White Famous

Hey!

Here's what's been happenin' on White Famous.

I'm making this movie about an African American attorney.

My mom's gonna be over the moon.

She's always wanted me to be an attorney so--

-No, you play the old woman. -Wait, what?

This very proud brown man is trying to make you

a very successful black man.

The goal has always been white famous.

Why do I have to be white famous?

-Oh, hell nah. -There a problem?

Do I look like the fucking valet to you?

-You have a baby? -Who's in the lead?

- Do you have a woman? -Got a baby mom.

You should be more worried about what next.

How about we open some wine and brainstorm,

and if it gets a little too late,

-we can have a sleepover. -No.

I happen to be producing a movie with Jamie Foxx.

Try this bitch on.

Floyd fucking Mooney.

You don't think you actually still have

a dick anymore, do you?

-Oh, no. - It's gone, nigga.

I ain't gonna be able to do it, Foxx.

Foxxy wants you in the movie, motherfucker.

Floyd.

That's a wrap for Floyd Mooney.

It's not because I prefer white women,

they're just easy to sleep with.

I would choose Puerto Rican,

but they're a headache.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Yes, yes, I'll meet her.

All right, I gotta go. I love you, bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.

Ye ye!

-You wrapped, motherfucker? -Thanks, Floyd.

Yeah, man, thank the Lord.

Ooh, the man with his first movie in the can!

-Come on, man, chill out. -How does it feel?

How does it feel?

Let's see, it feels like my first movie

pretty much fucked me in the can, raw dog,

-no lube, bloody stool. -Good work.

Wow, that is just disgusting to think about.

What are you talking about, bro?

Being on set is the goat.

It's the goat?

Yeah, being on set is awesome.

You just sit around all day

and they just take your funny shit,

and give it to the white guy,

and you can't see your girl,

and you sure as hell don't have time to do the one thing

that you're actually passionate about,

which is stand-up,

and the pay is surprisingly shitty,

so yeah, remind to fire my agent.

Yo, man, you gotta think

about the big picture, Floyd.

Baby steps, baby boy.

You read those scripts I sent you?

I read a few, I tried, man, but a lot of that shit

is like a dick punch to the soul.

Floyd!

You are a young, black buck who just finished

his first fucking movie in the middle of pilot season.

It's your time!

You gotta focus, son!

I need to breathe.

I wanna get back to my life.

I miss my kid. I miss Sadie.

Now, that I understand 'cause that woman

could make a dead man cum.

But that's not the point.

The point is you actually got some heat right now.

For the first time in recorded history,

I'm actually getting incoming calls

about your black ass.

So what you gotta do is help me

so we can capitalize on this

so we can figure out your next move.

-My next move is home, nigga. -

Why do you call me that, man?

You know I can't respond.

Sadie!

Hello?

Yo, yo!

Floyd!

Jesus, you scared the crap outta me, asshole!

I'm sorry.

You can't just walk in here whenever you want.

I can when you leave the front door unlocked.

I mean, you're practically begging to get molested.

You gotta get out, I gotta get dressed, get out.

-Are you sure? -Really.

-Really? -Out!

You look good.

So where's the boy?

Play date at Zoe's house.

Who that?

-What? -You haven't been around much.

That's not fair. I've been working my ass off.

Yeah, I understand that, but he's just a kid.

He misses his daddy.

Well, I'm here now,

and whatever y'all need, I got you.

Good, because we have an interview

-at Broken Arrow tomorrow. -What's that?

Just the private school I've been yakking

your ear off about for the past six months.

Sadie, you know how I feel about

all that private school shit!

You know how I feel about it!

I thought we both agreed we weren't gonna do

all the typical LA shit.

Well, it turns out there's a reason

people do all the typical LA shit.

Public schools are overcrowded.

Kids get lost.

But it prepares you for life.

Shit, if I wouldn't have been in public school so long,

I wouldn't be so fuckin' funny right now.

I was there, remember?

And if we have an opportunity

to give our kid a better education than we got,

isn't it our responsibility to make that happen?

Why you gotta go and get all sensible

and motherly about it?

You're right, you're always right.

I'm glad you think so.

Because you need to be there tomorrow.

If both parents aren't there,

they're not gonna take us seriously.

How much?

-Does it matter how much? -Yes! Yes, it matters.

You making all these snarky comments

about me not being around, now it sounds like you

want me to hit the road so I can pay for all this shit.

Floyd, you act like

you're the sole breadwinner around here.

Between the two of us, we can figure it out.

I'll be there.

Good, thank you.

You're welcome.

So, I'm back...

Yeah, I see that.

And I'm available for anything you need.

Anything.

You can take the garbage out.

Okay, yeah, yeah, I'll do it.

I'll do it, I'll do that for sure, my pleasure.

You know what, you could pick up Trevor from Zoe's house.

Maybe take him out to dinner, he'd love that.

Okay, all right, all right.

Well, after the trash and before the pick-up,

if there's anything else that needs tending to...

Floyd...

I know, I know, okay, okay, you're tired.

I'm a little wiped myself.

You know, maybe we should just, uh, I don't know,

cuddle and brush each other's hair.

I've been seeing someone.

-What?! Seriously? -Yeah, seriously.

What the fuck, Sadie?!

What the fuck what the fuck? We're not together, Floyd!

Sometimes, we're not together sometimes!

Moments of weakness!

You call them moments of weakness,

I call them dope as fuck!

Why you gotta drop it right now?

Damn, that shit is cold!

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I didn't wanna tell you over the phone or text it to you!

Oh, why, 'cause you think I couldn't handle it?

Thought I was gonna be heartbroken or some shit?

-No! -Get over yourself.

Hey, be nice before you say something you can't take back!

Maybe I don't wanna take it back!

Not only is there a snake slitherin' around

in my fuckin' garden, now she wants me to pay

for private school too, how 'bout them apples, Balls?

Yo, man, quit actin' out, man.

Fuck you talkin' 'bout, man?

Yo, take a moment.

Think about how you really feel

about this shit and express that.

I don't wanna hear none of your male bravado nonsense right now.

You know what?

Do better.

Look, you love this woman, she's a good girl,

great mama to your boy, she deserves to be happy.

Only you want her to be happy with you, man.

That's understandable, shit, the heart wants

what it wants, motherfucker.

But what if her heart isn't in the same place

as yours right now?

Look, you gotta make your peace with that shit, man,

or it'll eat you alive.