Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special

- Hello? - Lord Boltron.

Adam Scott, my best friend.

Hey, I've got two words for you, bro: Vegas, baby!

Las Vegas.

Strippers, shots, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.

Sorry, Adam, no can do tonight.

All righty, then... Reno, baby!

Cheaper strippers, cheaper shots, two Bubba Gumps.

Not gonna happen, kemosabe.

Okay, well, Bakersfield, baby? Santa Fe? Cincinnati?

- What's going on, bro? - It's Valentine's Day.

Man, what is it with you and Valentine's Day?

Why do you care so much about this stupid holiday?

"Why," you ask?

You down there! What are you singing about?

- Christmas, of course! - Why? It's February!

- Ha ha ha! - Ah!

- Ho ho ho! - Santa!

Come here, you big bowl of jelly.

Good to see you, my boy. Michael, I need your help.

Something got into the elves this year, and they made way too many toys.

- So, you want me to kill the elves. - He's got a gun!

What? No! There's too many toys, so we need more babies to give them to.

Seventy-five thousand, to be exact.

Well, what do you want me to do, put out another sexy single?

I fear that may not be enough.

I need you to make a Valentine's Day special,

a production so sexy

that people around the world will be compelled to make love.

And ten months from now, there'll be 75,000 new babies,

and Christmas will be saved!

Thy will be done, Kris.

It's Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special.

With special guests:

Maya Rudolph,

Kenny G,

Misty & Blair,

Casey Wilson,

chocolatier Peter Salanz,

Michael Fulton,

celebrity chef Chef Roy,

Baby Archer,

virtual reality expert Dr. Vince Harbert

and Santa Claus.

And now here's your host, Michael Bolton.

Hey, there. I'm Michael Bolton.

I've sold more than 75 million records

and topped the charts with nine number-one singles.

But more importantly,

I'm the undisputed king of Valentine's Day.

Thank you. Now let me show you where tonight's magic is gonna happen.

It's a little area of the set I like to call the "Love Nest."

Ah, yes. This is to my liking.

Designed by clinically insane Swedish architects

to encourage optimal lovemaking.

Slipper satin couch which comfortably seats up to four participants.

A well-stoked fire,

the lights of which will illuminate the sweat upon our writhing bodies.

A carcass of a dead animal,

as a sober reminder of the fact we're still alive.

Let's take it somewhere a touch more private, if you don't mind.

Ah, the boudoir. I love art, especially the naked stuff.

It makes me think of... sex.

I did that one myself at age nine. It still turns me on.

I hope you'll feel comfortable here.

Remember: Nothing's off limits in the Love Nest.

Except that room. That's the man cave.

That's for me and the boys to bro out.

It's got a mini-fridge and a kick-ass poster of a Lamborghini.

It's really cool. But like I said, off limits!

We'll be keeping track of how many babies are conceived tonight on our board.

We need your help to meet our goal of 75,000 new babies

by the end of the show,

or Christmas will be ruined.

Our operators are standing by to take your calls.

Tell them about your lovemaking experiences

or just ask them for tips.

If you want to have a guaranteed baby, tell the guy you're on the pill.

I'm glad to hear you just made love.

You did it! Congratulations! Yes!

Meanwhile, all night, our special guests

will be bringing down the house

with performances guaranteed to get you in the mood.

Oh, you're a polygamist? Oh... We can count on you for three?

Ha ha!

We've got three!

And now, to kick things off, a lovely song from a happy couple...

legendary duo Misty & Blair.

Thank you, Michael.

You know, Misty and I are so happy to be here to celebrate love

and to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.

How do we do it? I think you lovers out there can attest...

sometimes it takes a little compromise.

You've sung about pubes twice!

Hey! Hey! Stop it! You started out so sweet,

and now you're downright perverse.

Excuse me? I beg to differ.

No, we were perverse from the very beginning.

Yeah, that "red or blue" thing was actually a debate

about the color of our privates by the end of the night.

And the "little fight before going out for a bite,"

that was about whether to buy a bigger butt plug.

And I still think we need it.

Oh, you would just love that, wouldn't you?

- All right, get out of here! - My asshole is lonely.

Now let's check in with our board.

You're having trouble conceiving? Oh, I see.

You're having trouble conceiving the premise of this telethon.

I hope you're having a sexy time snuggled up with your special someone.

Go ahead, give them a little kiss right now.

I'll wait.

That's nice.

Now what you want to do is take your fingers and just put...

What is that sound?

It couldn't be.

Bolton.

Kenny G.

Surprised to see me?

Not as surprised as I am to see you still haven't cut your hair.

And I, in turn, am surprised that you have.

For in our locks lies the strength of Samson.

You were once a brave warrior in the tribe of Long Locksmen,

which is a thing!

That was a long time ago. I have forsaken that life.

I'm a Short-hair now.

You and so many others. Meat Loaf.

Billy Ray Cyrus.

All four dudes in Metallica.

Yanni hanging on by a fucking thread!

I'm doing a toot for each one of the dudes.

Yeah, I got that.

You betrayed your true nature,

and for that, I shall destroy you.

Fine. Let's do this.

Whoa! Chill! I meant with music, man. What is with you and the guns?

What gun?

I'm sorry. Can we stop? You just killed a cat.

I don't think so.

No, you threw your gun, then we heard a bang,

- and then a cat screamed. - No, you're mistaken.

I can see cat blood all over the wall!

That was there before.

The wall covered in cat blood was there before?

Can I help you with something, Kenny?

Prepare yourself for the Duel of Kings.

May all mortals rejoice as we regale them with the music of the gods.

Not bad for a horn man.

Well, isn't that funny?

What started as a duel ended in a chill jam sesh.

They always do.

I'll take my leave of you.

But remember always the word of the Locksmen Prophecy:

"Only in your darkest hour shall your locks spring forth."

Cool. Well, see you later, Kenny.

Okay!

Assholes.

If you're looking for the perfect gift for your true love,

look no further than Custom Chocolatiers.

I paid a visit to their workshop in Solvang for a sneak-peek.

Custom Chocolatiers is a special place.

People like things personalized,

tailored to their own specific tastes. We can do that.

We do do that.

Why don't you tell me a little bit about your girlfriend,

and I'll use that information to design the perfect assortment?

Well, let's see. She's a bold woman. She's very strong, very passionate.