Bill Burr: Walk Your Way Out

All right, thank you.

Thank you very much. How are you?

How's it going?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Nice to be here.

Nice to be here. Thank you.

I appreciate it. Let's see if I'm funny first.

Let's see if I'm funny.

Nice to be here in Nashville.

Look at me. I went out and got myself a cowboy shirt.

Right?

To fit in with all you guys

coming in from your ranches.

Huh?

Living out there in the barns.

Is this what you're doing?

You're like, "I'm working on an app, okay?"

"To launch this website."

Um...

Oh, shit. What a fucked-up time this is, huh?

It's so weird to tape a special right before a presidential election,

especially one like this.

Like, this is literally, like, "What is going to happen?"

You know? How the fuck did we end up with these two? Jesus Christ.

This is like the first week of American Idol .

You know? It's like, "Really? This is what I got?"

"Take his coat! Take his coat!"

Whatever the hell she's doing. You know?

It's unbelievable. You've either got a racist dope or, like, the devil.

Like, that's the choices.

"I just walk up and grab it! I just grab it!"

All right.

Is that what you do?

Fucking lunatic. "I'm gonna build a wall.

I'm gonna build a wall."

I love people thinking he's actually gonna do that. Really? Are you gonna do that?

You're gonna build a wall from fucking California to Texas?

You're gonna do this?

Have you ever done that drive?

Because I've done that drive.

Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles.

That is a two-day drive, 80 miles an hour.

Just wall, wall, wall.

You're in there like John Goodman

in Raising Arizona ...

just driving.

Like, how many times

are you gonna go to Home Depot

to build this thing?

You actually think you're gonna get this done?

Look at the Freedom Tower.

We actually wanted that shit

and it took almost 15 years to get it done.

Half the people don't even want this fucking thing.

I'm telling you, by the time they've finished it,

this country will be so fucked up, we're gonna be the ones going over it.

"Dude, they got... they got real sugar!"

"They got real sugar in their Coke!"

"I heard, on the other side,

the Orange Crush tastes like it did in 1978."

Remember that two-year period when it was actually delicious?

Yeah. So you've got him and then you've got Hillary.

Hillary's just like a made guy.

Just a made-fucking-guy.

Everybody thinks, like, you know, she dresses like a real-estate agent.

You know? Nothing to worry about.

She's a fucking made guy.

She's gonna give 'em the wars,

she's gonna microchip the babies,

phase out the cash.

She's not gonna do it, but she's gonna keep steering it in that direction.

Privatizing water. Water's not a basic human right.

She's gonna...

go through the whole fucking thing,

that psycho fucking thing that you do

when you go after that kind of power.

You've got to put it all over here in a little box, all your evil,

as you're just sitting there, fucking smiling,

knowing what's really going on.

As you're talking to Joe Sixpack.

He puts his pants on one leg at a time.

No, it's so fucking, you know...

It's unreal. Like, I don't know...

These are the two worst choices ever.

Trump, if he wasn't... if he wasn't so fucking racist...

If he wasn't so racist... I can deal with the pussy-grabbing.

That's not in my world.

I'm selfish, like every other voter, all right?

If he wasn't so fucking racist...

he would actually scare me a little less,

because he's so obviously a dope.

He's so dumb, I don't think he could get away with anything.

You know what he reminds me of?

Have you ever watched Law & Order

and they make an arrest, like, within the first 15 minutes, you know,

and they're trying to get you to think, "We got him!"

You're just looking at your watch. "There's no way this guy did this shit."

"There's, like, another 45 minutes left."

"This can't be the guy.

Who's the real guy?"

And that's when fucking Hillary, she fucking comes walking in.

Yeah, she goes to those Bilderberg meetings, you know,

where they dress up like pheasants and they fuck each other.

Right?

Sacrifice some employee from a Best Buy.

Fight over his name tag for a trophy.

Right?

Who do you pick? I've got no idea.

So I've just been, like, regressing. I can't deal with this shit.

I just want to hit pause.

I don't want this election to fucking happen, so I've just been regressing,

and I'm just watching the dumbest shit I possibly can.

You know, morning time,

those stupid talk shows to get soccer moms' day started.

You know, they have all those non-thinking stories.

"You love him. He's your best friend.

But did you ever wonder,

what does your dog do when you're not home?"

"The next video may surprise you."

And I just... "Fill it up! Fill up my brain with this dumb shit!

I don't want to deal with what's really going on."

"Nationwide heroin epidemic? Fuck that!"

"It's National Taco Day.

We've got Tony from Tony's Taco.

Tony, what is it that makes a great taco?"

"Well, it's all about starting out with the tortilla."

Like, watching them making pancakes and all that shit.

Talking to the ladies, talking about body issues.

They always talk about body issues.

That's the dumbest one ever, when they talk about Hollywood.

"Hollywood, they create these impossible body images. Blah-blah-blah."

You know, that whole thing. The plus-size actress.

Right?

The fatties.

You know? That's like a big thing.

They're sick of being treated like fat people.

I don't know what it is.

They're going on the cover of magazines now, just showing how fat they are,

wearing a little amount of clothes, and everybody's, like, hyping 'em up.

Like, "Oh, my God. That's so brave!

That's so courageous!"

I'm not saying it doesn't take balls,

but that's a bit of an overreach

with the word "brave," right?

Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a building

carrying a baby and an old lady?

Am I gonna sit there like, "Oh, my God!

You're like a fat actress

that takes her shirt off

to do a magazine shoot

to promote the movie she's in"?

Now, look, I know you're not supposed to make fun of fat people.

I understand, all right?

I don't know why, though.

Why? They're not a race, they're not a religion.

It's totally curable.

Eat an apple and go for a walk, you know?

Why are you yelling at everybody else?

What the fuck are you giving me shit for?

All right? You put the cookies in there!

I didn't!

How is this my problem?

Jesus Christ! You ate your way in, you can walk your way out.

All right? And just slowly start shedding the pounds.

Shove some fucking lettuce in there

instead of a bunch of Ho Hos

and it's gonna come down,

and then you're on my side of the fence, right?

Join me. Come on, say it with me.

Shame! Shame!

Right?

I know you're not supposed to shame.

You're not supposed to fat-shame,

you're not supposed to slut-shame.

They're, like, shaming shaming.

People aren't supposed to walk around with any shame.

It's a legitimate human emotion, but you're not supposed to feel it at all.

You're supposed to just walk around like a dictator.

You're not gonna feel any shame? You've never felt shame?

You never had such a bad fucking night, the next morning, you woke up,

you couldn't even look in the mirror?

When you brush your teeth, you looked up.

You're like, "Oh, you fucking piece of shit.

Wow! Wow!

Even for you, that was bad.

Lights out, curtains drawn,

until at least two in the afternoon,

before I can even look at you,

you fucking piece of shit!"

Yeah, you're supposed to have no shame?

That's the new world?

You're just gonna walk around, sucking dick,

you know, eating cookies,

and just show up, and nobody's supposed to say anything?

No one's supposed to have an opinion?

"Well, that's gonna go off the rails pretty soon."

I know, it's probably mean to do this stuff,

but, like, you can only have so much sympathy.

There's so much stuff you can care about.

You know what happened to me that changed my life? I did a gig in India. Right?