Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life

When you're in your 20s, disputes with your landlord

can land you in some pretty compromising situations!

My contacts are fusing to my eyeballs!

Also, we're gonna die, aren't we?!

Probably, yeah!

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

_

I know I've said this before, but I mean it this time...

- no more tequila, ever. - _

What? No.

But tequila makes you break dance

and talk in a bad British accent.

: My accent is bloody brilliant.

I could literally talk like this all day.

: That's not even close.

Okay, well, good night...

pal.

Yeah. See you tomorrow...

buddy.

Quick question: How are we gonna deal with

the incredible amount of sexual tension between us?

We are going to ignore it.

Can you just admit that the kiss we had

at the Clippers game was unbelievable.

I've never been to a Clippers game.

Fine.

We don't have to talk about it.

All right, fine, I admit it.

The kiss was amazing.

I'm just scared that if we try it again,

that same magic's not gonna be there.

Sure. It's like watching The Goonies again when you're 20.

Right, I don't know what that means.

But I think,

instead of trying to recreate it,

we should just be grateful for that moment

and move on.

Or...

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

Wow, this is really happening, huh?

Feels so right.

Oh. Something's touching my leg.

I feel like it's less romantic if we call it out.

God, no.

It's your stupid pet pig, James Franco.

You guys treat him like a human being.

We know he's an animal, all right?

Brush your teeth, James Franco, or no Fallon!

Come on.

Now...

where were we?

I know I've said this before,

but I mean it this time.

Vodka is delicious.

: Barry, code black! I repeat, code black!

But code black means that Cooper and Kelly

are about to have se... (gasps)

...gregated washrooms.

Saved it.

What's up, guys? What's crack-a-lacking?

- Go away. - That's a weird code.

Go to the room, use the bathroom.

All right, now...

where were we?

Is something wrong?

Yes! It's the pig, two roommates,

one functioning wall outlet

and a giant patch of black mold on the ceiling.

Oh, that's not black mold...

we had an electrical fire.

Which killed the black mold.

Cooper, this apartment is killing my lady boner.

- What? - I think you need to call Virgil

- and get some repairs. - Absolutely not.

I mean, sure, he's not the best landlord,

but our rent is cheap and he lets us keep James Franco,

so I'm not gonna rock the boat over some minor repairs.

Now...

- (loud crackling) - (gasps)

Now, where were we?

What?

Hey, Virgil. - Hi.

How's everyone's favorite landlord?

I'm not here.

Okay, well, when you are here, can you leave you a message?

Hey, Virgil, there's something wrong with our apartment,

and we'd really appreciate it if you just came down and...

Hey, are those my headphones?

No proof.

They say "Neal" on the side.

I had them custom made,

but the package never got delivered.

"Neal" is foreign brand. Very big.

- Is that my shirt? - Lies.

Oh, hold on. Lies, my ass, okay?

It's three sizes too big

and it has the face of Santa Claus on it.

That's Frederick Douglass.

The face of Frederick Douglass.

I wear as a nightgown.

Look, look, Virgil, a giant tree just fell into our apartment.

Okay.

What tree?

This gigantic tree was not here when we moved in.

This is two bedroom, one tree, always.

Well, in that case, that's on us.

Look, are you gonna fix the apartment or not?

How do I know you did not put tree here, hmm?

Uh, because if we put a tree in here, it would be oak,

not this tacky pine.

Oh, come on, I know you kids

and your parties with your trees.

Perverts.

This is exactly why everyone in the building

thinks you're a horrible landlord.

Who else thinks bad of Virgil, hmm?

Nobody.

Was it Kelly?

Yes. - Yes, it was Kelly. That is correct

- (growling) Yep, you're right on the nose.

Hey!

If you refuse to fix our apartment,

we will take legal action.

: Oh, no, I am scared like a girl.

Well, you should be scared like girl.

Just so happens, my brother is the most feared,

most dangerous real estate attorney in all Los Angeles.

That sounds like the worst TV show ever.

I disagree. It could be called Lethal Escrow.

Guys.

I fear nothing but rejection from film festival.

You don't have a leg to stand on, Virgil. We have a lease.

This is literally the worst lease I've ever seen in my life.

Uh, you mind if I make a copy of this?

The boys at the office are gonna love it.

There's got to be something in there

that makes him responsible for the tree.

No, but there's a hell of a lot of other stuff.

Like a 3:00 a.m. curfew for any adult male cat.

He gets Prima Nocta

on any new showerheads.

That's actually a good idea.

There's something in here that just says, "No Thanksgiving."

Oh, in two years, everyone has to

pitch in and take care of Virgil's Uncle Gohar.

Oh, I knew about Uncle Gohar.

If we don't take care of the older generation, who will?

I can't believe you guys dragged me into this.

I had to rinse my hair with bottled water.

And, yes, we agree it looks fantastic,

but it was really expensive.

Josh, what can we do?

I don't know, buy a cheaper brand of water.

About the lease.

Cut a deal. It's your only option.

Come on, guys, just say it.

I'm not doing it. - Come on.

Let's just say it so we can start.

Virgil is the best landlord ever.

All other landlords will perish at his feet.

Negotiations may begin.

What'll it take for you to get rid of our tree?

And fix my water?

I will fix all the problems if...

Kelly and I switch apartments.

- NEAL, COOPER, BARRY: Done. - Um, excuse me, no.

My apartment is three times the size of yours.

- No, think of another option. Fine.

If you three give up pig.

Done.

Virgil is the worst landlord ever,

and I'm including Donald Sterling.

You guys are getting rid of that pig, right?

You seriously expect us

to kick a 300-pound pig out of our place

when you can easily move into an apartment

that's one-third the size of your current apartment?

I know you guys love that pig.

Don't you think it's time to grow up a little?

Whoa!

Since when did you become the security guard at Sunglass Hut?

Terrance is really bossy, and he talks down to me

all the time, and I don't appreciate it.

Bottom line is, we're not giving up of James Franco.

All right, well, I'm not giving up my apartment.

Here's the thing, though... I can shower at the gym.

You guys got to live with a giant tree in your living room.

Okay, I think you'd be surprised by what we can live with.

Oh, hey, Kelly.

- Hey! - Oh, hey!

We're just chilling in our perfectly livable apartment.

Want me to cut you a seat?

Hey, Barry, could you pass me the cream, please?

Oh, yeah. No problem.

You know, this tree is the best thing that's ever