South Park

sit back, justice believers, and listen to another edition

of america's favorite super hero...

mintberry crunch!

our story begins in a remote corner

of the gulf of mexico.

the bp oil company drills into the ocean floor!

but they drill too much,

and the bp oil company accidentally unleashes cthulhu,

an ancient evil god from another dimension!

halfway across the country,

a mild-mannered, attractive fourth grader, bradley biggle,

hears of the disaster on the news

while with his friends.

but bradley biggle is no ordinary fourth grader!

not long ago, he realized he had super powers

he could call upon by turning in place

and saying the magic word!

shablagoo!

and in a flash, bradley is transformed

into that thrilling superhero, mintberry crunch!

joined by the other coon friends,

mintberry crunch went to investigate

the gulf spill crisis!

the superheroes came across a cult,

in existence for years,

that had been waiting for cthulhu's arrival!

they are the key to stopping cthulhu

from taking over the world.

sometimes, when everything seems hopeless,

that's when you need to bring it all.

that's when you need to bring the crunch!

dude, i'm sorry,

but we still aren't getting it.

you're half-man and half-berry?

right!

but then what exactly is your super power?

the power of mint and berries

yet with a satisfying tasty crunch!

no, see, that's the problem, dude.

that's not really a super power.

like i have mental command over all power tools,

human kite can fly...

and shoot lasers out of my eyes.

and shoot lasers out of his eyes, and mysterion can...

wait. what's your super power, mysterion?

i can't die!

oh, yeah, good one. mysterion can't die.

and iron maiden is indestructible...

no, stan, i'm being serious.

i really, reallycan't die!

what?

like last night in the alley!

the cult leader stabbed me

and i bled all over the place.

and you screamed, "oh, my god!"

and you called him a bastard!

when was that?

all the time!

i die all the time!

and you assholes never remember!

i think we would remember you dying, dude.

well, you don't!

i die over and over.

only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened.

dude, you're freakin' out mintberry crunch.

- he's peed his pants. - no, no!

mintberry crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!

i knew there'd be no point in telling you guys.

all right, dude.

let's just say you're not crazy and it's true.

what's the big deal?

i mean, i think it'd be pretty cool not to be able to die.

pretty cool?

do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?

to be shot, decapitated, torn apart, burned, run over...

kenny, kenny calm down.

it's not pretty cool, kyle!

it fucking hurts!

and it won't go away and nobody will believe me!

remember this time!

try and fucking remember!

oh, my god! holy shit, dude!

- dude! - is he... oh, jesus!

kenny. no, no!

gather around, believers in good,

and listen to the newest installment ofthe coon!

it all began when the bp oil company

drilled into the ocean floor

and ripped open a hole to another dimension.

seeing the disaster on coonvision,

the coon immediately called together

his trusty coon friends.

as the coon explained how the disaster could be stopped,

something terrible happened.

without warning, the coon friends changed.

their superpowers morphed somehow,

turning them into... supervillains.

the coon tried to reason with them,

tried to bring them back to the side of good,

but it was too late.

their black hearts had been tainted by hate and rage.

the coon was alone.

torn by the ultimate dilemma,

he had to put a stop to the evil villains,

even though they had once been his friends.

sometimes, to fight the ultimate evil,

you must make friends with enemies.

the coon teamed up with cthulhu,

because even cthulhu knows what evil assholes

kyle and stan and those guys are.

and that they are manipulative, uncaring, vagina faces!

they are all planning to destroy the world.

only one thing can stop them... the coon.

with cthulhu's help, i can try to banish them

to a dark oblivion for all eternity.

i will not rest until that happens.

baby, i know you're askin' me to stay

say please, please, please, don't go away

you say i'm givin' you the blues

maybe you mean every word you say

can't help but think of...

- eric cartman! - hi, mom.

where have you been, young man?

just doing stuff, mom.

are my friends downstairs in the secret base?

yes, they are, but you were supposed to be

grounded in your room.

and now you're more grounded, young man!

the coon's mother appears to be extremely upset.

in order to get past her,

i must use the lebron james technique.

eric, are you listening to me?

mom... what should i do?

what?

what should i do?

should i admit i made mistakes?

should i say i've done this before?

should write a song

about how i should have stayed in my room?

what should i do?

what do you mean what should...

should i say i'm not a role model?

should i not listen to my conscience?

it's my conscience, mom! what should i do?

go back to my room and pretend nothing happened?

not jump out the window and fly to new orleans?

what should i do, mom? tell me!

i just... i...

i'm going to go make you kids some lemonade.

all right, coon friends!

what good deed should we do next?

perhaps we should bake more lemon bars

to raise money for people in need!

okay!

you guys have no memory

of me shooting myself in the head, do you?

what?

what we need to do is talk to people in that cult.

i want to know where my powers come from.

yeah, cool, let's talk about where our powers come from!

i was bitten by a radioactive mosquito!

zzzt!

i was in a car accident

then put back together with tupperware parts!

ti-timmy!

will you guys listen to me?

i actually have a power

that i actually want to know about!

hey, guys.

so what's goin' on?

go away, cartman.

we kicked you out of coon and friends, remember?

no, i know.

that's cool. i understand.

even though i started it and the secret base is in my house.

yeah, that's totally understandable.

you just wanted to frame and blackmail people.

then you beat up clyde and bradley for no reason!

no, you're right. for no reason.

clearly something is wrong with me.

but, you guys... what should i do?

you should fuck off. that's what you should do.

hmm. all right.

look, you guys were totally right, okay?

that's all i wanted to say.

that and... there's a double rainbow outside.

- a what? - double rainbow, you guys.

you don't see 'em often, but there's one outside right now.

you gotta come see!

a double rainbow?

shablagoo!

wait, mintberry crunch. you might not wanna go...

hey, can i see the double rainbow, fellas?

fellas?

isn't it beautiful, you guys?

there's no double rainbow, fat ass.

you are correct, human kike.

not that supervillains like you guys

could ever see a double rainbow.

what are you talking about?