Wrong Side Up (Příběhy obyčejného šílenství)

Last Monday, Prague airport witnessed a joyful event:

Dr. Fidel Castro arrived after a 10-hour flight.

The Cuban premier and General Secretary of the Communist Party

was welcomed by Czechoslovak Party members

and our president, Comrade Gustav Husak.

Dr. Castro delivered a message to our workers from the Cuban people

praising our success in building socialism and fighting for peace.

He stressed the need for love and understanding

between the Czechoslovak Socialist Republic and Cuba,

and the need to teach our socialist youth to fight world imperialism.

Then General Castro departed for Prague Castle, greeted by thousands

who took the opportunity to gather in the streets of the city.

When I was little, my Dad and I used to kill politicians.

We'd wave to them as they drove past on the way from the airport.

But as they came closer we'd shoot them.

I took it seriously.

Dad said if we shot all of them everything would turn out fine.

Produced by

Co-produced by

Supported by

A film by Petr Zelenka and his friends

Starring

WRONG SIDE UP

Hold up!

- This one's not here. - What'll we do with it?

Take it off.

- Is it part of the Italian shipment? - No.

- Those bar codes aren't much help. - Exactly.

Let's take a look at it.

Back in '83 we found a guy inside one of these. Alive.

He wanted to join his girlfriend in West Germany.

He'd have died if we hadn't found him.

- Why? - If you load him upside down he gets hyperemia of the brain.

But he'd also freeze to death.

- Know how cold it is up there? - No. - Incredibly cold.

Ever spent hours packed motionless in a crate like that?

- No. - It ain't no joke.

- So what happened to him? - Like I said, we saved him.

Then the police came for him and...

- There is another guaranteed way to win a woman back. - What?

Cut some of her hair and boil it in milk.

Then dry it and burn it with apple leaves.

Then scatter the ashes at the place you first met.

- Sounds like mumbo jumbo. - Yeah, but that's the recipe.

- You ever cut a woman's hair? - You have to be inconspicuous.

When she turns her back or is asleep.

A symbolic amount is enough.

Shouldn't I just buy her flowers?

- How long were you together? - Two years.

You better try the hair.

Hi, Jana. I don't want to bother you but...

- Hey! - Hi.

- Come on in. - No, I just... - Jana will be happy to see you.

I'm not so sure. I just brought her this video...

- Like a drink? - No thanks. I'm driving. - Oh, come on!

This is Petr. Michal, Ivana, Blanka...

Jarda, Vojta... this is Petr. He lived with Jana before I did.

Lukas, Veronika. This is Petr Hanek.

- He's a navigator at the airport. - Not any more...

Hey, everyone... this is Petr Hanek.

He works in the airport control tower.

Hi.

...I answered it and guess who it was? Jana!

She'd dialed wrong, but we got to talking and she invited me over.

And we made love that very night...

- Hi, Jana. - What are you doing?

I wanted to comb my hair... but the brush is too full.

Alex invited me in.

- Fine, but just promise not to drink. - Alex told me I should.

- Okay, but at least no games. - What games?

- Okay? - Sure.

Shrike, shrike shrike, shrike. Shrike, shrike: Penguin, penguin...

- Penguin, penguin pig, pig... - Pig, pig: Cow, cow...

Saying "cow, cow" doesn't make me a cow.

What are you looking at?

He works here. What else can he do?

- You're all the same idiots. - And you're so unique!

Hi, Jana! I was just thinking about you.

Petr, how could you do something like that?

- Like what? - The kids saw you.

- What kids? - Auntie's kids.

- Whose aunt's kids? - Alex's aunt's kids.

They saw you go into her room and cut off her hair.

- Petr? - I'd never do that.

She's on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I've been feeling down lately too...

That's got nothing to do with it!

She wants to sue you. You really screwed up this time.

You'd better come straighten things out.

I'm such an idiot!

Mom?

- Hi, Petr. Are you busy? - Hi. I'm on the tarmac.

- Where? - The tarmac. I'm working.

- I'm calling about dad. - What's wrong?

- You should come say goodbye. - Is he going somewhere?

- Your father is dying. - What? Mom!

It's me, mom.

What's going on?

- Hi. - Hi.

Petr came to say goodbye.

- Are you going somewhere? - No. - I told him you were dying.

- Are you dying? - No.

- Why did you say that, mom? - What do you think a dying man looks like?

Not like that!

His brain is dying. He doesn't care about anything.

Not about the situation in Bosnia, not about the earthquake in Georgia.

All he cares about are his beer bubbles.

But otherwise he's perfectly normal.

- So I'm the bad one, eh? - Yeah...

This is the kind of effort it takes to get this family together.

- But you scared me to death! - You'd never visit us otherwise.

- Yes, I would. - No, you wouldn't. - Fine, I wouldn't. - Right!

I used to think he had Alzheimer's

but now I know it's senile dementia. I can tell by his pupils.

- She shines a flashlight in my eyes! - That's right, I do...

Senile dementia runs in your family. His father had it, too.

Remember how your grandpa used to make funny faces at you?

- No. - He was just kidding around. - Oh, yeah, kidding...

One day they found him running down the street in his underwear. Bow!

I can't even startle yourfather.

Not even when I jump out from behind a door...

I've tried it twice today already and nothing.

It's one of the symptoms of senile dementia.

And to think he used to be famous all over the country.

Bow! See? He wants to be startled but he just can't swing it.

You're not saying 'boo.' You're barking at him.

- What should I say? - Say boo!

Bow!

Not 'bow.' It's 'boo'! You sound like a dog.

- Boo! - Bow, wow...

- I have to go. - You don't like being here?

- I do. - Then stay.

- So, do you like it here or not? - Maybe not.

Exactly! You're 33 and you're going to end up just like your father.

He's so bad off he won't even dial me a phone number.

- A random number. - Any number!

- Why a random number? - Your mom thinks people will recognize my voice.

I bet him that if he dialed a totally random number

the person answering would recognize his voice from the old newsreels.

He had the voice of the age, heard at the movies everywhere.

- They'd think it was some pervert. - Stop making excuses.

- You can't be serious. - I think people will remember you.

- Then will you stop bugging me? - Sure. You and your bubbles.

Martin, is that you? Jerry's been run over!

- Jerry? - Our dog.

I was hoping you'd call. How could you just leave?

It's terrible with you gone. I'm so glad you called.

- Where are you? - At some apartment. - Do they recognize your voice?

- You're at her place... - Whose place? - That woman's.

Your voice always sounds funny when you call from there.

- Please come over. - I can't right now. - Can't what?

- You know I love you. - Yes. - Yes?!

- I really mean it. - Yeah. - Yeah what? Say something!

I've been feeling bad lately. I'm gonna swallow some pills.

- Don't... - Don't what?

- Say something nice. - What should I say?

- Tell me you love me. - Use that nice, deep voice of yours.

Say you love me, even if it isn't true. I need to hear it!

Just say one coherent sentence!

Alright... I love you.

- I love you too. - I have to go...

Bye.

See? That's your dad in a nutshell.

- Hi, Jana. - Hi. - I brought you these.

Thank you.

You went too far this time.

I apologize. Really, I'm sorry.

I was drunk and...

Shouldn't I be apologizing to Alex's aunt?

She's locked herself in her room and refuses to speak.

- What about the girls? - Alex had to take them away.

- What happened? - They couldn't stop laughing.

I brought the hair with me...

Maybe we could kind of implant it back on.

- Is that supposed to be funny? - Or I could get her a wig.

She's allergic to synthetic fibers.

You'll have to have a special wig made, and it'll cost you.

Fine.

- She also wants a public apology. - How public?

A notice in the newspapers.

- That'll cost you, too. - Fine.

Petr, I've been watching you for a long time now.

- And? - You should realize your jokes aren't funny any longer.

- But they're not jokes. - Then what are they?

- I'm doing it all to get you back. - Don't start!

Alex is obviously just a temporary replacement.

- He is not temporary! - What is he then?

We're getting married.

Taking a break or what?

This is all because I cut someone's hair?

Why shouldn't I marry someone I love and enjoy being with?

He's too dull for you. You need someone inspiring.

- Like you? - Yeah.

- You once left me at a gas station! - I was preoccupied.

We've already been through this. I came to apologize...

- But you didn't come back! - So it's all over.

It's been over for six months. And give me back my keys.

- Don't hold your breath about the wig. - Oh, but I will!

Go ahead.

- Hi. - Good evening.