Camp

[ musical instruments being tuned ]

TO ALL THE CRITICS OUT THERE,

I KNOW THEY'RE GOING TO REVIEW THIS,

AND I KNOW THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO KNOCK ME--

IS IT OKAY IF I SAY THIS TO CAMERA, AMBER? OKAY.

I ONLY AM WHO I AM 'CAUSE I WAS BORN THAT WAY.

I HAVE A GIFT,

AND I'M TRYING NOT TO BE SELFISH ABOUT IT, BUT TO USE IT.

IF YOU'RE GONNA KNOCK ME FOR THAT, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

JEALOUSY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE.

AND I'M GONNA KEEP ROCKIN' ON.

ELLEN, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

DON'T TELL MOM I'M TAKING YOU TO YOUR STUPID JUNIOR PROM.

GET OUT OF HERE!

YOUR BROTHER! HOW GROSS IS THAT?

THEY DON'T KNOW YOU'RE MY BROTHER.

PLEASE, BEN. YOU HAVE TO. I'LL PAY YOU.

FIND SOMEONE WHO'S NOT RELATED TO YOU.

LOSER.

[ distant laughter and conversation ]

[ girls screaming excitedly ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? AREN'T YOU, LIKE, 30?

COME ON!

EXCUSE ME,

IS THERE SOMEPLACE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CHECK IN?

OVER THERE.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST SUMMER?I WAS HERE LAST YEAR.

REMEMBER? WE WERE IN 'NIGHT, MOTHERTOGETHER.

OH.

YOU'RE JILL SIMMONS. MY NAME'S FRITZI.

FRITZI. OF COURSE.

LET ME.

YOU HAVE THE NUMBER AT THE SHIP.

CALL ME WHENEVER YOU NEED ME.

THIS IS GLEN, THE CAMP DIRECTOR.

GO TO HIM IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

THAT'S ENOUGH, MOM. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

WE'LL TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF HIM.

GIVE ME A HUG.I CAN'T BREATHE!

JENNA!

MY ROLE MODEL IN EVERYTHING NUBIAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO GO TO WEIGHT WATCHERS CAMP THIS SUMMER.

WE WANTED HER TO,

BUT SHE INSISTED ON GOING BACK TO CAMP OVATION.

SO WE COMPROMISED AND HAD HER JAW WIRED SHUT.

OH.

YOU CAN HARDLY TELL.

BUDDY MILLER, SPORTS COUNSELOR.

WE HAVE A SPORTS COUNSELOR?

OF COURSE WE DO.

YOU GONNA PLAY SOME SOFTBALL THIS SUMMER?

NO.

AAH! MICHAEL!

HOW YOU DOIN', BABE?

WHY WEREN'T YOU ON THE BUS?

MY SISTER DROVE ME HERE. I'M STAYING WITH HER.

MY GOD, YOUR FACE.

HE TRIED TO GO TO HIS JUNIOR PROM IN FISHNETS AND HEELS.

MY JUNIOR PROM,

I STAYED HOME WITH A ROLL OF COOKIE DOUGH AND TV LAND.

I WATCHED MY JUNIOR PROM

FROM OUTSIDE IN THE BUSHES FOR THREE HOURS.

THAT'S SO STELLA DALLAS.

IS BERT HANLEY REALLY DIRECTING HERE THIS SUMMER?

BERT HANLEY? I THOUGHT HE RETIRED.

I THOUGHT HE DIED.HE MIGHT HAVE.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TWO DAYS AGO.

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? HE USED TO BE HUGE.

HE HASN'T HAD A HIT SINCE CHILDREN'S CRUSADE.

HE NEVER WROTE ANOTHER SHOW.

I HOPE HE DIRECTS THE BENEFIT THIS SUMMER.

WHAT ARE YOU SINGING FOR AUDITIONS FOR THE FIRST SHOW?

DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE.THAT'S ORIGINAL.

WITH THE TUGBOAT.

Michael: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?

HOW YOU DOING?

MY NAME'S VLAD.

HI.

OKAY IF I USE THOSE DRAWERS?

YOU CAN GO INTO ANYBODY'S DRAWERS YOU LIKE.

I DON'T THINK YOU'LL GET AN ARGUMENT.

MICHAEL!

JUST IGNORE HIM. THAT'S WHAT HE'S USED TO.

I'M ELLEN, THIS IS SHAUN

AND SPITZER AND MICHAEL.

BATHROOM?

THIRTY-FOOT RULE.

NO WAY!WHAT'S THAT?

MICHAEL HAS TO STAY 30 FEET AWAY

UNTIL WE KNOW IF HE'S STRAIGHT OR GAY.

IF HE'S GAY, I'M TYNE DALY.

Spitzer: HONEY, IT'S JUST--

[The Size of a Cow by The Wonder Stuff plays ]

Girl: COULD SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT HER UP?

NEXT.

A BOY.

AN HONEST-TO-GOD STRAIGHT BOY.

Boy: CAST LISTS ARE UP.

Girl: I WILL GO INSANE IF I DON'T GET INTO PROMISES, PROMISES.

I'M IN IT!

Ellen: MIDNIGHT SUN?

OLD.

OLD.

LOST.

LOST.

TWO THOUSAND SUNSETS, YET NOT ONE SUNRISE.

NO, NO, NO, NO! GOD DAMN YOU ALL!

YOU PISS ON THE MEMORY OF THE GREATEST PLAYWRIGHT

OF THE 20th CENTURY!

IN CUBA, WE TOOK OUR LIVES IN OUR HANDS PERFORMING HER WORK,

WAITING FOR CASTRO'S THUGS TO BURST IN AND ARREST US!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING.

OF COURSE YOU DON'T, YOU MIDDLE-CLASS PIECE OF SHIT!

I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.

THAT'S WHAT'S SO TRAGIC.

LEAVE HER ALONE.

HOW ABOUT YOU, THEN?

HAVE YOU HAD EVEN ONE PAINFUL MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE

SINCE THE DOCTOR SLAPPED YOU ON YOUR ASS WHEN YOU WERE BORN?

YEAH.TELL ME, THEN.

TELL ME YOUR MOST PAINFUL MOMENT,

THE ONE THAT MAKES YOU CONVULSE WITH SOBS WHEN YOU THINK OF IT.