Melissa & Joey

"melissa and joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Joe!

- You're a guy. - Yes.

And I never get tired of hearing that.

What would be your idea

Of the most awesome birthday present ever?

Um, a subscription to the "single malt scotch of the month club"

Hand delivered by kate upton on a 60-foot yacht.

Someone has given this way too much thought.

Okay, no no no no no. This gift is for zander.

See, he's turning 18 next week,

And I wanna get him the most personal,

Ooh! You can get him a custom-made waffle iron

That makes waffles with your name on them

Or your family crest.

The burke family has a rabbit wearing a helmet.

And I've given it too much thought?

I'm gonna stick with my original idea.

I'm giving him something really special and personal

He'll remember forever.

What the hell was that about?

That was inception, baby.

Yeah, that waffle iron is as good as mine.

No no no no no no no!

Special, something he'll remember for the rest of his life.

Was that-- what that code for,

You know, her, um...

Precious flower?

Would you calm down?

Hey, I am calm, all right?

I am totally under control.

Yeah, you're drinking hot sauce.

I meant to.

and you know what?

Actually, that searing in my mouth has just given me an idea.

Zander's about to turn 18, right?

- If you let him. - Okay. Okay.

So as soon as zander hits that magic number,

Anything he's planning on doing with lennox,

Who's a minor, goes from fun to felony.

So all I have to do is keep him exhausted and occupied

For the next five days, which means... ( chuckles )

I am gonna be on him like your mouth on a wine glass.

Okay, relax, joe.

Lennox and I share a special womanly bond.

If anything were on the verge of happening I would know about it,

Because lennox would have told me.

Yeah, 'cause that's every teenage girl's favorite part

About losing her virginity, is giving her aunt the heads-up.

"yo, aunt. Check it. I'm about to wreck it."

Of the stieglitz retrospective at the museum.

Dude, do I look like I wanna see your stieglitz?

Get in here.

Early birthday present, you almost-legal adult, you.

surprise.

You're locking me in a cage.

Oh, if only it was that easy.

No. Zander...

You know, I've just been thinking, man.

You and lennox have been, uh, dating for a while now, right?

And you two guys have become quite close.

I want you and me to be that close.

You know, I wanna get to know everything about you.

You know, like, uh...

What terrifies you.

What your threshold for pain is.

All right. You're up, stieglitz.

- Uh, stieglitz was a photographer-- - I don't care.

- Isn't this fun? - No.

Great. Great.

All right. Hey, you know what?

Tomorrow night-- you and me--

We're gonna be playing a little basketball.

Oh! And the night after that--

Got us hockey tickets, buddy.

Um-- uh--

- Don't say no. - Okay.

That doesn't really leave me a whole lot of time

To spend with lennox.

Huh.

How about that.

Ow! Ohh!

Okay, I think we're warmed up.

Now let's try some fast ones, huh?

- ( dial clicks ) - actually, I could use some ice, you know...

Oh, no.

There we go. No no no no no no.

Stay in there, okay?

'cause the machine can sense fear. Go.

So keira, for the last one I got two-x equals "x."

That can't be right.

ryder, really?

Who can think about math when I just learned the truth?

I found out why you were suspended from school.

- Uh-- - for criminal activity?

um, that's not something I really wanna talk about.

I wish you would.

Okay. I could talk about it a little bit.

I've been homeschooled my whole life, and...

I've never met anybody who had detention,

Much less suspended for marijuana.

You're so dangerous.

Even your mouth looks dangerous.

It's-- it's not. I just brushed.

Oh, fiddlesticks!

- That's my alarm. - Where are you going?

My moms are super-strict about starting family meals on time,

And I'm not willing to break the rules.

Don't forget where we left off.

I'll be remembering it all night.

- Hey, bro. - ( door closes )

You're looking more confused than usual.

Keira just said that she loved that I'm a bad boy.

Maybe she meant you're bad at being a boy.

she found out why I got suspended from school

And now she thinks I'm some kind of dangerous criminal or something.

You, dangerous?

The one time you played "grand theft auto"

You unionized the prostitutes.

What do I do?

She's the only girl in my shrunken...

Social universe. I can't blow this.

Well, if keira thinks you're a bad boy,

My guess is you better be a bad boy.

So let's see what we can do here.

What up, dawg?

Hey, so I just dropped zander off at home.

After three hours of pitches, the kid practically needed

A full-body ice pack.

I think he was crying.

Uh, joe, take a look.

Lennox posted this on her blog a couple days ago.

I just saw it now. Read the title.

"why urinals are inherently sexist."

Not that one, the next one.

"I lost it. So what?"

No. No.

No no no no no no no!

"when I lost my virginity, all I lost was my misconception

That having sex is a big life-changing experience.

It's not. Don't believe the hype.

Just because the two of you got naked--"

Will you stop reading?! Will you just stop it?!

Damn, man! I put all this time and energy into preventing the crime,

I just feel awful that lennox's sex life is off to a lousy start.

Sex should be fun and enjoyable.

Are you kidding me?!

Sex is bad.

Sex should be sad and horrible and...

Well, I'm sure it is for the women you're with.

But lennox deserves better.

You know what? I'm gonna help my niece

Have a more rewarding sex life.

Rewarding sex! What is this, France?!

Ooh! I've got just the perfect thing.

Hey, does forever 21 make a chastity belt?

"a guide to intimacy:

The sabre and the lotus."

A sex manual?! Why the hell would you give lennox that?

Joe, she's already doing it. That ship has sailed.

Yeah, but you know what? There's still a chance

That it can hit an iceberg and everybody will drown.

We can't give up hope.

What's done is done. So now the question is:

How are you gonna handle lennox being sexually active?

Good old-fashioned denial.

You know?

'cause, uh, in here, lennox is gonna be that...

That innocent girl I've always known.

What, you've only known her since she was 14.

Yeah, a very innocent 14, okay?

Not-- not you 14.

Whoa, hey!

I thought I invented that.

Hey, len. What's up?

- Nothin'. - Sounds fun.

Um...

You know, speaking of fun,

I read your blog.

You know, the one about, um...

About the thing.

The, uh... ( exhales )

First time.

oh, god.

Yeah, I'm just kinda curious

Why you had to blog about that to the whole world

Instead of, you know,

Coming and talking to your good ol' understanding

Aunt mel.

My blog is for my peers--

Other girls who might be having sex for their first time.

And, no offense, but

I have a pretty strong feeling that's not you.

Hey, I'm not blue, but I still enjoyed "avatar."

Look, if you're gonna be sexually active,

I thought you oughta have this.

Geez, what is this?

No, you don't need condoms; you need information.

Well, of course you need condoms. You need condoms.

But your whole post was about how nothing the whole experience was.