Malcolm in the Middle

Good night, honey.

Good night.

Oh, honey, please not tonight, it's freezing.

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# Life is unfair #

What do you think, more salt, more cilantro,

a little zing of Tabasco?

It's perfect, I can't taste any more.

OK, dips - creamy, salsa, crab and compote.

Chips - potato, corn, blue corn, sour cream and onion,

salt and vinegar, Kettle. Bait.

Is this why I didn't get a birthday present?

This is my first time hosting the poker game.

I want everything perfect - at least better than their stuff.

Oh, do you know Brian's daughter, Chandra? Yeah! Of course.

Brian's bringing her and a friend. Kristen? Ah, yes, something,

but Brian is playing poker so I need you two to entertain them.

Don't bother us. I want you and those girls

in your room, all night, got it?

There's your birthday present.

Who's Chandra? She's no-one to you, understood?

Set one foot in our room tonight - you're dead. Where am I supposed to go?

I don't care but if I see you tonight,

I'll charley horse every muscle in your body. But... Ow!

It disturbs me how much I enjoyed that. Don't make me do it again.

Hi, honey. Hello.

You're working late? Yeah, 10.30.

Good, something came up. I've got to have dinner with someone. Who?

No-one. It's just some old business, I don't want to talk about it, OK?

Can I help? No. I promise, I'll tell you everything when you get home.

OK. Thanks. He'll be gone by the time you get back.

Did you catch that "he" part?

Hey, Brian, how are you? They're here, get out.

Boys, I know you know Brian and you kids know each other. Yeah!

No. Anyway, entertain yourselves.

Your father and I have to conduct some business.

He has some of my money in his wallet. Bring it on!

May I take your wrap?

Just cos Dad dragged us to this dump doesn't mean we have to talk to you.

Show us where we can sit where we won't catch fleas.

I'm going to see what Dewey's doing. Hey.

You're Stevie, right?

Can we help you in?

I'm not... deaf.

Did you hear him breathe? Ah. Ah.

Did you hear the one about the astronaut and the hooker?

Yeah, I didn't get it.

Dewey, I told you to stay in your room.

But Reese said - This is man time, you can't be here.

How's the dip?

This is a sweet table. What is it? A 52-incher? Yes, sirree!

Nice, I've got the 54. But you don't have my built-in drink holders.

Or my extra padded leather around the edges.

You can play all night and not feel it in your wrist. This is nice, too.

How do you live with only three keys, I've got five. I've got nine.

Guys, guys, guys, do we have to do this every week?

You're right. So, er, how's the kids?

You're just asking so you can talk about yours. Why shouldn't I?

James has made captain of the wrestling team.

Stevie wrote a brand new program.

My daughter's essay won a trip to the White House.

Malcolm has an IQ of 165.

We know, you've been using that for six months.

Would you like something from the kitchen?

No,...

..thank you. He doesn't want anything.

Do you think they'll offer to change his diapers?

I can't believe Stevie's putting up with this. I'll take care of it.

Let me explain something. Stevie's no different than the rest of us.

He plays video games, he does chores around the house,

he goes to the movies with friends. He leads a completely normal life.

It's sad that he only has two months to live. What?

Stevie, they have a right to know.

Oh, my God, is it true?

I've been told...

..I'm very brave. Aw!

1.29 - that didn't beat Malik. So Malik wins the breath-holding.

Abe got the most dip on a chip. Trey has the longest neck.

Steve has the highest socks and Hal, well,... Hal has nothing, so far.

The doctors are baffled. Stevie's brain is too big for his head.

It's pressing up against his skull. He only has two months before it explodes.

It's called encephalo...

neurop... er,... litis.

How horrible!

What do you think you're doing? Helping Stevie.

It's weird but it feels good. I like being the hero.

You're pimping a fatal disease to take advantage of a girl! For good.

Stevie, this is so unfair.

I have... no regrets.

Well,... one.

Old business, what do you think that means? I dunno.

An old boyfriend? I have no idea.

Those old relationships can really get a hold on you.

What's up with her ex-husband? He's still in jail. Didn't his parole just come up?

I dunno, maybe. She'll tell me about it tonight. Man, I really admire your maturity.

Thank you. I'm the opposite, I over-analyse everything -

like how Piama didn't kiss you goodbye,

or her ex-husband being locked up without a woman for five years.

That's what's wrong with me, one suspicious conversation

and I'm picturing sweaty bodies rolling around in front of a fire.

God, I've got a lot of growing up to do.

What are you doing here?

You've kicked me out of my room. I've nowhere to go. Not my problem.

I don't want to hear you cry, it's a real mood killer.

Thanks, this light's much better for his eyes.

The music... helps regulate... my heartbeat.

I've got to call his vitals in to the doctor.

# "I'll Never Break Your Heart" - Backstreet Boys

Missing something? What did you do with it?

What are you doing with a gun? Give it back.

No! You don't bring a gun into this house.

Where is it? This is where my family lives. You don't even know them.

What the hell is wrong with you? Tell me where it is.

No way. It's not mine, it's my boyfriend's.

His parents search his room. Well, they should, he's got a gun.

Tell me where it is. No.

It's not even mine.

Ooh! Do you have anything in this house that isn't junk? No.

Oh, damn! Ahh!

Who can stuff the most pretzels in their mouth?

OK, who can throw a potato chip the farthest?

I've never met anyone who was gonna die.

We're all dying...

I'm just...

..going... before Thanksgiving.

That's terrible. It makes me...

..appreciate...

..the time... I have.

Wow! That's beautiful.

You're so... alive.

Can I... tongue-kiss you?

What? I'm sorry... The pressure... on my brain.

Aghh, aghhh. Ohhh, you poor baby!

What are you doing here? What do you think? Go pee outside.

Oh, for God's sake.

Out.

"At the tone the time will be 8.22 and 30 seconds."

"(BEEP)" Right to the millisecond.

I'm two seconds off. I'm three. Same here.