High Maintenance

Let's, uh, jump on in now, folks.

I love starting the walking tour standing still,

because this way we're our own natural, organic Greek chorus,

walking around our own unfolding Greek drama.

And just like any Greek chorus

in relationship to its unfolding plot,

we'll be participating, observing, commenting,

but never really committing, if you know what I mean.

As, most importantly, the walking tour is designed

to be an intimate soirée

that waltzes across this vast alienation...

Hey, people are trying to get to work, you dumb motherfuckers!

Welcome!

Let's charge off now into the great random choreography

that appears five times a week:

Rush Hour,

starring neurosis, the mediocre psychedelic trip

guiding all of this.

Off to your right, Central Park.

Don't you say that to me!

Don't you ever say that to me!

You know, you may be able to get

away with that with the old man,

get him tanked up for a week,

buy him off with your Hollywood blood money,

- but not me. - It was just an offer.

Yeah, well, keep it to yourself.

- Fuck the committee! - Dad worked his whole life

building a life here for you. You're just gonna throw it away?

I'm not getting stuck, too.

Come, the third, Laertes. You do but dally.

Thank you all so much for coming.

As you know, this is our first-ever New York agent showcase,

and the kids are so darned excited to meet you.

Thank you so much for coming

and making their dreams come true.

Uh, and now the great work begins.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Uh, okay, I'm...

I... I'll just collect your... your forms,

uh, that you filled out, and if you didn't, please do, uh...

Thank you so much. I'm Leonard Tully, as I said,

and my picture and resume's not in your packet,

but I've got a stack of them backstage if anybody wants one.

- Thanks. - I'm kidding.

Oh. hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Don't go, I wanna sit and talk to you.

Okay, I'll see you back there.

I'm gonna hang on to mine, thanks.

Okay. Thanks for coming.

- So good, so good. - Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thanks, thanks. They... Listen, you gotta go out and mingle

- 'cause they're dying to meet a real live actor. - Okay, okay.

Told 'em all about you.

I'm telling you, all you need

is a couple of good knives and a big pot

so you can make soup for the whole week.

- What about getting an agent? - Oh, that'll happen when it happens.

But in the meantime, you better get yourself

a roommate and get into soup!

Of course, there's lots of wine, yeah.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Janelle, Janelle, Janelle!

Oh, thank you so much for coming!

Yeah, it's so... it's so great to see you!

- Yeah, it's great to see you, too! - Thank you.

- Thank you so much for inviting me. - Of course, of course!

Listen, do you have any tips

or thoughts I should pass along to them?

Uh, um... Oh, I loved that song from Dear Evan Hansen.

Oh, my God, it's so good.

Actually, I've got to get back to the office.

- Oh. - It really was so great to see you, Leonard!

- Thank you. - I'll let you know if there's interest,

but, you know, we're boutique, so we can only take on so many.

Of course, of course.

Look, I know how show business works.

- Oh, whoa, whoa... Yeah. - All right, take your call.

- Thanks for coming. It's great. So much love. Bye. - Yeah. Yeah. Bye.

What did she say?

Does she want to meet any of us or...?

Well, here's the thing... here's the thing about agents

is that they work in a clump,

- and so... - Leonard, do we get to see our sheets?

Well, you know, guys, I want you to meet my friend Curtis.

We did Angels together at the Old Globe.

He has amazing stories, and he'll be able to really tell you

some things that I can't. Just listen and learn.

And if they want you in a cock sock, you wear a cock sock.

And there ain't nothing you can do about it.

Hopefully, it's the right size.

I didn't even see you here, girl.

Now, let me tell you right now, look at these freckles.

You let people see them freckles, because it's

what makes you different, it's what makes you good.

What the hell is this?

- Do you know what NVS means? - What's the context?

It's what some of the agents wrote on the kids' forms.

NVS or NVG next to everybody's name except Sunny's.

Well, I don't know. It's "New Verging Singer," "Now Very Strong,"

"Nubile Versatile Songstress."

- Or, uh, "Nice Vertical Stance." Yeah. - Yeah, something like that.

- Heads up! - Really? Dumb motherfucker!

Wow! Oh, it is so great to be back in New York!

God, I haven't been here since the Pleistocene Age.

Every goddamn break I had, I had to go to Alex's family.

- Oh, how is Alex? - Curtis!

We broke up! I told you all about it on Facebook.

No, no, no. You know I don't go on that shit.

Well, it's been about eight months. It's been really rough.

- I'm so sorry. - Yeah.

But, you know, everything's for a reason and the timing

couldn't be better because

my sabbatical's coming up

and, you know, New York's always been my white whale.

And so I'm thinking maybe now's the time to dust off my Capezios

and the 16 bars and press some flesh in the Equity Lounge

and see if there are any parts for 200-year-old men.

This boy comes wobblin'

down the street, and I say to him,

"Hey now, what's all the fuss?"

And now he says to me,

he's looking for a hospital, can I help him?

And so I say, there hasn't been a

hospital around here in 20 years.

- Yeah. - But then, of course, that Urgent Care

is like a hospital,

and that's just two blocks away, you know.

I told him so.

Always wondered what happened to that boy.

- Yeah, I do too. - Mm.

Uh, I don't wanna change the subject or anything,

but do you think this is gonna be an expensive fix?

And if it is, do you think you'll be able

to take it off my hands if it's fucked?

Oh. Uh...

- We'll see about the engine. - Okay.

The rest seems to be in good shape.

You should keep it.

I don't know, man. It's pretty high-maintenance.

Uh, okay, I'll look at it.

Okay.

Yeah.

You wouldn't want a bag of sand, would you?

No.

Not very special.

I think so, too, but people really love this place.

No, that's what NVS stands for.

You still thinking about that? Let it go.

Curtis, you once told me you

didn't need talent to make it,

that if you were persistent

and everybody would leave

and then you'd get all the parts

'cause there'd be nobody left.

- I said that? - Yeah, and it worked out for you.

If you're gonna talk, go to the bar.

Plenty of people want to sing at the piano.

I'm not gonna leave till you play my song.

Okay, take it easy, Blanche.

God, I hate this fucking place.

Come on, I can sing as well as these guys can.

- Of course you can. - Why am I not here?

Because you're shaping young minds.

- It's like deaf people singing. - Oh, come on.

- Shh! - Shh!

- Shh! - So if you see my mommy, mum's the word.

I'm taking my cigarette break. Pass the jar, please.

- Bye. - Well, I think that's my cue.

- What? - You know, I've got a 4 a.m. call

to be a forensic scientist at Silvercup.

Oh, you need somebody to run lines?

No. Blah-blah-blah. Contusion. Looks like they were murdered.

- It doesn't matter. - Oh, hey, I love you so much!

- I love you, too. - Thank you so much for coming.

I'm so glad we're still friends!

- I'm gonna move to New York. - Okay.

- Okay? Okay. - Yeah, I'd love that. All right.

- Come on. Sit on down. Yeah, you good here? - Bye.

Yeah, I'm good. I'm G. I'm VG.

You are VG. All right, bye, baby.

- Bye. Thanks for coming. - Okay.

Hey, everybody, John is going to do a solo.

- John, you ready? Okay. - Yeah.

Huh?

Oh my God, that's my song.

This is my song, motherfucker.

That's my song!

That's my song.

Come on, respond, motherfucker.

Hi.

Hi.

That smells good.

- You want? - Yes, please.

Danke schoen.

Bitte schoen. Sie sprechen?

Sie sprechen Deutsch?

No, but they were singing a lot of Cabaret across the street.

- Oh, I love Cabaret. - Yeah.

"You wouldn't know that she was Jewish at all."

- That place seems fun. I've never been there. - Yeah.

What are you doing tonight?