Small Town, Big Story

‫Oh, my God. ‫The fairy chair is still here.

‫Aye, they call this circle ‫The Lucky Hoop.

‫- Yeah? ‫- I don't know why.

‫- You're a scut. Yeah. ‫- Me?

‫Not at all.

‫You are, though.

‫You're a right scut.

‫"Five, four, three, two, one!"

‫"Happy New Year!"

‫I suppose you went and organized ‫all this for me, did you?

‫New Millenium?

‫Fucking over it already. ‫There's too many trees.

‫You hot dope.

‫Easy, tiger!

‫God loves a trier.

‫Seamie!

‫Seamie, what the fuck is happening?

‫"Shit! ‫Stupid water!"

‫So, a lot of feedback on the script. ‫Some of it good.

‫"Well, I am excited."

‫"Kudos to Wendy ‫for optioning that book. Boy."

‫- "What a page-turner, huh?" ‫- It sure is a quick read.

‫"And where are we with locations?"

‫We're close. Yeah, we're ... ‫We're rounding third.

‫Europe's got a lot of options ‫as you'd expect with a historical piece.

‫"And we've yet to sign off on that ‫lakeside location in Ireland, is that right?"

‫We've narrowed it down ‫to two locations in the North West.

‫Seems to be a straight choice ‫between Drumban in the north and Boyle

‫which apparently ‫is more pleasant than it sounds.

‫I fly over to sign off ‫on the final location later today.

‫"Did I hear that your hometown ‫is still in the mix, Wendy?"

‫If they'll let me back in, sir.

‫Worth reminding everyone that ‫current tax incentives make Boyle

‫south of the border, the much ‫more attractive financial option.

‫"Pina colada? ‫Table 4?"

‫How's everything at home, sir?

‫"Oh, staying safe, Wendy. ‫Staying safe."

‫"You know, I'm hoping to get back ‫into the office very soon."

‫Yeah, I don't know what I would do ‫if my dog was immuno-compromised.

‫Kudos for keeping ‫your family safe.

‫Circling back to locations ‫I have some thoughts.

‫- Honestly, sir, I have no skin in the game. ‫- I think ...

‫I haven't been there ‫since I was a teenager

‫which is nearly a decade now.

‫"Well, be safe out there, Wendy."

‫You too, sir.

‫Don't let any books ‫drop on you.

‫"What, what ... ‫What was that?"

‫No, I was just ...

‫Okay, I'll check in from the road.

‫"Alright. ‫Signing off."

‫"The fuck?"

‫Fucker's in Fiji.

‫- Good luck. ‫- Thanks, Wendy.

‫One sec, Wendy.

‫- Look, I know you're on your way... ‫- Yet, here you are.

‫but I realize that this is a big step up ‫from your previous projects

‫and I think it goes without saying that ‫location is a very big, big decision.

‫So, it's important that we make it ‫with our heads, right, not our hearts?

‫- Does that make sense to you? ‫- It makes so much sense, Brad.

‫- Great! ‫- So, I'll assess both locations

‫on their merits, and then choose ‫the location that best suits our needs.

‫Well, if you're sure?

‫Do I sound unsure?

‫- I'll check in from the road. ‫- Okay.

‫These fucking stairs...

‫"Doors closing."

‫Do I sound unsure?

‫Do I sound unsure?

‫"It's television, so don't expect them ‫to tell you what really happened."

‫No offence, but why are they even ‫making a TV show about history anyway?

‫- Been there, done that. ‫- I don't think it's about history.

‫From what I've been told, it's about ‫myths and folklore, which is ...

‫Oh, same-same.

‫Not same-same, Brendan ‫history is the story of what happened to us

‫as best we know it.

‫Whereas myths ‫is the story we tell ourselves

‫when the history is too boring ‫or indeed too brutal to repeat.

‫We can learn from history ‫but you can't learn from fairytales.

‫I don't care if they cast me ‫as Queen Maeve

‫I'm not taking my top off for it.

‫I'll let them know.

‫"I can't imagine ‫any of this will matter, anyway."

‫"I'm sure they'll choose some ‫other stupid town to film their show in"

‫"which means we can keep ourselves ‫a little secret from the world."

‫Fuck!

‫Fecking, birds.

‫They are coming for you, doctor?

‫Do I owe them money, Betty?

‫If they come back ‫will you tell them I'm in Lanzarote?

‫They've waited forever to see you.

‫Well, maybe if my house calls ‫didn't take so long?

‫Will you follow the light ‫please, Mrs. Battles?

‫Miss Battles, please, doctor.

‫Mr. Battles has been making ‫the ground colder for thirty years now.

‫You're married, aren't you ...

‫Seamus. ‫Yeah, that's my name.

‫The wife has a name ‫of her own, no doubt.

‫And one of these days, by God ‫I swear, I'll learn it.

‫Your blood pressure's a little high.

‫Will you promise to take it easy ‫on the rowing machine?

‫Well, I've clearly been overindulging myself ‫with excessive masturbation, Séamus.

‫It's an issue I've struggled ‫with my whole life.

‫I might head off, so...

‫Cool enough, Seamie. ‫I'll walk you out.

‫Mere grains of sand are we, ‫floating uselessly through space and time.

‫Grains of sand ‫fighting over who's the wettest.

‫Right you are, Mammy.

‫No, thanks for making the house call. ‫I know we're out of the way.

‫- Did you pay the doctor, Barry? ‫- I did, Mammy.

‫I mean, that's not ‫really the way it works.

‫But don't worry ‫the doctor will be well taken care of.

‫That makes one of us, so...

‫She's some woman.

‫- Aye. ‫- I'll...

‫I'll see you on the pitch ‫later so, Seamie.

‫You will.

‫Thanks again for... ‫that.

‫God, you're a big family ‫for the masturbation, Barry.

‫We're so close!

‫- I'm not that close. ‫- What?

‫No, like, spatially. ‫Like, both of our faces are so close!

‫- Do you want to go first, or... ‫- No, you work away.

‫I've only Year 2 ‫Boston Tea Party shit.

‫Do you need a hand, or...

‫I'm sure I'll manage.

‫- "Carol Chapman." ‫- "Yeah."

‫"Tony Lombardi ‫did I tell you about Tony?"

‫Yeah, I know, Mum. I'm totally ‫caught up with who died this year.

‫"Oh, from my texts?"

‫- Oh, my ride's here. ‫- "Okay, Wendy."

‫"I'll call the same time next week."

‫"Apparently, Geena Lopez ‫is on her last legs."

‫No, Mum, I'm going to be ‫in Ireland for the next month

‫remember, for the show?

‫- "Oh." ‫- The time difference is a bit funky

‫so I might be a little quiet.

‫"Are you sure ‫you're ready to go back?"

‫- "B is for border." ‫- "We're right by it."

‫Yeah, I am.

‫It's work.

‫They'll make fun of my silly new ways ‫I'll make fun of theirs.

‫It'll be a hoot.

‫"Will it, I'd rather be ‫with Tony Lombardi."

‫The neighbors are going to watch Wanda ‫so obviously she's been giving me

‫the silent treatment all day.

‫"You think you'll see ‫your father and what's-her-tits?"

‫Yeah, I might try to swing by.

‫"Well, that sounds stressful as fuck."

‫"Don't drink too much."

‫I don't drink too much, Mum.

‫"And don't smoke too much."

‫Got to go. ‫I love you.

‫"I could come with you?"

‫- "Wendy?" ‫- Bye bye.

‫Bitch!

‫Watch it!

‫Sophie!

‫Been meaning to ask how your young ‫ones are coming along, Seamie?

‫Well, you know those plans ‫we had for the clubhouse trophy room?

‫Trophy room?

‫I'd ditch the idea of building an extension ‫is all I'm saying.

‫Oh, not the most talented footballers?

‫- I have a theory. ‫- I don't think we even have a trophy shelf.

‫These lads and lasses were ‫all born in the year 2007

‫when we had an awful issue ‫with the local water supply.

‫The contamination ‫at the reservoir?

‫This is where my theory comes in ‫with regards to the kids out there

‫and their allergic reaction ‫to kicking a ball straight.

‫You think dead sheep water ‫is to blame, doctor?

‫Well, it's certainly ‫not the coaching, Barry.

‫God forbid.

‫Fuck!

‫Why are they switching the lights on?

‫Trust me, there's nothing worth ‫illuminating on that pitch.

‫Alright ‫same time next week.

‫We'll try again, and fail better.

‫Did you hear the news ‫about the TV production?

‫Huh?

‫The last I heard, we were among a bunch ‫of small towns, parading ourselves around

‫like some kind of rural ‫beauty queens

‫looking for one last spin ‫on the dancefloor.

‫Well, we're down ‫to the last two beauty queens.

‫Well, we must ‫invest in a giant sash.

‫Well, speaking of sashes

‫McCurdle has called ‫a strategy meeting tonight.

‫Well, then the opera ‫shall have to wait.

‫To the White Ridge it is!

‫Come on, Barry! ‫You're it!

‫- It's your move. ‫- I know.

‫"We have Joyce replenishing ‫the flowerbeds twice-weekly now."

‫"And when they had ‫their last location scout"

‫we had the walking club write ‫welcome in sticks down by the river.

‫- Ooh, aye, I saw that. ‫- Nice, sticks.

‫- That's a nice touch Barbara ‫- It feels like...

‫it's just a waiting game now, Seamie.

‫It's all about the tax breaks.

‫If they go for a town south ‫of the border, it'll be Boyle.

‫- Gem of a town, that. ‫- Aye.

‫And if they go for a town north ‫of the border, it'll be us.