Younger

Looks like my secret breakfast spot

isn't so secret anymore.

- Oh, my God. Hi. - Hi.

Yeah, I would've never even known about this place,

except I got off at the wrong stop

one day on my way to work and...

Tolstoy before 9:00 a.m.

Hasn't anyone told you about the New York Post?

Yeah, uh... (scoffs)

Nah, I skip all the boring parts

about collective farming

and go straight to the soap opera

of Anna having the affair.

It's like Real Housewives of St. Petersburg...

with dense Russian prose.

You know, you should take a crack

at the slush pile sometime.

The slush pile?

Not Tolstoy, but you never know.

And if you tell anyone about the French toast here,

I'm gonna have to kill you.

Don't worry. I'm...

I'm really good at keeping a secret.

Hey.

Morning.

Where's the slush pile?

Uh, it's that sad, little stack of books behind me.

That's the slush pile.

Cash Money Bitch: Finances Be Trippin'.

Wow, this is all in caps.

"Girl, do you want to get paid

like a basic bitch or a billionaire bitch?"

Oh, my God. This is awful.

They all are.

Every one is worse than the last.

All you have to do is read the first line.

"It turned out Larry's spirit animal was...

the hedgehog."

"As time went by, I came to realize

Trevor was definitely incontinent."

Oh.

Ew.

Okay, and for the win,

by Meredith Montgomery,

The Scarf.

"The severity often differs,

"even the location of the wound.

"But what's never changed is the fact

"that he was a Confederate soldier

"and my grandfather.

The boy who saved his life was a Union bugler."

Bugler.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This one isn't that bad.

"He was 12, and he made a tourniquet

"out of his scarf.

"The Confederate soldier survived,

"and then five years later,

"he tracked down the little bugler

and gave it back."

Aw, that's sweet.

Liza, it's not gonna hold up.

You have a better chance

at matching with Ryan Gosling on Tinder

than finding a good book in the slush pile.

The Scarf?

Yeah, okay, I know the title is lame,

but it's really good.

It's about how this 12-year-old Union soldier

uses his scarf to save a Confederate soldier's life

and how that act of humanity

shapes the identity of the Union soldier's family

for generations.

Wow.

It's good. You should read it.

Oh, no, I'm not really that big of a reader.

I mean, I read Japanese Manga every once in a while,

but mainly for the art, you know?

Oh, I didn't know that.

I mean, maybe you can read it to me in bed

after we play dodgeball.

Bam!

The Billburg Ball Slingers?

Yeah, and I designed the logo myself.

- It's dope, right? - Totally.

Hey, what up, Donny? D-cup!

Legend, that one.

Oh, he's on the team? Okay. Okay.

Then I have nothing to worry about.

Just watch out for her,

her, and those two right there.

Yeah, it got super crazy one night after finals.

You ready?

No, I don't even know the rules.

Shh. Just don't get hit.

Man down.

Over there.

You're out!

Head down.

You're out!

I hit you.

You're out!

You know what, the problem is,

is you never found your rhythm.

I don't think there was just one problem, Josh,

unless it was me agreeing to play.

I totally thought you'd love it.

I'm sorry.

Also, you look like you'd be

a lot faster than you were.

There was nowhere to run!

It was like being trapped in a cage

with rabid hipsters.

If there's such thing as artisanal steroids,

I'm pretty sure they were on them.

Whoa, where was this fire out on the court?

Huh? I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm gonna go get something else for your eye, all right?

- Or we could just go home. -

Hey, Josh's new friend.

I'm Jen.

Liza.

Ooh, I think that's my bad. Sorry.

You're like my old Camry. You tap it, and, bam,

the air bags deploy.

Tap? Yeah, I actually think you hit me pretty hard.

Eh, maybe.

When I first joined the league, it almost wrecked me...

busted finger, chipped tooth,

and what turned out to be gonorrhea.

Okay, well, it was really nice talking to you.

Yeah, I'd just gotten out of a seven-year relationship.

When you're with a guy for that long

and you finally have your freedom,

you make some bad calls.

So anyway, Josh and I know each other well.

Gonorrhea well?

Nah.

He's clean.

Have fun with him. He's gorgeous...

but dumb as a box of hair.

Hey, I got you some ice.

Whoa, or is it ices?

What's the plural of ice, bro?

It's a collective noun.

Hey, I brought you some ice.

You okay?

Oh... uh, no. It still smarts...

I mean, hurts.

- Hey. Good morning. - Morning.

Looks like someone had a little too much fun last night.

- Not exactly. -

Oh, my God. What happened to you?

Dodgeball, that's what happened.

Why are we still playing kids' sports?

You shouldn't be allowed to throw a ball

at someone's face with adult strength.

Come up to my office.

I've got some pretty heavy-duty stuff

for period acne and covering tattoos.

It should do the trick.

I also got nailed in the vagina.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Do you think Josh is dumb?

I'm sure he's dumb. He's a guy.

Josh dropped out of college.

So did Mark Zuckerberg.

Kelsey, he doesn't read.

Well, if that's important to you,

then that's important.

I mean, we all have our deal breakers.

I finished that book.

It totally held up.

No way.

What happened with the little bugler's scarf?

Well, it... it becomes this family legend.

The story of the little bugler

gets passed down through this family,

like long after the scarf goes missing.

By the end, you start to think,

"Maybe there never was a scarf.

"It was just a way for this family

to form an identity."

Sounds like a total mom book.

50 Shades of Grey was a mom book.

Uh, don't remind me.