represents what you want your dick to be.

Actually, I think you're flattering yourself.

You ought to be driving a compact.

A Hyundai or something like that.

You're disgusting, Weskit.

This doesn't represent my dick.

It represents order. Order?

That's right, order.

When I slide this key into that ignition,

and I hear that engine purr,

I know there's order in the universe.

There's continuity.

There's a continuum.

Do you know what I mean?

That's some deep shit, Stern.

I give you two days.

Maybe one.

One day. One day.

You should write a book, Weskit.

Me and My Lobotomy.

All right. All right.

Ellis!

Ellis!

I just talked to the captain.

He said if you're ready, he is.

Are you ready, Ellis?

You're the doctor.

Clinically, I think you're ready.

I want to know what you feel.

I'm as sane as most people.

You'll have to face violence again,

if you're going into police work.

You know that.

I know.

We discussed that. We dealt with it.

If I have to, I have to, and I will.

Just don't be afraid to fail.

Failure and recovery

is the natural order of things.

Don't worry about me, Father.

I'll be fine.

I haven't had a fragmentary episode

in months.

You're right, absolutely.

You're the sanest person I know.

Actually, that's not very encouraging,

coming from you.

You're a psychiatrist.