Melissa & Joey

"melissa & joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

- Thank you. - Thank you!

I gotta tell you, mrs. Beng, you snagged a real good one here.

This back massager I think is the steal of the whole yard sale.

Oh, and mel promised me that this one in particular

She only used on her back, so.

- Thank you. - Thank you!

I cannot believe the crap people bought.

Yeah, I can't believe the crap your aunt owns.

Mel: I heard that.

My stuff is not crap. It's vintage americana.

A singing bass?

You would not believe how funny that is when you're drunk.

-On life and friends.

Well, now that you've come down from your garage-sale high,

I got approached about running for the state senate next year.

I'm on a short list with three other people!

- It's a good thing we kept this. - ( beeps )

Awesome! Way to go!

- You're the best! - ( beeps )

Mmm, that must be what it sounds like in your head all the time.

It's pretty close.

That's great news about the senate thing, aunt mel,

But is it as great as this fantastic parade of presidents?

- Whoop! - We sold your ratty electric blanket,

Your lint lizard, your old nightstand, your lava lamp--

Whoa, back it up. My old nightstand?!

- To who? - Andrew, that dude down the street

With the porsche and the vaguely racist lawn jockeys.

But you emptied it out first before you gave it to him, right?

No, there was just some old junk in there: A couple of matchbooks--

Oh, and a videotape of the 2002 world series.

Spoiler alert: The angels won.

We were gonna toss it, but andrew said he was a fan of baseball,

- So he was psyched to have it. - Oh really?

Uh, ryder, I need you to do me a favor?

Um, I need you to sell this bass.

- Yeah. - What?

- Go door to door. - But how am I supposed to do that?

Just find a drunk who needs a good laugh.

How could you sell my nightstand?!

You told me to get rid of all your old junk.

Okay, that tape was not junk!

"world series" was code for a very personal,

Very private recorded moment

Between me and my then-boyfriend.

Ohhh, my goodness.

Wow, young burke made a little sex tape, huh?

No, I would never do anything like that.

It was a love tape.

How was I supposed to know "2002 world series, game seven"

- Was code for "sex tape"? - How could you not know?!

Did you really think I had an emotional connection to a baseball game?

You know, I was on the short list for state senate, joe!

Now that's over! Now that there's

A tape out there of me... Playing ball.

Voters don't really like that.

Honestly it depends on the demo. I think males 18 to 35

- Might actually vote for you, like, twice. - ( scoffs )

Ugh. This is the worst thing ever.

Hey, you know that convict I've been writing to?

New worst thing ever.

What convict? Need more details.

I told you, the guy from the nonprofit I'm volunteering at--

- "guilt-free." - that's about guys in jail?

I thought that was about non-fat cookies.

Innocent people languish in jail

Because of our corrupt judicial system!

We research their cases and write them letters of support.

Honey, can't you be more like me and meet guys in bars

Instead of behind them? What did this guy do?

He didn't do anything. That's what I came to tell you--

His case is being reviewed and they'll be able to prove he was wrongly accused.

Yeah? What was the choirboy charged with?

Pffft! Taking money from a bank.

You think bank robbery is "pffft"?!

At least it's not "pffft murder."

Barely any money was stolen. And none of it by devin.

Yeah? He's still guilty in the court of joe.

So no more letters to or from this guy.

Why do you hate justice so much?!

This is just great. My reputation is ruined

And lennox is going to be a prison wife.

Where-- where are you going?

Oh, I thought this would be a dandy time to get a pedicure and instagram a selfie.

I'm going to get my tape back!

- ( beeps ) - lennox's computer.

Hey, dude. Can you get lennox for me?

My lawyer gave me five minutes with his computer

And the guards get antsy if I go over.

Guards?

Ohh, you're the guy in the big house,

Up the river, slammer man.

How's it going, man?

- What are you doing on my computer?! - Oh, it was ringing.

And I wouldn't want you to miss a call from your friend...

- In prison. - You can't tell aunt mel and joe!

- Oh, can't I? - What if we just go into the kitchen

- And pretend this never happened? - Maybe I don't want to.

Come on, ryder, you and devin are kindred spirits.

Think about it: He was unjustly sentenced for a crime

And you were unfairly suspended for a crime.

- That's true. - Yeah, you guys are like brothers.

- Bad-ass brothers! - Yeah, we are.

And homies don't rat out homies.

Hey, guys? Guys?

- Anybody? - ( buzzes )

I only get to video chat like once a week.

Hold on, some barbie's begging for charity.

You got 60 seconds. I'm about to close a deal to buy a shopping mall.

Go!

Hey, it may be a little late,

But welcome to the neighborhood! I'm mel burke

- From down the street. - 55 seconds.

Okay, my nanny accidentally sold you a nightstand

And it's extremely sentimental to me.

I'd like to buy it back from you along with any contents therein.

I will even throw in this shiny new jackson.

It might help you with that mall deal.

Wait, I know you! You're that councilwoman

Who put in the speed bumps in front of the elementary school.

- Guilty as charged. - That was my shortcut home.

I drive a porsche and that street in front of the school

Was the only place in town I could really open her up.

But you see, while you lost your racetrack,

Others gained a more important public good:

Their young, innocent lives?

- See, the way democracy works is-- - oh, time's up!

We appreciate your views...

Mr. Bite me!

Well, I didn't get the tape back. My life is over.

You can sell the rest of the furniture and the house.

I'll just live in a box

Behind the supermarket with the rest of the sex perverts.

Relax, would you? Making a sex tape is hardly going to ruin your life.

Heck, a lot of people use it as a springboard

To move on to bigger and better things, like...

M-marrying rappers.

- Thanks for helping. - Look, this andrew guy

Is probably not gonna even watch that tape.

First of all, he'd have to find a v.C.R. To watch it on--

I mean that alone could take years.

The uncertainty is almost the worst part.

How can I live never knowing when the other boob might drop?

Hey, great news!

They're going to show your tape on tv.

What?! Already?

I just saw the promo. They're going to show the whole thing uncut,

Not just the highlights!

I'm just going to go take a nice warm bath

- With my toaster. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Ryder, what are you talking about? - Espn is rerunning

The 2002 world series. You know, the one you like so much.

Oh, the actual world series!

The one without all the close-ups! That's fantastic!

I knew you'd want to know.

Oh, this news is so exciting that I need to go drink alone.

Right after I record that baseball game. Ha ha!

- I rarely understand her. - Few do, yeah.

- So, joe, I've got a proposition for you. - Okay.

How 'bout we go halfsies on this

Vintage pinball machine I found on ebay?

You've been browsing the internet for antiques?

What, did you already go through all the porn?

No, this is actually really cool.

I played the same pinball machine in andrew's garage

When I moved the nightstand in there.

It's in his garage?

That's-- that's fantastic.

That's amazing. I have to go tell your aunt!

She's going to be so happy!

Something's going on in this house.

Hey, your problem is solved.

Oh, good, did you bring vodka?

'cause this wine is wussing out on the job.

No no, I know where the tape is. It's in the jerk's garage.

And you know what? You and I are going to steal it.

What? Steal it?! Are you crazy?!

- Do you have a better idea? - Yes!

We should set his garage on fire.

Oh, arson, that's great. What's plan "c," a drone strike?

Oh, I wonder if I can get my hands on a drone.

My dad still has some pull in d.C.

Yo, burke burke burke! Focus!

Okay, fine, if we're gonna break in, we have to do it at the right time.

- The guy can't be there if we're going to steal it. - Steal what?

Steal... Home.

We are just talking about that great game, you know,

Where the hitter-batter- runner-guy stole home.

- Someone stole home in the world series? - Well well, they--

They didn't exactly steal home. It was more that the--

The catcher allowed him to score.

Well, the catcher was young and naive

And didn't realize that the whole world would have a chance to see the big play.

That all sounds very exciting. Did he slide in head first?

I don't recall. Did he, mel?

I can't talk about it!

How did I miss this game?

Burke, okay, tonight is the night.

Really? But all my black sneaking-around clothes are in the wash.