Lavalantula

Mr. Zander, former Green Beret.

Medal of Honor recipient.

CIA operative.

former head of the Black Cobra Mercenary Society.

I thought you would have been a bigger challenge,

but what a disappointment you are.

You're beginning to sound like my father.

Is there anything you would like to tell us now?

Yeah.

I want to thank you.

You just saved me 1.500 bucks in a root canal.

Heh.

Joke.

Don't misunderstand me.

I find you very funny,

but I'm done with you and your jokes.

So tell me, Mr. Zander,

do you have any final words

before I remove your head from your body?

Yeah, I do.

Nice leg.

Aah! Aah!

Sayonara, amigos.

Cut!

Cut! Cut!

Darren, where are you? Where are you?

I-Is this how you take care of me?

It was supposed to be taken care of.

What happened?

Sorry. It just malfunctioned.

My bad, baby. My bad.

Malfunctioned? My bad.

Wait. This is smoke.

How could smoke not function?

No. We don't use smoke anymore.

No, no, no.

No, no. "Red Rocket" was smoke.

That was whoosh. This is different. This is wheesh.

This is liquid nitrogen, new formula,

and it's safe until it explodes.

Nitrogen? Are you kidding me? Yes.

This is a chemical. This can't be good for my body.

Oh, baby, you look fabulous.

Yeah, man. You really do look fabulous.

Let's move on to scene 87. Sorry, boss.

Let's get the green screen lit.

Let's get Colton in his new wardrobe.

87? Hold on. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Darren, I'm not doing 87.

I'm wrapped. I can't do this.

We have to do scene 87. I need you

in the scene with the bugs.

What bugs? I hate bugs.

I can't do a bug movie. I'm not doing...

It's so funny that you say that,

because you're in a bug movie right now.

That's what's happening. I'm in a bug movie?

When did this become a bug movie?

It became a bug movie when the writer put his fingers on the keyboard.

Excuse me. I hope she's a good friend of yours,

because you just got her fired.

Hit that with something heavy.

If I see that near your face,

your face is in the unemployment office.

What page is there a bug movie?

What page? Did you read the script?

Yeah, I looked it over.

What do you mean you looked it over?

Did you put it on a coffee table and look at it,

or did you read it? I read most of it, Darren.

Come on. We're done here. We're not done.

We're not done. Oh, really?

Look, we're into four hours of overtime,

and you promised me I could take my kid to see his favorite team.

You promised me that you would be a team player on this shoot,

that I wouldn't have to put up with your crap this time.

I've been here for 16 hours choking on smoke.

How much more of a team player do you want?

Don't walk out that door. Really?

You're making a mistake. Really?

Thank you, Amber.

Oh, come on. Get bent.

Don't walk out that door, Colton.

Okay, you did. Now don't walk to your car.

Really? Okay, it's over for you if you do.

Over? Come on. Yeah.

We know each other 10 years. We're buddies.

10 years is nothing in this business.

I'm done with you. Oh, come on.

Look, Darren, you know the only reason

the producers put me in this

is to put my face on the video box.

On a video box? Did you just time-travel here from the nineties?

This is your problem.

You live in a world of car phones and fax machines.

You're living in the past.

"Red Rocket" was 20 years ago.

"Clown Cops" was 25 years ago.

You have to realize I only put you in this move as a favor to Arni.

I'm making a movie about giant cockroaches, okay?

It sells itself. It doesn't need this, not anymore.

Look, you don't have to say that. That's not really nice.

We're friends. Come on.

Not anymore. I'm done with you.

Come on, Darren.

I'm gonna see you tomorrow morning.

Not unless I'm down at the unemployment office, you won't.

Okay, bye, Colton.

Meg, get Arni on the phone.

A recent swarm of earthquakes

has been rocking Southern California.

Dr. Deckert Serbi is here to talk about what is happening.

Thank you for spending some time with us today, Doctor.

This is Colton.

You walked off the set?

Are you kidding me right now?

Are you kidding me, Arni?

It's a freaking cockroach movie.

He didn't read the script.

It's what's being offered.

It's $10.000 for one day's work,

and I had to beg to get it for you!

Well, you know what? They can keep the money, okay?

You know, I'm looking for something with integrity and respect.

Do you know that word, Arni? "Respect."

You know, I'm better than this crap.

No, you're not.

I promised them...

No, I swore to them you would be a mensch!

Nobody is more menschy than me. You know that.

Look, I just bailed you out of jail.

You were five seconds away from orange is the new ass in town.

They kept me four hours after my day, okay?

I don't care!

You owe me money, Colt!

Just turn your car around, please, and go to work!

Arni, I got another call.

No more bug movies.

Don't you hang up on me!

Don't! Don't!

Mother... Maggie!

Hi, honey.

Where the hell are you?

It's nice to hear your voice, too, sweetheart.

The game starts in 20 minutes.

Did you forget?

No. Honey, this is Los Angeles.

Nobody gets to a game before the fourth inning.

You know that.

Whatever. I'm out of here.

Uh, he's on... he's on his way, sweetheart.

I've heard it before.

Wyatt.

Great. He just walked out of the house.

What's with that kid?

He doesn't listen anymore.

Tell him the freeway's a parking lot.

I'm gonna get there as soon as I can.

You know what? You tell him.

Colton West is in the news again.

Why are you on TV?

According to law enforcement sources,

nineties movie star and action hero Colton West

was booked last night in Santa Monica

on charges of aggravated assault and resisting arrest.

I guess that's one way to get yourself back in the public eye.

What kind of trouble are you in now?

I don't know, honey. I really don't know.

You know what? I don't care.

Goodbye, Colton.

Whoa. Did you feel that?

Whoa!

We're having an earthquake.

Yeah, honey, are you okay?

Olivia, are you okay?

Whoa! You see that?!

Everybody take cover!

Aah!

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, answer.

Answer.

Reports are pouring in of an unprecedented

geological event occurring in Los Angeles.

How 'bout biological?

How 'bout volcanic, you moron?

This is a freaking apocalypse!

In a follow-up story, the Malibu bar fight

involving nineties movie star and action hero, Colton West,

who was made famous by his role as the Red Rocket

and made famous the expression, "Nice" anything.

Nice nose.

Nice tattoo. Yah!

Nice tentacle.

Eyewitnesses are now coming forward

to say that Colton West was in fact

trying to be a peacemaker.

If that in fact is the case,

then this reporter has one thing to say.

We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news.