A Good Marriage

I fled him down the nights and down the days.

I fled him down the arches of the years.

I fled him down the labyrinthine ways of my own mind.

And in the mist of tears, I hid from him,

and under running laughter.

Come on, Darcy!

- Come on, babe, let's go for it! - Go for it, Mom, go for it!

Is she hot or what? For an older chick, I mean.

You talk too much.

What can I get for you?

So, what's up with the advertising genius?

- We got our first client last week. - Wonderful!

Yeah, it's the biggest car dealership in Cleveland.

They want a new approach. Something that skews younger, so...

- You waited all night to tell us this? - I'm sorry.

Ben, wonderful!

That's amazing. That's amazing, you two kids...

I mean three kids.

Just coming all this way just to party with the old folks. It's just...

Mom, are you okay?

I'm sorry, just... I think I do need to go powder my nose after all.

You're the best. You're so lucky.

Got a good man, good...

couple of kids, and you even still got your figure.

Your figure is fine, Betty. Bob certainly noticed.

My mother would say, "Count your blessings, babe."

Oh, I do. I do.

You know that guy Beadie? Over in New Hampshire?

He got another one. A gay divorcee, like me.

- What do you mean? The... - Yeah.

The news anchor on channel eight? You know, the really cute one?

He said it makes it an even dozen.

She was tortured.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

- I'm drunk. - That's okay.

- Go back to your family. - Okay, are you okay?

Yeah. I just need a little more time by myself.

Alright, I'll see you later. Okay.

I was going to save this until later, but...

Happy anniversary, Mrs. Anderson.

You're a Pisces.

Oh, my God, Bobby, they're beautiful!

They're beautiful, thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, cut it out. Just save that for later. Save it for later.

Let me try them on.

There. Now, how do they look?

They were made for you, hon.

- Would you hold that? - Yes.

And we'd better get back in there. They're gonna think we got a room.

Honestly speaking, I wouldn't mind.

Alright, ladies and germs,

what we have here is the best accountant in our little company.

In the same vein...

Best damn accountant in the US of A!

And you want to know why? You want to know why? Because he's careful...

Okay, because he checks his work...

And look out IRS, because when he has to,

he covers his tracks.

Enjoy!

Thank you for this.

Hi. I just wanted to thank everybody for coming tonight,

and just take a minute of your time.

When Donnie and I decided to have this party,

it was really as a way of saying thank you to our parents.

For your love and support and for putting up with us for the past 25 years.

But really, to thank them for their love

and their respect and their devotion to each other.

Through hard work and a little help from their kids...

and lots of love.

My parents have created something very rare.

A good marriage.

We love you guys.

- Well, got the house to ourselves. - Yes.

We do.

Am I gonna get lucky tonight?

Well, if you bring me some fizzy water...

to settle my stomach a little.

You just might.

- Oh, I want you to be on top. - Well, we'll see.

Here I come, ready or not!

Yeah, well hopefully we both will.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bob...

Are you my bad, bad girl?

- Are you my naughty boy? - I am. I can't help it.

I'm powerless over my nature.

I hope you're not powerless over the long list of honeydews

I have for year 26, Mr. Anderson.

Come on over here, you naughty little boy.

That was terrific.

Good.

Happy anniversary, you naughty little boy.

Yay!

Okay.

A 1955 double-dye wheat penny.

Robert Anderson's great white whale.

Christ. Is that uncirculated?

No, but better than good. I'd call it VG.

I found it on yesterday's pennies from heaven blog.

The guy who owns it has it listed for like, I don't know, $15,000, which is ridiculous,

but I think I could get it for 9.

Let me buy it for you. Let me, an anniversary present.

- Like your fish earrings. Yes! - No... No, no, no, no.

- Those fish earrings didn't cost $9,000. - No, I know, but I want to.

Oh, no...

It's not the... look... look, if I find it, then it's...

- Then it's fate, it's karma. - I know, I know, but...

I just thought, you know, it's our anniversary, and it's special...

But maybe... going once, going twice...

I'm sure that one day...

I will find one in my change. Until then...

- Yes, you enjoy the hunt. - Yes, I enjoy the hunt.

Okay. Alright.

- Great. They're home. - Oh, you're such a mom.

I know I am. I'm just powerless over my nature.

Does an accountant ever eat a good breakfast?

- Good shot Ma. - Don't say "Ma." It sounds so ignorant.

Ma!

Ma Ray, Ma Barker, Ma Jug, you went out last night Ma!

Always blame the woman!

Well, as James Jones says in "from here to eternity,

"God dealt women all the best the cards.

- Right between the legs." - Sexist crap!

- Daddy, I can't believe you said that! - Daddy, it sounds so ignorant!

- Bad dad. - Stop it, stop it.

- So when will you be back? - It depends on the traffic.

I have to drop in on the famous Mr. Gaines before I leave.

You're not crazy about my...

secondary career as a kingpin collector...

But I am the best accountant in the firm.

- Yeah, no conceit in our family. - No.

Don't forget to thank him for the tasteful toilet seat.

Will do. Right after I ask him for a corner office with an ocean view.

- Oh, you're bad. You're bad. Goodbye. - Bye.

- You take good care of my baby. - Oh, you bet I will, Ma.

- Love you. - I love you.

- Drive safe. - I will, I always do.

Don't miss your flight.

Bye!

- Call me! Bye, sweetie. - Bye.

...and although police refuse to comment,

sources close to the investigation confirm that elements of the crime suggest

that it was the work of the notorious serial killer who calls himself "Beadie."

Yes, that's right Dave. Marjorie Duvall moved here

to the picturesque town of South Gansett, New Hampshire

after her divorce five years ago.

Co-workers reported her missing last Wednesday after she failed to show up for work.

Ms. Duvall's body was discovered early this morning by a jogger

in this remote area of the abandoned South Gansett railway station.

If this was, in fact the work of the notorious serial killer,

police can soon expect to receive Ms. Duvall's identification cards,

along with a taunting note from Beadie in the mail.

About a dozen downtown businesses were boarded up Wednesday,

and glass littered sidewalks following two nights of protests

over the police shooting of an unarmed black man.

There were few people on the streets as the arch diocese

cancelled classes in two inner-city Roman catholic schools.

Police urged curiosity seekers to stay out of the...

And me and mine have cleared a straight path for you.

Aim here.

For the center.

Oh, no. No.

Oh, come on.

Poop!

Yes, he goes, but he never really leaves.

Let's see here...

These are mine! I was looking for these.

Male expiration.

Shit. Shit!

That makes an even dozen. She was tortured.

Oh, my God.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

- Hi, this is Darcy. - And this is Bob.

We're not able to come to the phone right now, but leave a message if you want to.

And if it's about collectible coins, make sure you leave a message.

Remember, change comes from within!

If that's you handsome...

get your tight little buns over here. My... my husband's out of town.

Very funny. I tried you before.

I was on the phone with Pets.

You know, she got home fine, and... and Donnie did too. It's just... and she's...

just going crazy over those, bridesmaid's dresses.

You okay?

Well, to quote the famous Robert Anderson I'm...

upright and sniffing the air. How did it go today?

Well, I picked up 17 lady liberties at a good...

no, at a great price.

As for that idiot's taxes, the less said the better.

Oh, dear.

Your voice sounds thick. You haven't been crying have you?

Well, I just, you know...

After I talked with Pets, I just... I started thinking about my... my sister.

You know, she was a year younger...

than Pets when she died.

Well, honey, if I jump in the car and turn around, I can be home in no time.

No, no, no, no. Don't do that. I...

after the day you've put in, it's just a...

I'd be worried you'd fall asleep behind the wheel.

Are you sure?