American Gods

They were hungry, of course,

having made their way through their stores of dried meat

and salt fish days ago,

even though carefully, professionally rationed.

To a man they were expert seamen,

yet no expertise can surmount a sea

that does not wish you to reach shore.

Come on!

Until finally...

Celebration was cut short.

The land reached was barren, rocky.

No food, no shelter.

Only biting insects and snakes.

When they set off, they dreamt

of the riches they would accumulate,

the fat-breasted women they would send for.

Their dreams changed to bread,

roasted meats.

Even a salad would do.

Haah!

Aah!

Regin!

Gods.

They did not yet have a word in their language

for "miserable."

They would have to invent one.

It was time to leave this accursed land,

but their sails hung flabby as Grandmother's teat.

The wind did not wish them to leave.

They were becalmed astride hell.

Lucky they knew wind can be reasoned with.

The All-Father could intercede

with the wind on their behalf,

but they feared he would not know

to look this far from home.

They would have to make him look.

Aah!

Yaah!

Yes.

Aah!

Aah!

But still... no wind.

It was obvious now what was required.

After all, their god was a war god.

Haah!

They left in a hurry,

not bothering to sew their wounds

or burn the dead.

And when they reached their home shores,

not one of them ever set foot in a boat

or spoke of that new world ever again.

Over 100 years later,

when Leif the Fortunate, son of Erik the Red,

would rediscover that land,

he found his god waiting...

along with his war.

Best thing,

only good thing about being in prison,

is the relief.

You don't worry if they're going to get you

when they already got you.

Tomorrow can't do anything

today hasn't already managed.

Even better with a death sentence.

Bang. Worst has already happened.

You get a few days to let it sink in,

and then you're riding the cart

on the way to do your dance on nothing.

This country went to hell

when they stopped hanging folks.

No gallows dirt, no gallows deals.

No gallows humor.

Yeah.

Funniest fucking shit in the world. Ha ha!

You know, I'm not superstitious.

I believe in plenty

when there's reason and evidence to believe.

I don't believe in anything I can't see.

I feel like there's a fucking axe hanging over my head.

You know, I can't see it, but I believe it.

I can see it fine.

Prison has a way of trying to keep you in prison.

They'll do anything they can

to keep you inside with them.

I smell snow.

Hello?

I love you.

Something feels weird.

I love you, too. What feels weird?

I don't know. Um...

the weather.

The air feels constipated,

like if it'd just push out a storm,

it'd be okay.

It's nice here.

The trees are budding.

There'll be leaves on them when you get back.

Five days.

120 hours till you're home.

Everything's okay there, right?

Waiting for the sky to fall is going to cause more bother

than the sky actually falling, which it isn't.

Yeah. So nothing's wrong.

Everything's fine.

Robbie's coming by.

We're planning your surprise party welcome home.

A surprise party?

Which you know nothing about.

Not a thing.

I love you, puppy.

I love you, too.

I love you, puppy.

I love you, too, baby.

Shadow Moon. This way.

Oh.

Thank you for coming.

Sit down.

Please.

Says here you were sentenced to six years

for aggravated assault and battery.

- Yes, sir. - Served three

and were due to be released on Friday.

Shadow, we're going to be releasing you

later this afternoon.

You'll be getting out a couple of days early.

There's no good way to say this,

so I'll put it plain.

This came in from Johnson City Hospital in Eagle Point.

Your wife...

she died in the early hours of this morning.

Was a... an automobile accident.

It's like one of them good-news, bad-news jokes, isn't it?

Good news, we're letting you out early.

Bad news, your wife's dead.

I'm sorry. It's our policy.

I can't change your ticket

from two days from now till today.

If you have to change your departure date

from Friday to today,

it's a $200 change fee

plus the difference in fare.

- $200. - Plus the difference in fare.

Do you have to travel today?

I have to get to Eagle Point, yeah. It's for a funeral.

Not without an original death certificate,

and there's no emails, and there's no copies.

Do not piss off those bitches in airports.

Take a lesson from Johnnie Larch.

I don't know Johnnie Larch.

Johnnie Larch got out after five years.

He gets to the airport,

hands his ticket to the woman at the counter,

who asks for his driver's license.

He gives it to her. She says, "It's expired."

He says, "It might not be a valid drivers license,

"but it is a damn fine identification.

"There's my picture, my weight, and my height.

Who the fuck do you think it is?"

She says, "I'll thank you for not using

that sort of language with me, sir."

He says, "Give me my fucking boarding pass right fucking now."

Now, he has the right to take that tone.

She was disrespecting him.

You don't let people disrespect you in prison.

Why the fuck would he let her

disrespect him as a free man? Mm-mm.

She hit a button.

Security shows up.