Nurse Jackie

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

-Mommy! -Mommy!

I thought I'd swing by the hospital today, take you out to lunch.

Today's awful. Can I take a rain check?

It's been raining a lot lately.

Eddie, it's me. I really need to see you this morning.

So if you could just find me as soon as you get in, that'd be great.

Jacks.

-You rang? -My back is killing me.

-For the pain. -Thank you.

Family at home, boyfriend at work, making it back in time to be with husband...

Pretty impressive.

You have a little crush on Eddie?

Yeah, Coop. I have a huge crush on Eddie. We fuck every day at noon.

-How are we on time? -We're good. Just don't get fancy.

Zoey!

Mom, it's me, Fiona.

So she has a kid.

I cannot live with Coop holding this over my head.

If anyone knows how to drive him round the bend, it's you.

-You and I have amazing chemistry. -You are a moron.

I think that temp is on something.

I don't know what your deal is. We don't do that here.

Takes one to know one.

Your daughter Grace is experiencing signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

...just a bunch of fucking idiots.

We're the parents. We're going to decide what's best for her.

They're replacing me with a Pyxis.

They're going to replace you with a fucking robot pill machine?

Tylenol. Blow me.

Ring, Jacks.

Come on.

How are you going to explain a sawn-off wedding ring to Kevin?

I will think of something.

Is this for her broken finger?

Got a little surprise for you when you get off work.

Who is luckier than me?

-Hey. You open? -Come on in.

-Is that your wife? -Jackie.

I met Kevin. And that's a very nice boy you got.

You broke your own finger.

Mommy...

-Jacks. -I think you're a saint.

Every medication removed from the machine

will be traced back to your number, and shortages will not be tolerated.

-Hi. -Well, hello.

-I'm sorry. I'm married. -Yeah? Lucky guy.

Sorry. It's a little sunscreen.

Jackie Peyton bought me a card?

Maybe.

She actually wrote feelings down?

In cursive.

-Yeah. -I like you like this.

You brought soap? She brought soap.

Grace, honey, they're clean from the ocean.

Not really.

-What you got, Fi? -I don't know, but it's really good.

-Is it dead? -I think it's a head.

Yes, it looks like a raccoon head.

Don't, honey! Don't touch it. Do not touch it.

Can I see your phone?

-My phone? -We're going to take a picture.

All right. Knock yourself out.

-We need to mail it. Now. -We do? Right now?

All right. You're the boss.

-Fries? -Yes, four please.

I don't want fries. They're not wearing gloves.

Honey, it's okay.

-So four or... -Yes.

-Three fries. -Four... Okay, three.

Coke, you guys? Root beer?

-Coke. -Grace?

-Gracie? Coke? -Coke, please.

-I guess she's not talking to me. -Four Cokes.

It's getting a little old, that's all I'm saying.

Are you okay?

Jackie, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. A little too much sun, I think.

-You got beers, right? Hey, you got beer? -I will be with you in one minute.

Man, those fucking girls drink a lot.

-You mind? -I like the short one.

-She's got an ass like kaboom! -Easy, guys.

-We got kids here. -She's, like, one drink away.

Pop that thong and I'm in it, yo. Fuck!

Sorry. We got to go. We're going. Goodbye.

Don't fuck with her.

She's a mother!

-Was that a gunshot? -.22 caliber, I'm guessing.

-Shouldn't we... -Go out there and get shot? No.

Anybody hit? Security mobilized? Good.

-Where were we? -"Several questionable incidents."

Yes.

"Peripherally involved with several questionable incidents.

"Item, severed ear.

"Item, Neil Nutterman.

"Item, Bureau of Narcotic Enforcement."

No.

The emergency department of All Saints has been flagged by the state of New York.

And I have to ask myself, "What's different?"

Okay, but it's not me. I'm not what's different.

The Virgin Mary took one in the shoulder.

What's going on?

I was just telling Zoey here that the shrinkage rate of our Pill-O-Matix

has caught the attention of the state.

-What can I tell you? It's a robot. -This is unacceptable,

-not to mention expensive. -And illegal!

Which is why I've asked Nurse Jackie to talk to you today.

The theme for today is, this is not a candy machine, people.

Jackie.

Apparently, there's been a problem with shrinkage.

No! Not "apparently."

Go ahead, Jackie.

There's been a problem with shrinkage.

And, frankly, any shrinkage makes us all look bad,

-even if it's just Imodium. -And it's never just the Imodium, people.

Sorry. Proceed.

Okay, just so we are all on the same page.

Let's say you get an EDP, attending orders an H and A cocktail.

You enter your PIN number.

The machine will prompt you, patient ID. One two-milligram vial of Ativan.

The drawer pops open.

Machine says that there are 10 vials in the drawer.

Hit "Confirm." You take one vial.

Machine says nine vials remain. Hit "Confirm."

You do the same thing with the Haldol.

So when you were up there, I was watching everyone,

you know, like I do, and a lot of them look really guilty.

-You don't think it's me, do you? -Hey, Jackie!

-We'd like a moment alone. -No, we wouldn't. You can stay.

-House seats. Hair. Fourth row. -That's very impressive, Coop.

Right? Takes place in the '60s. Thought it might take you back.

Okay. Very nice.

-It'd be good for us to spend some time... -"Us"? What "us"? There is no "us."

I thought we got past this weeks ago.

You know, Jackie, this whole "Come here, go away" thing

-is exhausting me. I'm just trying... -There is no come here, it's all go away.

Go away, okay? Just go away.

What do I care?

Trying to do something nice for a nurse, who's a little bit older than me, by the way.

Okay, thanks a lot. I'm going to head back to work.

I bet Thor would buy those from you in a heartbeat.

I mean, if you were at all thinking of... My first perk!

What are we waiting on?

GSW. Four minutes. Really gruesome.

I don't know why she wanted to send it or why you like it, but there you have it.

Kindred spirits, Jacks.

I'm not really interested in any long drawn-out anything,

except to say that I am executive of my mother's estate

and, as such, it would mean the world if I could set up a college fund for the girls,

if for no other reason than taxes.

That's very generous, thank you, but you know it is not just up to me.

Fiona sent me a picture of a dead animal,

knowing full well it would be the highlight of my day.

-We're connected, Jacks. -Yes, there's no denying that, honey.

-That's all I'm asking, no strings attached. -Let me talk to Kevin.

Except, I get to be a godmother. Don't care which one.

-They already have godmothers. -Not giving up.

Ladies, this is Sam. He's our new RN. You remember. He was a temp here.

Yes, we remember him. Drug guy.

I thought there was a hiring freeze.

-No offense. -No, none taken.

I'm just totally grateful to be here.

Yeah, okay. Excuse us a minute.

You know I dismissed him because he was wacked out on benzos, right?

You do read my staffing reports.

He successfully completed a rehabilitation program.

I have a stack of glowing recommendations on my desk.

Not to mention he speaks three languages and he's a lot cheaper than you are.

You get what you pay for.

Mo-Mo was worth three times what you paid him.

And if the hospital is worried about nurses stealing drugs,

maybe you don't want to hire a nurse who's an addict?

-Former addict. -No such thing.

How you doing?

Don't get too comfortable.

New guy. Coop. High five.