Such Brave Girls

This programme contains strong language, adult humour,

and some scenes of a sexual nature

PHONE ALERT, VIBRATES

PHONE ALERT, VIBRATES

Well, can you check it?

"Hello, Deb. Just in the toilets,

"thinking about you. Love, Dev."

Aww, he's sweet. Worth the effort from all of us.

Yes?

You said you have to keep your eyes shut when you have sex with him.

Yeah, I do, but he's got a massive house.

Massive.

Massive.

# I'm all the way up I swear you'll never bring me down

# Shout out to my ex... #

RADIO OFF

Sorry, I really can't handle sad music right now.

It's Little Mix. Yeah, exactly. Oh, God,

you're not going to have another one of your bloody episodes, are you?

I think it's already started.

Well, this time, can you try and not drag everyone

into your vortex of misery, please?

HEAVY THUD

Just get in the back, Josie.

ENGINE STARTS

Late. Good day?

Drive. I'm just going to let these kids go past.

Kill them.

DEB HUMS

What the fuck?

Is that Nicky? Who's he with? Look at her!

Look at her horrible eyebrows!

Wow, she's fit.

Oh, well, why don't you just finger her, then? Sorry.

I'm going to kill myself.

Don't let him see me!

You don't need to be so dramatic.

Oh, God. I'm going to be sick.

It's coming.

SHE RETCHES

It's fucking coming.

As a woman, you really shouldn't tie your self-esteem to a man.

I'm going to cut my wrists and send him a picture.

For God's sake. Josie, will you tell her?

Yeah, no, I actually tried that with Georgia.

I bled all the way from Crawley to Bristol,

and she didn't even offer

to pay for the Megabus back or anything.

Listen, girls, I know it's hard,

but as you get older, you'll learn to love with less of your heart.

Less and less,

until eventually there's nothing left any more. OK?

No.

You just haven't met "the one".

He's the love of my life.

Wash the blade first.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Now, remember, girls, be normal.

We like this one.

I'm going to call him Daddy. I'm going to call him Daddy,

but, like, only in a sexual way.

And, Josie, keep it light.

DOOR OPENS

Dev!

So it was at that point they put me on my mirtazapine.

Right?

Which actually, I think more like...

..masks the issue rather than dealing with the root cause of it,

if you get me. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I don't really feel any happier,

I just want to eat Frosties, literally, all the time.

Would you like to see my hospital pyjamas?

Uh...

Mum, she's talking about her mental health again.

Oh, for fuck's sake! Not to Dev!

Guess what colour they are.

Dinner is ready. Now.

Oh, lovely!

DEV CHUCKLES GENTLY

Don't you dare.

I shouldn't have to hide my depression.

And I shouldn't have to hide the stress shingles on my arse

with a Compeed, but we all make sacrifices.

LOUD GRINDING

P-FF-RT!

Costs more than my wine, that does.

Sorry.

P-FF-RRRT! P-FF-RT! P-FF-RT!

Pole with a flat blade used to row a boat.

Three, noble gas with the atomic number 86.

Anyone like a Mini Milk? Yeah.

Keep staring like that, and I will slit your throat in your bed.

Can I get a hand, please, Dev? Oh, of course.

Jose, I need to ask you something.

Yeah. And I need you to answer honestly.

OK. Seriously, even if it's something

that I'm not going to like. OK.

Do you think Nicky's moved on?

Yes. No, because he hasn't actually broken up with me,

that's the thing. He just asked for space.

Yeah, but I kind of feel like asking for space is just the thing you do

before accepting your relationship is dead.

What? Well, it's a bit like, um, you'd only have, like, leftovers

that you're never actually going to finish, so you just put them

in Tupperware and leave them in the fridge and they just go off in the fridge, right?

When really you should just put them straight in the bin.

It's a bit like that.

It's in the bin.

He's really not worth obsessing over. I'm not obsessed.

I just can't live without him.

Mm. I gave him everything. Mm.

I had sex with him literally all the time,

even when I really didn't want to.

Yeah. Yeah, cos that's what love is.

That's what love is. Yeah.

I'm going to go to his birthday party, win him back. I love that.

Yeah, you should definitely do that. He's obviously forgotten

I'm a ten and he's a two. Yeah, I think so. I've just got to remind him. Jose, we're soulmates.

Yeah. And if he doesn't take me back, I will kill myself.

Cool.

Do you want a strawberry or chocolate Mini Milk?

Strawberry, please. OK.

DEB BREATHES QUICKLY

That's it, that's it.

That's it.

DEB MOANS

Well?

Pudding's cancelled.

What's wrong? Sorry.

I'm not sure what's happened there. Hmm.

Do you want a beer?

Er, no, no.

I just brushed my teeth, so...

To be honest with you,

I think it might be something to do with Josie.

It's her face.

It's just...so sad.

Oh, that's just her personality.

Trust me, she likes being depressed.

Oh, well, it's put me off a bit.

Put me off my game.

Oh, all right.

See, a girl her age, it's not right and, er...

I'm not sure it's healthy to be round it.

See, Joe Rogan,

he says depression is contagious.

And I've just got too much on at work

to be...catching that.

Hmm?

Of course.

Could you just...?

Sorry. Thanks.

GOOD MORNING!

Time for work.

I don't think I'm up to it.

I'm just not creatively fulfilled in retail.

Josie, we've talked about this.

Work isn't about fulfilment, it's about earning money

so you can buy stuff that makes you FEEL fulfilled.

I think... No, no, stop.

Too much thinking.

No wonder you feel a bit sad.

Just have a cup of tea, pop some deodorant on and stop thinking.

But... Trust me. Stop thinking.

Do you see ME thinking?

No. It's not good for you.

Your brain is the enemy, so just stop.

And can you try and smile a bit more when you're with us?

Dev says he finds you a haunting presence,

and I'd prefer if his libido wasn't dragged down by your face.

There she is, ready for the big wide world.

DEB SNIFFS

Have you farted?

Well, I can't do it in MY room - Dev's in there.

Please don't make me go inside.

I think I'm having a panic attack.

Yeah. My tits feel really tight.

Do other people really just walk around pretending they're absolutely

fine when everything inside their head is on fire?

I genuinely think I'd rather be dead

than if I've got to spend the rest of my life smiling and pretending

like I'm someone else.

Get out of the fucking car.

Ah-ha! Found you!

You've been off for ages. Where you been?

Really shouldn't talk about it.

Methinks the girl is troubled.

I don't want to suck you into my vortex.

Come on. I've made a hot choccy and everything.

Talk to me.

OK, well, Mum's got this new boyfriend called Dev.

Right? And he's really nice and I really thought we were getting on.

But then, basically, Mum came in this morning and told me

that my face was actually preventing him

from being able to get an erection,

which is an issue cos he's got a massive house.

I think the problem was that I walked in on him

fingering her in the kitchen, bent over the toaster.

BREATHES SHAKILY

But I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable.